03 October, 2015

Here's an awful thought: Can one go without the elixir of the gods for even a day?

03 October 2015

R. Linda:

I often ponder what the world be coming to, but more importantly me ego is wondering what in the world me own world be coming to, especially if the world was to run out of coffee. I tell ya right up front, I'd be totally useless. Coffee be me life blood, me fix. Without it I become someone I don't recognise. Take the other morning, I got up because the dogs were making a ruckus they wanted out, they wanted to be fed, and they simply did not care it was the crack of dawn they were getting me up to satisfy their wants over me want of sleep!

I blindly went about the process of watering and feeding, and letting out. I was then waylaid by the cats, who wanted equal treatment, and so the same thing and THIS did not put me in a good mood. I knew I wouldn't make it back to bed, I was up even if I was in a sleep induced fog.

Enter the old one, shuffling in and muttering did I make the coffee? Well, duh no, no I didn't. I had been quite a bit busy!

She pulled up a stool and planted her elbows on the counter top, head in hands as if she had a headache and does nothing! I be starting to feel the insult of me doing everything for everyone. I grabbed the coffee pot, filled it with water, then fumbled for the coffee filters, slapped one in the coffee thingee and then grabbed the canister of coffee and what ho! NO FREAKING COFFEE. I was near beside meself I tell ya. How could this happen? We had coffee yesterday, then it dawned on me. The old woman (since arriving upon these shores) has developed the penchant for many cups of the black gold every hour on the hour and makes at least five pots a day, which she has the luxury of sipping at her leisure.

EMPTY!!! Oh the horror.
I turned to her speaking of the unfairness of not replacing the coffee, as she was still sitting slumped over the counter, eyes closed when I realised the sound I was hearing was her snoring! Yes, R. Linda she didn't have the decency to seem me reaction to the empty and horrifying thought that there would be no coffee that morning. Nor, did she hear that I was blaming her! No one was there to see the angst as I clutched the coffee measurer to me chest as if in heart attack mode, me breathing was hyperventilation at it's best, with no appreciative audience. The dogs and cats were out and SHE was out all asleep and SNORING like this situation was of no dire consequence. I tell ya!

I threw the measurer in the sink with a bang and that woke her with a start.

"Oh coffee be ready?" She asked blinking.

"No, coffee be not ready, there be no coffee because someone, I won't mention who, has drunk it all and did not replace it."

Nothing, not a stir, just sat there blinking at me like she had never seen me before in her entire life.

I sat across the counter staring at her as she blinked her way to sinking her head on her arms, on the counter and either she was feigning sleep or really back at it. I was about to shake her awake when the cheery wife enters with good mornings all around and if not for that I wouldn't have known the status of me mam, but that she gave herself away with a muffled "good morning'."

I explained the coffee situation in halting sentences trying to keep the tears from spilling over me face, as the pain of knowing I had to start me day coffee-less was more than staring me right in the face or in this case, empty cup. This explanation of a coffee hound's flagrant misuse of coffee, who was sitting across from me, brought that particular person to semi-conscientiousness as she mumbled her protests and said how I got her started on loving that beverage so therefore, it was all me fault!

The wife pulled a fast one and took herself off by covertly opening the side door where we could not see or hear her existing the bickering abode as she did not like mother/son confrontations and there have been some doozies! It took us two hours to discover the wife had left us on our own.

"Maybe she went for coffee," Mam suggested all hopeful.

"No, she went shopping, she does that when we bicker if you haven't noticed." I said pointing out the set of copper jello molds she decorated the kitchen with, the set of new cutlery we did not need, the new door mats, the set of wooden spoons, and the new curtains (we also did not need). That tell ya how many argys me and Mam have had?

Well, to make a very long coffee-less day short, Tonya did not appear until 5 p.m. Meanwhile, mam and I sat at the counter in our pyjamas, bickering. When Tonya appeared, she greeted us with, "Look what I bought Bickersons!"

She bought a Kurig coffee maker which lit the two of us still sleepy people up, only to find she forgot the K cups. How does that happen? She had picked up tea and hot chocolate K cups no coffee! I was near beside meself as she went back to the car to check for coffee K cups. She thought she bought some, so maybe they fell out of the bag.

I knew that would be too good to be true and as we two coffee-less wonders waited for her to come back the snipping started again.

"I tink wit dis ting she bought you will horde da cuppy tings." Mam threw at me.

We didn't even have it set up, we had no coffee k cups and already I was being accused of doing what she probably had in mind to do herself, I tell ya!

Tonya returned with a cup of Dunk's coffee in hand and wow did mam and I perk up. She took the last sip and announced she had not bought the coffee k cups. WHO DOES THAT TO SUFFERING PEOPLE? Stands there making a terrible announcement all the while holding a cup of joe and when asked if she had the wherewithal to buy US a cup, was told no, she thought by now we had gone out and gotten coffee. AS IF!

"Do you mean we are still out of coffee for tomorrow?" She asked.

I could have killed the cat I was so angry at her. DUH we are both still in pyjamas, does it look like we are wired? So no, we have not been out of the house.

She had put the Styro cup down. I grabbed it before me mam could get her arthritic hands around it and flipped off the lid. There at the bottom was one single drop! If I was not in coffee hell all day, I would have lifted the cup up to me mouth and let that last precious drop cruise into me waiting mouth, but because I could not focus, as the result of no coffee I tried to put me tongue inside the cup trying to lap up that last drop and of course me tongue isn't 8" long and couldn't do it! Even me mam groaned at me inability to get that last drop.

Well, that did it, I'll show Tonya. I took the left over Brussel sprouts (which I hate and she likes), threw them in the microwave and then ate every last one of them!

"I hope you're happy now that you have a vitamin rush probably going on, on an empty stomach no less, Mister." Said she.

"I be so." Said I as defiantly as I could.

I swiped me keys off the counter, put me slippers on and in full pyjama kit I was off to me car to drive to Dunken Donuts. Not because I had finally caved in for coffee craziness, it was because the taste of the Brussel sprouts was so yucky I couldn't stand it. I wasn't about to down a gallon of water in front of a smirking Tonya to kill the taste, so in me brainless haze I thought driving away the next best thing. See THIS is what happens when there is no coffee in the morning, brain does not work. And worse it causes you to do stupid things like eat Brussel sprouts when you don't even like them.

I noticed I needed petrol and was thinking I'd get me cuppa joe, some bags of dark roast for later and tomorrow, and then fill the old motor up with it's own brand of coffee. But as I pulled in to the petrol station/Dunken Donuts, I became vaguely aware of the sound of bing, bing, bing, which I had heard almost all the way to Dunks. It was the motor telling me it was on empty. I stopped and debated for not even a nanosecond that first was coffee, second was petrol. I pulled up to the drive thru and was two feet from the order microphone when me car died. Yes, if freaking died! Angry now, I got out and slammed the door shut, walked up to the order mic and gave me order. I walked around to the pick up window, much to the surprise of the workers inside, who noticed the outfit or lack of, got me two bags of coffee, gave me two cups (yes, I bought one for the old coot) and then walked over to the curb and sat down to enjoy and savour me cuppa.

Meanwhile, I am hearing the honking of horns when I realised there was a long line of cars in the drive thru line and they were honking at me empty motor. Nothing I could do about that I thought, still not thoroughly awake. I was still in need of coffee, so I started on the one I had bought me mam. As I was sitting on me curb, savouring, I saw a tow-truck, but I gave it no mind, and soon after I hear it coming around the building and what is it hauling? You guessed it, me petrol empty Saturn!

That got me awake with a jolt. I could have (had I been thinking clearly) gone over to the petrol station and got someone to steer the motor while I pushed it to a petrol dispenser. NOW I was going to be paying a 5 yard tow bill! REALLY? Oh yes, really. I went over to the station and they asked where I had been, and then handed me a bill for $150.00 towing charge and informed me they did me a favour before someone called the police and I got a fine for obstructing the flow of traffic through a drive thru (a coffee drive thru at that) and an impound fee. REALLY?! I mean REALLY REALLY? WOW. That was all I could say.

I vaguely wondered why they were looking at me funny and it wasn't until I was home, I realised what I was wearing. I was still in me PJ's and slippers!

I wrote out a cheque, had them gas up the motor, paid for that, and laid rubber taking off out of there. I was so furious, I hadn't realised I left me two bags of paid for coffee on the curb outside Dunks. I was so embarrassed (yes, the brain was kicking in) I did not drive back because I knew that bags of ground roast would be GONE! So when I got home empty handed, me mam was ready for me. Oh yes she was. It wasn't pretty I can tell ya that much!

Having disowned me as a son, she (still in her pyjamas), got in her Mini and off she went for a Turbo coffee and she probably bought the same two bags of dark roast, because the girl at the checkout said she just happened to have two bags left by some crazy absent minded customer who was dressed in pyjamas can you believe it. The girl stopped talking when she realised what she was looking at. An old lady in HER pyjamas! Uh huh. Mam told Tonya because of her Irish accent she goes inside because it takes an age of repeating herself at the drive thru. She said service was great, but the people that worked there were strange. They were looking at her funny. This said in the middle of the kitchen, her in pyjamas with fuzzy slippers and an old bathrobe, sipping her Turbo, completely oblivious.

I am sure she will realise WHY the Dunk's people were staring at her and the girl cut herself off abruptly when she comes down from the wired, bustling, coffee charged jolt her brain is currently experiencing. Me house is the cleanest I've ever seen it, she's somehow managed six loads of wash in two hours, and the floors shine so much they look like mirrors. I would love to laugh at her, but I did the same thing pyjama-wise and worse. So we won't be going there.

Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

30 September, 2015

A Place I Will Avoid On Halloween

30 September 2015

R. Linda:

It came to me attention (as I drove the back roads looking to avoid traffic on highway road construction) that something was amiss up at a crossroads in the village I had come upon. It was the end of the day and I was on me way home, and was none to happy to see a stop coming. As I pulled up to the crossroad, I realised I hadn't avoided the road construction after all. There was a man in a day glow hard hat with a sign that said STOP and with his hand raised in me direction I had to, of course STOP.

I sat there looking at the mess in front of me. From what I could glean, a heavy dump truck loaded with topsoil had caved in part of the road shoulder just outside the old town cemetery. It looked like I was going to have to back up and go another way, but I had a line of motors behind me, so I would have nothing better to do than sit and wait. I watched the road crew try to push the truck out of the hole, all the while trying not to fall into it, but of course, that didn't work. I got out as had another driver and we stood there chatting about a course of action to get said truck out of said hole, but it was all beyond our power to really do much about the problem.

I walked over to the man with the STOP sign and asked (because I be a nosey Parker) what had happened, as if the obvious wasn't the obvious. He told me what I told you but added that they were awaiting the town bucket loader. This giant thing arrived just as I was about to go ask the other drivers to back up so I could get out, but being a man when I saw that bucket loader, well I wanted to watch! 

It took some time for a discussion to go on before the big machinery was set up to pull the truck out. I  should mention that while they awaited the bucket loader's arrival, several workmen had climbed onto the dump truck and were shovelling the topsoil over the side while another contingent below shovelled it in a large pile next to the cemetery wall. It seemed after the hard winter we had last year, a good amount of ancient graves had sunk and well, the town elders ordered topsoil to fill in the indentations, thus the stuck dump truck bearing too much weight and road shoulder cave in.

I, and the other driver, were curious at what the workman, dump truck operator, and a few of the ground floor shovellers were pointing at below the tyres of the truck. We casually walked over and looked down to see a few old pine caskets below the tyres. Well, this was a dilemma for sure! They had to get the truck off there before it sunk further and exposed the occupants, broke the pine tops and caused more expense than already apparent!

We were asked if we saw what they saw and when we concurred, there was a pull of bandannas out of pockets, a wipe of the brow and then a look that said, "OH SHITE!" It was discussed with our help (for they seemed to think that we wearing business suits were idea men) would have to first gently and carefully raise the dump truck (unloaded of its topsoil), then get some granite slabs that were left over from another road job, bring them in and lay them gently on top of the exposed caskets and then use some of the topsoil to fill that hole. One of the men volunteered to be as far away from all this as possible by going to the local nursery for sod to lay over the topsoil. One must only think this guy had a tale to tell all at the nursery!

Well, as the bucket loader was easing the dump truck out of its hole, painfully slowly, the pastor from the church across the way came over. I guess he saw all this from his office window and was curious as to what in town was going on. He had only to look down into the hole before he gleaned the situation. His mouth formed a great O as he looked from exposed caskets to the ground crew. He was told what was going to happen next and he nixed that in the bud. 

"No, no, we must say words over the poor souls down there before anything is done." 

Meanwhile, by coincidence, another motor joined our line of halted vehicles and out of it was a man dressed as a priest. He saw the pastor and waved, as he came on.

"Oh no," the pastor murmured, "we are in for an ecumenical service now!"

And he was right, as soon as the priest from the next town over looked in the hole, he took a step back and with a wide smile, declared it a "witches hole" and an exorcism needed.

As you can imagine, the words "witches hole" made everyone uncomfortable, the urge now was to just cover it up fast and get the hell out of there as everyone and I mean everyone who had been on the edge of the hole looking down, moved back in unison.

"You can see the caskets are buried outside the cemetery wall, and can rightly assume these folks were not permitted entrance to sacred burial within the walls. Therefore, we can rightly assume they were witches, murderers, or worse." Father Patrick declared with (I will admit) a fair amount of joy in his voice.

For the life of me I could not think what was worse than being a witch or murderer but OK. The truck driver asked him what was to be done next, but not before he informed the priest that granite slabs were being dispatched as they spoke, sod was coming and they had enough extra topsoil to fill in the hole (he thought). 

"Well," Father Patrick said looking at the pastor, "John I know there is a full moon tonight, be perfect for an exorcism and once I put on that show, you can give the blessings to the departed cleansed souls and the slabs can be put on and everything tidied up."

"Don't you need the Bishop and Pope's approval for that?" Pastor John asked.

"Well, this is a dire situation and I think we can forego all that." Father Patrick said with some authority.

Sounded to me and me fellow drivers of which now there were all of them out of their motors, that we would be stuck here until the moon was up! But before any of us could protest the town clerk appeared with questions and legalities galore. This person declared it wasn't a church problem it was a TOWN PROBLEM! Oh yes, that opened a discussion that got most heated between the clergy and the clerk, then the work crew joined in (something about overtime) and then being informed no overtime because they were the cause of the said event, and soon after we drivers were in on the "discussion" because as all this was going on a large earth breaker tractor had pulled up behind the line of cars and guess what? It had broken down (operator had left the motor running the entire time and it ran out of diesel and there was no diesel to be had but two towns over, and it would require a tanker to fill up the earth mover, I tell ya!), and no vehicle could go forward or backward to get out of the line of motors now parked on the small road. GREAT!

Too much time was spent with arguments going on all around the dead in the hole, that people who lived on the common were coming out of their houses to see what the chatter was about and this bought more chatter and the attention of the Baptist minister who heard the sound thinking a town meeting had broken out without his knowledge, and of course he scooted down the road to find out what the subject was, and if he had any dealings in it and well you know he did. When he heard the clerical show that was going to go on once the moon rose, he wanted in!

Well, this lead to the two main officiants saying no, because that meant they would have to ask the Methodist minister, the Unitarians, the Jehovah's Witnesses, the Christian Scientists, and whoever was left from a religious denomination to join in and my God we'd all be there until the middle of next week!

That was enough for all of us to join in the fray and inform the Baptist minister he could not utter a word, the other two had it by a vote of all there and basically to seal his lips and stop shaking his head no, it was so ordained and that was that.

Meanwhile, the town clerk was on the phone, the selectmen had arrived with the town lawyer and oh R. Linda, it was awful the shouting at the holy people, the work crew defending the clergy (because they wanted out of there and they knew the town lawyer would get an injunction and we'd all be there into the middle of next year if he did that.

So by this time the day was setting, the moon was just starting to shine over the Congregational Church across the way, the priest had called someone at his church to bring the necessary vestments and holy water and so he was all set, town lawyer, injunction or no. The pastor of the Congregational Church had only to run across the way for his glasses and Bible and well, the religious part was ready. The slabs had arrived, the sod was there, the towns folk had made sandwiches and lemonade for all bystanders and witnesses to the SHOW because that was really what it was, about to be performed for the entertainment and awe of all standing around, and possibly to actually bless the poor exposed dead in their caskets and damn the town clerk and her assembly. 

I called home and no one there believed me, of course they wouldn't, I wouldn't have believed me either. They were all for driving on over to see for themselves if Gabriel was telling the truth or not. I told them not to we'd never get out that village for the number of gawkers who were arriving with lawn chairs, thermoses of coffee and hot chocolate, all we needed was a campfire and marshmallows. Gees, small towners!

So I and many people I didn't know and still don't, were subject to watching the moon rise, the Catholic priest doing his thing and then the pastor doing his, followed by all of us helping to get those slabs in place, filling in the hole, and cutting and placing sod over the top. All this while the town clerk muttered about it being illegal and that the caskets should have been dug up and put inside the cemetery walls. Of course, she was told that those below were witches or murderers or what have you, but she argued they'd had an exorcism against their will and were supposedly cleansed, and then she was told by the road crew they were probably satanists and the whole affair wouldn't mean a damn to them, and on this went until a tanker arrived with diesel for the earth mover and we could all go home.

I haven't heard a word since. No one wrote about this but me! I won't mention the village or anyones name in case they decided they want to throw me in that hole. But what a way to spend the end of a work day!

I had arrived home full of dirt, pieces of grass on me jacket and a sweaty shirt filled with stains of all kinds, including holy water; which because I was standing too close to the hole, sprayed me. I was up to the edge for the crowd who came to "witness" and because I had been there first on the scene and thought I deserved a front row view. I am lucky I wasn't pushed over the side and down into the grave. I will tell ya this, I won't be driving that way any time soon. Call me superstitious, but come Halloween, I have a feeling those spirits will rise out of that hole and come looking for those who disturbed them and made a spectacle of spectres who only wanted eternal rest outside or inside the walls of that cemetery, I don't think it really mattered which side to them. Or witch. 

Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

15 September, 2015

A series of unfortunate events - Part 2

15 September 2015

R. Linda:

The drone and bat incident has faded from memory after a week. The weather was not conducive to a search in the woods, so the drone be still out there. The kiddos won't go into the woods without me, so it will stay there until I get meself in the mood to schlep through the boggy area. Tonya tells me it probably killed the bat and that's what we'll find. Pleasant isn't she?

This last Saturday, I was to meet a friend for lunch. This be a friend from the old neighbourhood who I haven't seen since I moved. He told me he'd meet me half the distance between me house and his house. I was pleased too, a little gossip from the old neighbourhood was always a treat and getting away from the Honey Do list an even bigger one.

Meanwhile, as I be getting ready and unbeknownst to meself, me grey haired, apple cheeked mam was planning a foray of her own. She had bought herself a bright blue Mini-Cooper and every opportunity to take it out was followed by any excuse she could think up. Saturday it was picking up a "few odds and ends." I gave that no thought and didn't ask her when or where, as me mind was not present and so I went to shower.

I got meself ready and picked up me phone to see I was ten minutes behind. Me watch battery was fading and well, I know to change it instead of rely on it slowing things and me down. I took off in a muck sweat and drove the 30 minutes through the woods to the highway, then another 20 on the highway to the town we were meeting in. This town has a common, or green, in this case called an oval, and the traffic if you don't live in New Hampshire, can confuse an out-of-stater. The oval has the right of way, the two streets leading off (one goes north/south, the other goes east/west) have to wait as there is no stop light, just a stop sign at both intersections. When a car goes around the oval then the motors coming from the north can move forward into the oval traffic, that is IF a motor pulling out from the west doesn't proceed first. There was a motor from Illinois in front of me inching out thinking the oval traffic would stop to let him out. Oval traffic always has the right of way, so I knew that wasn't happening. You had to wait for that to lighten up and hope no one from the west intersection was pulling out as you were. The motors waiting at the north where all New Hampshire plates so they knew the drill, and as an opening came from the oval, they would begin pulling into it. But Mr. Illinois wasn't sure how to proceed, so inch by inch and minute by minutes I sat there behind him with a long line of New Hampshire folk looking very disgruntled behind me. Finally, Illinois took a chance and flew on out. There was no one in the west intersection by this time, so that problem of bumper cars was solved. I guess Illinois figured it was as good a time as any to gun the motor on out into the abyss of oval traffic.

So now it be me turn. I get to the edge of the walk lines and I notice the west intersection be still clear, but lots of motors going round the oval because now I could see the signs for a church rummage sale in front of the community centre and road construction at the bottom of the oval which is where I wanted to go. Traffic backup was the problem, so I begin inching out but the oval cars were exiting toward the west intersection making a barrier in front of me. Finally, I see the motors beginning to move, but more cars are taking the east/west intersection so I cannot move, unless traffic opens up and I can zoom off into the oval. The traffic started to stop for cars pulling out of the library (some scout meeting it looked further up in the east lane) and I thought ok someone will surely stop and let me through since they can't go anywhere. I was looking for someone to stop when I see this small motor come heading east and I see this white haired old lady making gestures over the top of her steering column, like waving me to move forward, but then she isn't stopping either and I be watching her in wonder as I realise she be bopping to music and keeping time with her waving me forward, but not, hand. She comes to a stop right in front of me, blocking me from moving forward, and I look at her and its ME OWN APPLE CHEEKED GREY HAIRED MAM! I tell ya. She was oblivious to the fact she was holding up a whole line of irate New Hampshire farmers who had started blowing their horns at ME! Like I was the problem. I was near beside meself trying to get her attention, but no, no, she was into ZZ Top's She's Got Legs. Yes, I could hear the music blasting from her open window.

"Mam!" I yelled out me window at her. "MAM!"

Nothing. She never even looked in me direction, so engrossed in the music was she. I hear a horn sound to me left and there be me wife laughing. She had kept her Beetle a car space so I could get through. She knew it was me oblivious mam holding up the works. I was able to crane the steering to the left and manoeuvre me way through. I waved thanking her and went on me way. Of course, later when I confronted the old woman she said she didn't know what I was talking about. Right!

"ZZ Tops? Never heard of em'." She huffed.

Anyway, I had a bit of a sketchy lunch at a Russian place (which made me nervous because the last Russian restaurant I was in I met up with Uncle Boris), so I ordered pierogis and while I think they were delicious, I was too preoccupied to notice really. So when I got home I was peckish and for some crazy reason, O'Hare's peanut butter and jelly sanny looked like just the thing. I got the bread, I got the jelly and I could not find the peanut butter.

"Bud, where's the peanut butter at?" I asked the munching child of mine.

"I dunno, grandma made the sandwich." He said.

I looked everywhere and couldn't find it thinking maybe she used the last bit on O'Hare's sanny. I settled for toast, butter and jelly.

I was rinsing off O'Hare's and my dishes when I went to put the dishes in the dishwasher and what did I find on the top shelf? THE PEANUT BUTTER thats what! The old bird had a mind fart and instead of placing the jar in the cupboard, she put it in the dishwasher. I was so glad I didn't start the thing. Can you imagine?

I truly hope I have a better week.

Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

A series of unfortunate events - Part 1

15 September 2015

R. Linda:

The stars must be misaligned in me life or something strange be going on. It seems that things happen that are questionable to downright bizarre.

It all started when we had two days of rain. The first one was heavy downpour which meant there was no outside activities for me three kiddos. The one celebrated a birthday recently and was given a drone-like toy that had remote control. I thought it was a gift that should have gone to me eldest as it seemed rather advanced for me middle one, BUT he was thrilled to have something his older brother wanted. I had been pestered all day about flying the thing, and was shown the box by the older kiddo which said the toy could be flown (yes FLOWN) inside. I was reluctant but being hounded by the two older ones I gave in.

The mini-drone is made of lightweight metal, has small led lights which make it colourful and easy to see. So caving in I read the directions (which did make me think operating the thing would be tricky at best). Being the adult or as me wife says, the big kid in the house, I put it on the kitchen counter, got out the remote, installed proper batteries and was all set to fly. Up it went, lights blinking and then zoom around the living room (good we have open concept). The kiddos were all enjoying it swoop when I learned lesson number one. Put the dogs out first before flying anything because they came in hearing the funny buzzing noise, saw the thing up in the air and started barking and chasing after it, jaws snapping. It was sort of funny watching Dragon's dog (yes, the hound is still with us because she didn't want to fly back with in (probably thought it would fall off her broom, and be a perfect excuse for her to come back here) jumping up in the air all 70 lbs. of him trying to grab the thing like it was a Frisbee. He looked a twisted pretzel each time he came down to earth. This of course, had me nervous and I was trying me best to keep the thing from the jaws of certain destruction, and not having flown it before, well it was dicey to say the least. Not only were the dogs after it, the two cats were in on the fray, swiping at the dogs as they went and leaping up at the flying ship like it was a bird to be devoured. I tell ya chaos reigned!

I was so inundated with the unwanted activity, and the noise, that I lost control of the thing and it plummeted to the couch (luckily behind it) where I was the only one (with long arms) who could fish it out. That was that. I told the kiddos next nice day we'd take it outside. I won't tell you what the wife had to say to me about it, your ears would ring.

Next day (Sunday) it was drizzly so no flying the little drone. Disappointed kiddos all around and probably dogs too. Anyway after lunch I went to sit down and read A Light In The Forest by me partly opened window. Me oldest kiddo was reading it in school and I usually read his books to be on top of his homework. The book is about Native Americans and as I was sitting there engrossed in the story, I hear the sound of drums, the jingle of small bells, a flute and chanting. I woke from me reverie thinking how bizarre was that to get that into a book, BUT I could still hear the sound! It was like what you hear when Native Americans dance around the campfire and the persistent beat of the drums and the singing didn't stop with me putting the book down.

I told the wife and she came over and heard it too. At first she told me I was crazy and hearing things, then she started laughing. Nice one, give me the gaslight treatment. I was happy to know I wasn't losing what little was left of me mind.

"Oh," says she, "that's the pow wow going on in back of us. There were signs for it. The people who own the sugar shack put it on every year. I took the boys to it one year."

O K then. Gabe is quite sane and not losing his marbles anytime soon. Good news for me. I will say the rest of the book went flying by as I was serenaded the entire afternoon with the sounds of the pow wow. Made the story very realistic. We got the boys to come listen, the middle one didn't care, the youngest had no clue, but the eldest said he'd been to the pow wow and it was a bunch of white guys making like they had native blood. No biggy. Well, O K then so much for the magic I was feeling.

Monday, when I came home from work I was pestered to near death about flying the drone.

"Oh please Da, can we fly it? Come on Da, pull-eseee!"

Oi! So it was twilight and Tonya told me we had 45 minutes before dinner, so out we went drone and controls in hand.

O'Hare had read the directions and told me he didn't need me to help him and off the thing flew and I was amazed how high it went. I thought for sure we'd lose it in the clouds. I was also glad we don't live in an air plane path! I told him to bring it down and he eased it but then it starting coming down at him. Gees! He ran off and it smashed to the ground, but remarkably it was not broken. He told me it was hard to bring down. So I took the controls and got the thing back in the air, and as I was raising it I was making sure it wasn't going too high, it was twilight and getting hard to see. But the flashing lights kept it in view when suddenly out of no where Count Dracula comes flying in, in his bat suit and swooped at the drone. I was like what the hell? The drone was slightly bigger than the bat, so this behaviour I thought rather strange. But the bat continued to follow the drone and swoop down at it, hitting it twice. This of course had Guido in a panic his drone would be smashed by the bat. I raised the drone higher into the top of the king pines thinking the bat wouldn't follow it, but it did! This unnerved me and as I went to bring the drone down, but in me excited state I pressed the wrong switch and the thing went up into the pine tree tops. Where it landed we have no idea, but we think it still be up there.

The bat I don't know where that went to, maybe it got the drone but really? So for the last week the kiddos are doing their own dance around the fire pit hoping for a windy day that the drone will be knocked from the king pines to the ground where hopefully, the drone will be still fit to evade Count Dracula, dogs, cats and little kids on another day.

That was the start of the strangeness. Maybe not so strange for me, but it continued.

Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

19 August, 2015


15 August 2015

R. Linda:

Do you remember Wolfie's jaguar I drove from the dealership many years ago because he wasn't available to pick it up? You will never guess where that motor is now. I thought it was long gone but he sold it to his neighbour at the time, Captain Jack!

When the captain got new plates for it, he got plates that went along with his profession of Captain Jack impersonator. I won't reveal them (as I don't advertise on the blog) but they have to do with the ship the Black Pearl. The only thing I will give away be that his Maine plates have a light house on them to boot and I thought that pretty cool. Anyway, the Captain thought they were fun plates and I assume he has many stories to tell if he was dressed as the Captain and driving the car with the Pearl plates on it. AND, because he left his car at my abode and told us to use it if we liked, I now have a couple of stories to tell too.

To the beginning of how I got the car in the first place. The Captain had an engagement, a normal engagement. He was to host his friend's early retirement party dressed in regular clothes without the Captain Jack persona which I am sure made an appearance at the party in voice form and jokes. Because he was driving down with a friend to the Lowell Lawrence area, he did not want to take the Jag. His friend who lives on the Massachusetts border offered to drive instead, but he lives in Concord, Mass. and that is out of the way for the Captain, so they made arrangements to leave the car safely with me, being the in-between route convenient to both of them.

When the Captain arrived dressed like a modern person, I almost didn't recognise him. But me kiddos were convinced Johnny Depp was in out yard because that's who he looks like normally. SO he was kind enough to put the Captain persona on and entertain the kiddos and at the same time hand me his car keys and tell me if I had need of the "Pearl's services, just hoist her sails and go mate."

I assured him the Pearl was in safe harbour and I wouldn't need her but it was nice of him to offer. The friend had meanwhile pulled up the driveway (YES I HAVE ONE AT LONG LAST) and off they went leaving the Pearl parked gleaming in the driveway. On the back window of the Pearl there is a decal of a pirate ship and the boyos were all about it.

Here take a look:

Yar Captian! Who does that? Puts a decal on a Jaguar?

The Pearl stood docked most of the day by the side of the house, the boys out playing pirates not too far away and referring to the Pearl as they played different parts from all of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

It was around 1:30 when me wife took me Saturn to go shopping (her VW in the shop). Me Mam was in the kitchen making Irish shortbread when she ran out of caster sugar and some secret ingredient she would not tell me what. She does that. So I offered to run to the store to get her what she needed but because of the secret ingredient she informed me only she could go. The only car we had was -- you guessed it -- the Pearl.

"Now Mam," I said holding up the keys, "ye moost take a care this be THE Pearl and not me motor."

"Oh give me the keys!" She swiped them from me. "Of course I will take a caution, I know wot kind of motor dat is. Pearl me foot."

And off she went saying to me as she began pulling out, "A sailin' I be goin'". I really had no concerns she'd be careful, because unlike the Dragon-in-law me Mam can see.

So off she went, delicately and slowly down the DRIVEWAY (I love I can write that) and out of sight as the wee ones saluted her with their pirate swords.

When she returned she was laughing. I thought that odd, so I took her sack of groceries and followed her inside completely forgetting to peek in the sack to see what the secret ingredient was.

"What are ye laughin' at?" I asked.

"Oh Gabriel, it be a fun ting drivin' dat motor it be." She said unpacking and her Irish accent getting thick. "I wus standin' at the checkout and I luked oot da window and the motor wus parked directly in me view. Dere wus a ten year old boy and his Da pointing at the plates and da kiddo wus animated and worse, his Da wus all excited. I wus tinkin' uh oh, dey tink Captain Jack be goin' to coom oot and drive da motor. Wot a surprise ta see soom old lady gettin' inta it. I jus couldna do it ta em'. So, I waited in the doorway fur em' ta coom inside befur I went oot." She explained between giggles.

In all her concern about breaking the spell for the lad and his Da, she hadn't noticed the secret ingredient was missing.

"Ooh dey didn't pack it." Says she.

I offered to go get it just to have a whirl in the Jag. She gave me an "I doon knoo."

"Ah come on Ma, I promise not to give up the secret ingredient to anyone. Just be our secret." I promised.

"Welll . . . ok den. Git da green sprinkles, da sugar crystals."

"Green sprinkles? THATS the secret ingredient?"

It was so off taking the Pearl for a sail I was. I went feeling like a rich guy driving that vehicle. I was wondering if I looked like anyone famous that I could impersonate them and be able to afford a Jaguar, or a BMW, or a Mercedes even. But no, me face is me face so I told meself in the mirror to get over it and enjoy the ride while I could.

I forgot all about looking to see if anyone was admiring the Pearl when I came out of the grocery store. I was oblivious wondering how many appearances it took to afford a high class motor. But then I realised the car was not the Captain's originally it was the Wolf's. I knew how he could afford it and probably ten others, and was wondering why HE would buy a sporty Jag and not a Lamborghini. But then he has kiddos too, so yeah you can't take but one person with you in a Lamborghini. Oh well.

As I made me way gently on the back roads to me neck of the woods, I was just twenty yards from me DRIVEWAY entrance when I see about thirty bikers come from the other direction. I couldn't make me turn until they passed unless I gunned it and I wasn't about to risk the Pearl (not that I didn't think it would make it, it would but for the gravel hitting the sides). So I stopped with blinker on and waved them by.

The leader of the biker group, I large suntanned and shirtless individual, except for a leather biker vest pointed to me license plate and said something over his shoulder to the bunch behind them. They all looked and every single one raised their fist in salute as they passed by shouting "HAR!"

It took me by total surprised and I laughed so hard I almost choked meself. I have to sit down with the Captain one day and ask him what happens when HE be at the wheel dressed in costume. Must be a hoot.

Tonya, after hearing me Mam and my story told me to ask the Captain to lend me the Pearl for Halloween I could get away dressed up as Captain Jack and ride around to find out just what it must be like to sail the Pearl and look the part.

Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved


  1. I remember that car! Gabe, abso-bloody-lutely as me Da would say, dress up for a Halloween drive! Would be quite a trip, or sail as the case may be. Or, better yet drive the Captain around and see what happens. LOL
  2. ROFLMAO forgot to count how many times you used DRIVEWAY! I thought wolf got rid of that c ar A captain in a jag? You need to take a picture with him behind the wheel. 


    1. I DO have a picture of him driving it. I have to find it.
  3. how cool would that be? a day in the life or how the other half lives? i'd dress up and do it.


    1. You are so ON salad girl. You dress up, I'll drive LMAO
    2. She doesn't have to be dressed as a salad, does she? 
    3. A salad would be good. Just stick a pirate hat on it and she'd be good to sail, LOL.
  4. I remember when he got that motor too!! Very nice. I dunno about dressing up as a pirate though driving it Gabe, will spoil the image for me lol
  5. No one sails the Pearl without the Captain aboard matey. I'd be happy to come dressed the part, anchor in your DRIVEWAY, pick you up (only if you dress as Hook, mate) and take you for a sail around your harbor and let you experience first hand the overwhelming joy of being me!


    1. You sound like the person that sold you the Pearl MATE, without the good hair. Full of ourselves are we? LMAO

09 August, 2015

It Started Off Great, Then It Got Worse and Worse

09 August 2015

R. Linda:

Bachelor party - Done! Rehearsal dinner - DONE! Wedding - DONE! Gabe quite a bit lighter in the pockets - DONE! Dragon in New Jersey and Gabe in New Hampshire - DONE, DONE, DONE, DONE, DONE! Life resumes - DONE!

We came home last night to very chilly weather compared to Jersey. It feels like fall and the dog is acting like we were gone for months. The cats (yes we now have two) didn't notice our absence and if they did they certainly don't care we are home. Anyway, all kiddos and old woman accounted for. The wife is FINALLY basking in after-wedding glow and recaps it all like a sportscaster. She probably could do a better job than me, but then she'd remember a certain set of keys and well the story would end abruptly, AND it would be all my fault because I decided we should drive instead of fly, so here goes.


We decided it might be good to let me mam fly down with Dragon and save us the howling baby syndrome on the plane. Our two older kiddos would be fine on a plane but the youngest . . . not so much. We could envision the plane being turned around with the news media having a field day, or worse the crew putting parachutes on us and dropping us out. He cannot sit still and he's started the terrible twos along with a high pitched screaming like a girl if he doesn't get what he wants. Yup safer for our sanity to drive. This way if he pitched a fit we could pull over and deal with it.


As with all me adventures this one was not without its pitfalls or pratfalls as the case is much more likely to be when it comes to yours truly. So starting with the bachelor party -- There were like 20 of us to start off, but by the time we hit the brewery (yes, that is where we went) there were about 40 of us and it didn't end there. We were each given an unflattering t-shirt with the groom's face on it looking glum. The photo used, he has no clue where it came from, but there it was starting him in the face all night and everywhere. Can you imagine walking into places with all your friends wearing your face on their shirts? Awesome! LOL

We went to a microbrewery and were given samples (hefty ones) and told the art of beer brewing. We even saw where the brewery also extended into their own mini-vodka distillery and yes we got a taste of each strange brew so we were well on our way to inebriation. When done with the hour tour we got into a limo (because who could drive?) and off to about thirty pubs. It was probably more than that but after the first ten you lose count. Each pub had FOOD so at least we weren't all drifting through the alcohol haze on the equivalent of petrol in our guts.

The jokes and practical ones, got more raunchy as the night went on and we ended up at some club with throbbing bass and percussion permeating the entire block. Lots of hoots and drinking, drinking and dancing, joking and drinking, and general drinking mayhem. The groom got the usual call (that all grooms do) that comes in the wee hours from his bride to be, "Where are you? My bridal party was over at eleven, it's 2:30 in the morning. I'm all alone, when are you coming home?" and then, "Do I hear women laughing? What's going on, where ARE YOU?"

Shortly after THAT with a lot of man giggling (not pretty) by those listening to the bride on speaker phone (which she didn't know she was) we knew enough to end the ribald merriment and break up the good time of which very few of us could remember the next day. The only thing we had that perplexed each one, was one hell of a slamming hangover. Where did that come from I wonder?


With a few hours to recover, the next night we were off to rehearsal dinner. The restaurant was an Italian number as I am finding they usually are for rehearsal dinners. Instead of having designated tables (which had the Dragon lady all a-fluster) we were told to sit where we wanted. This, as you can imagine established chaos right away. Part of the family was at one end of the room and shouting at the other from what seemed miles away. It was not only family and wedding party, but a few close friends and extended family, making for quite a loud crowd. Hey, but its Jersey they talk or tawk loud.

We were in a backroom but the bar was just outside the door so all that elegant wine being served was soon interspersed with beer and mixed drinks. The duty of the groom in these situations is to drink himself into courage for the next day to brace himself to take that walk down the aisle and say those "I do's." THIS is at least what all his groomsmen told him, so they had him pretty much in his cups before the main entree arrived. The bride didn't seem to notice because "her people" as she called her bridal party were all about her. Poor thing, wait until she sees those photos of her and her beloved, her looking all smiles, perky and excited and him, all bloodshot eyes, drunken demeanour and tongue lolling out as he fought to stay conscious.

The dinner went without a hitch somehow and that left the wedding the next day. All was going too smooth not have a monkey wrench thrown in there somewhere and it was coming!


Wedding day was bright and beautiful, the sea air was refreshing, everyone jovial and then the hectic getting ready set in and all stayed that way until the ceremony itself. We went to the hotel where the bridal party had suites on both sides of the building to keep the couple from seeing each other on their big day. I had dropped Tonya and me youngest off at the brides side and everything there was happy, happy, giggles, whispers, and general excitement. The other two kiddos were with me Mam and not part of the wedding, but wee man was a ring bearer for the ceremony. I noticed the ladies had a table with cheese, crackers, wine, pastries, etc., and no one was partaking because "I need to fit into my dress," the general excuse. I was invited to have a glass of wine before I left, they gave me a napkin of cheeses and assorted crackers and I was happy to be on me way.

On the other side of the building, the groomsmen where in quiet conversations nursing yet again, hangovers and generally it felt subdued over there. The occasional boisterous buddy would turn up to wish them well to a chorus of hushing, heads hurt. I tell ya! Men right? LOL. I was good, I had me wine which they were all asking me why I got special favours from the bride and not them. I told them I was better looking than all of them and that was why and besides she liked me best.

There was crisps of sorts, dips, and beer in our section, so it wasn't like we had nothing. It was the bride and grooms choice of complimentary munchies they wanted before the ceremony. By the time we had to go to the venue, most of those munchies on our side (at least) were reduced to crumbs.

Before we left I was asked to deliver a message to the bridesmaids (since I was reminded they liked me best) and I met the bridal party coming down the elevator. As soon as the doors opened I knew some catastrophe had struck. The faces were all concerned and me wife's most of all!


Before I tell you what happened, let me remind you that our youngest has an alter-ego named Georgie. I don't know if I ever told you the story of Georgie, but if I have I will just refresh your memory. When I was small, me cousin George (who was a year or two younger) was this towheaded, cute as a button little man. To look at him you'd almost think you could hear a chorus of angels singing, he was that adorable. Only thing was George, or Georgie as we called him, was anything but angelic. He was a demon in disguise. Tell him he's a cutie and he'll kick you in the shins. Tell him he has the best smile and he'll spit at you. Yes, cousin George was quite the kiddo.

At the ripe old age of ten, he decided life on the rails was probably more his style and so while at play with a few neighbour boys, he dropped everything and started walking down the railroad line until he found a train that was standing still, hopped in and took a free ride five towns down the line. As you can imagine, once it was discerned cousin George was missing, everyone was in a muck sweat looking for him before one of his fellows gave up reluctantly that Georgie left to live the life of a hobo! Oh my, his mother near swooning, his father saying something about a switch being too good to use "on that lad!" and me standing there with me sissy thinking that Georgie never did that did he? Well, of course he did it was Georgie after all.

He was found by the constables he was. He was given a good talking to I heard, but through it all George sat in the constabulary, arms crossed against his chest, legs swinging back and forth with a mischievous (or as I think was more the case, demonic) smile on his cutie pie face. It wasn't a few years later cousin George was shipped off to the equivalent of military school to learn some discipline and control. I don't know if that worked, I lost track of George in me teenage years, but whenever a small child in me immediate family starts acting bad, we wonder if the Georgie gene be in them. In me son's case, I be pretty convinced it is. That same wicked grin comes over his features, his eyes have a strange evil light that shines through slits and knowing he knows perfectly well not to do something he does it anyway and then laughs. Yup he does.


So back to the elevator with all the pretty ladies and the bride all decked out for the nuptials. There in front was me lad, dressed in his little grey double breasted suit with super hero cape, his face a huge sunny smile of wickedness, as he stood legs apart, and one hand pointing down the hole of the elevator shaft. The little demon had been acting the maggot as he had no nap and to distract him, Tonya had given him our house and car keys. Well, perfect set up -- keys, hole and Georgie. He threw them down the shaft with glee and no one could stop them. Tonya said it was like slow motion she watched them fall and she couldn't grab them before they left sight three stories up to the bottom of the shaft.

These were the keys we needed to get into our home once we returned, BUT more importantly these were the keys to our car we needed to drive to the venue, 15 minutes away. Tonya was in charge of bringing three young boys down the aisle, so she wasn't part of the bridesmaids, so we were driving with the wee one to the venue. While the bride and her retinue went to the limo, we were using our phone flashlights down the shaft trying to see if we could see the keys. We could, they were down in the box below the elevator. People were waiting to go up while we did this so we had quite the crowd around us offering all kinds of useless suggestions.

The desk was no help, it was like so what. I asked them if they had a key to the box below, no they didn't the elevator company did and being a weekend we'd have to wait until Monday. Oh no, the wife went ballistic and they got quite the finger shaking, head shaking and sharp tongue Tonya be more than capable of when upset. The desk sent for someone to come help us. This turned out to be an older woman in a janitorial uniform who told us basically there was nothing she could do.

GREAT! Meanwhile, the limo we were supposed to follow had left! The wee one was screaming like a girl at the top of his lungs, knowing he did wrong, but as he always does when he knows he's been bad he stands there and screeches until blood drips from me ears. I tell ya!

Tonya got into a panic -- keys gone, no way to go to venue, limo gone, no directions.

The groomsmen came down after a time and I told one of them what happened not wanting to upset the groom on his day. He lent me his car to get to the venue which was very nice it had a car seat so we were legal to go. Meanwhile, their limo pulled up and the desk had the elevator people on the phone and they wanted Tonya to talk to them BECAUSE the one worker who was nearest was in Trenton and he had been at a weekend party and was too drunk to drive. The only other one was up in Lancaster, Pennsylvania (for all intents and purposes a million miles away and in another state). And he, didn't want to drive all that way to the Jersey shore.

The desk told me IF he did get himself to the hotel it wasn't going to be until very late and there was a charge of $450 to retrieve the keys. Oi! They also said they couldn't book us a room to stay the night as they had none, all hotels were filled this time of year. GREAT, we were pretty much stranded. Everyone had booked rooms for the night knowing ahead they'd be drinking. We did not, because I had the bright idea we could leave early enough we had time to drive home without being tired. Yea, bright idea -- me!

Tonya finally got the elevator guy to say he'd head out but it was going to take him awhile to get there. As we headed out I had no clue what the car I was driving was or where it was parked. This set Tonya into hyper annoyance and now directed at me! I used the panic button to find the car, got "Georgie" in the car seat and took off for the light and the direction I had seen the limo turn.

"Call one of your brothers and get directions," I told Tonya.

Reception was sketchy. We had a few calls and a few wrong turns but we finally got there. Tonya was red in the face, totally humiliated, the young one, acting like nothing happened, and me just trying to keep the wife from falling apart.

"I'm not sure this guy is even coming," she moaned.

"Lets get through the ceremony and then we'll discuss it." I told her.

"How can I? I just want this day over!" She whined.

If you think it got any better, it didn't.

So the wedding ceremony.

I left Tonya to take me place in the front row. The procession started, groom, best man, groomsmen all front and centre to where their friend (a justice of the peace) was waiting under a white rose arbour. The ocean right up to the window of the room, seagulls in flight, sunny beautiful day outside.

Music cued, and down the aisle came all twenty three bridesmaids (I am sure it wasn't that number just seemed like a huge wedding party). I neglected to tell you there was no maid of honour, it was man of honour, the bride being close to her brother, he was her choice, so pretty different. Then the wife with three wee laddies all under the age of two. She carried the one year old, the other two (me lad included) were at her side. But having no hands available they were LOOSE.

They all three sported capes with their first initial on the back as little super hero's which was the theme of the wedding. The groom had proposed to his bride with a Darth Vader ring since the engagement ring was still being sized and he wanted to propose while he had the nerve, thus the super hero theme. I should mention the grooms and groomsmen roses in their lapels were attached to each with a different Star Wars action figure.

Anyway, the two kiddos realising they were free from their designated adult, took off down the aisle in all directions. Poor Tonya! She was near tripping over her gown looking to the right, then the left, then behind her, and she was flummoxed what to do. The one loose laddie had his arms out in front of him like Superman and made like he was flying (cute actually), and mine was stopping at each aisle seat looking at the occupant with a wicked smile on his face, pointing and saying, "WHO DAT?" I was thinking I'd be going after him and knowing him as I do, having to drag a screeching little man to me seat. But at the last minute he walked up to me and I was able to gather him in me lap to keep him still. Superman, meantime was caught by his mam on the other side of the aisle so we were good . . . for the moment.

Tonya handed off the one year old to his mam and took her place with me, the kiddos, me mam and her mam and da. Her brothers and sisters and their kids and significant others were behind us. We were in the front row because Tonya had a reading yet to get through.

The bride's music cued us all to stand and the most wonderful thing happened, Darth Vader's March was played. We all got a well needed laugh, and I was almost envisioning the bride dressed in a Darth Vader helmet and a black dress coming down the aisle, but she didn't go that far. The music ran right into Vivaldi's Four Seasons and there she was looking stunning.

Tony's reading went well but in the middle of it our wee Georgie wanted to join her. I caught him and he proceeded to lie on the floor and I was bracing meself for him to start screaming and kicking but instead he was lying there pointing at the groomsmen above him and asking, "Who dat?" I tell ya!

The bride and groom had their kiss and as they did two hand gliders came drifting past the windows! Was a perfect end to the super hero theme.


I mistakenly thought we were good. Crisis near over, but not to be. Tonya phoned the hotel as we went to the beach for photos. Nothing was different, keys were still in shaft and elevator worker was still in Pennsy. She lost the rhinestone ornament on her silver shoes in the sand so she had one glittery shoe and one not in all the pictures. We couldn't find the thing. Then "Georgie" had enough of the cape and ripped it off before his pictures. There was a quick fix by one of the bridesmaid so the bride didn't know. We got through THAT and he decided to take off his shoes so he could walk in the sand. He screamed bloody murder when we tried to get the shoes back on which caused a lot of onlookers to stop to see how we were killing the kid. I tell ya, he be in all HIS pictures as the barefoot one.


We went up to the reception and since young "Georgie" didn't want anymore elevators (a view shared by his mam), we took the four flights of stairs where at the top me mam thought she was having a heart attack. No chairs at the top but way across the room. I thought I was going to have to carry her and here we'd be making another scene. I tell ya! Somehow I got her across the room while Georgie took off to point at a maintenance man who was latching a window, as Tonya found me mam's table. At the top of his wee lungs he was shouting, "WHO DAT?" We seated me mam quickly, got her some water, and tried to make it so no one knew at her request she was unwell. Getting her situated, Tonya went into the bridal suite provided for the wedding party and ripped the hotel a new one as I ran after the wayward youngest, the other two with their uncle safe and sound.

Tonya rang up the elevator guy and I guess the tears and whining along with the threats and harassment finally got him off his behind and on his way. Why the hotel had no key I have no clue but I wondered what else they'd find in that shaft box.

Meanwhile, I had caught up with the wee monster and him kicking and struggling I took him to the table awaiting the babysitter to come fetch him.

Each table had a name and in a rolled scroll at each place setting was a funny story about either the bride or the groom that led to the naming of the table. Ours was named Lobster Bisque, and the story was about the groom who went out into knee deep water in the ocean to see if he could see a shark. He spent most of the noon hour there and for his trouble, ended up with sun poisoning. I was glad I wasn't the only idiot who did stuff like that.

Dinner went mostly without incident except me wife was missing most of it locked up in the bridal suite on the phone with either the elevator guy or the hotel. She came back at one point to inform me we were stuck at the hotel until probably 3 a.m. Which meant that as soon as the special dances were out of the way and the cake was cut, we'd be subject to our youngest having tantrums from being overly tired and not having had his afternoon nap. I could see us in a hotel lobby with THAT going on. She knew it too and was very near tears, actually she was in tears. Just the thought of THAT was worse than keys being down an elevator shaft without a key!

When it was time for me to go get said child who was downstairs and bring him up, he would not enter the elevator. I think he never will again. We had to watch couples leaving, kids going and us staying with three underage kiddos, one a typhoon all on his own and the other two tired and starting the "When are we leaving," routine. Oh yeah fun.

I will say relatives and people we did not know occupied all three for us here and there, but the thought of waiting in a lobby later was hanging heavily over us. Then we realised we had no way back to the hotel. Hell we couldn't remember where the hotel was. Oi, oi, oi!

I was able to make arrangements with the only sober male in the reception, a teetotaller, who was very nice to drive us back to the hotel. But that was after the raunch started. I have never been able to stay at a wedding to its conclusion because usually if the bride and groom leave, then everyone sort of does in good time, but if they stay and are party animals like these two, well there is a whole new atmosphere that settles in and a certain bunch that stay for the fun.

The bride was literally running shoeless with her skirts hiked up around her waist to a photo booth where you could put on silly hats and boas and strike a pose. If she saw someone or some pose she liked, she sprint across the room, hold an empty picture frame up with her face in it and join the picture. I tell ya! A couple times I thought I'd be laid out on the floor from the near miss of sprinting back to the dance floor.

The music switched up too, to that hard primal beat that tipsy people find sexy. Here's a sample.


This was taken with a cell phone and the darkness and grainy images don't do it justice. It is hard to see the gyrations going on up on the dance floor, but they were having a grand old time of it. And me older two were getting rather interested, so TIME TO LEAVE!

The sober fella drove us over to the hotel. We had the groom's room key so we were told to take the children there to sleep along with me mam while Tonya and I sat in the lobby awaiting the elevator guy. It was an hour later that he showed up and turned out to be a rather good Joe. He did not charge us the threatened $450 as we thought he might after such a long drive. He really like Tonya, and it was obvious if she were single she'd have herself an instant date. Gees!


So gathering granny and the kiddo's we left for the long ride home. We would have stayed, but it had been me bright idea things would go well, no keys would have been chucked down a hole, the time would have been way earlier and we would be leaving before darkness set in. So at 6 a.m. I rolled into the abode with a car full of sleeping people, wishing to do nothing but collapse and wake up to find it was all a dream. Nope wasn't a dream.

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