Tonya and I were featured on Love or List It. Yes, we were thinking our abode was too small and we needed to move, at least that was Tonya who thought that. I was of the mind, that if we busted out the porch we could build an extra room there and we could live very happily. Somehow, we got on the show (I suspect me old neighbour turned our names in telling the show's producer that there was this nice young couple who he didn't want to see in divorce court over staying or leaving the cozy abode up in the woods).
Imagine me surprise as I be leaving me house for a cup of well needed joe with me wife following me out the door telling me in no uncertain terms the merits of house hunting, and me throwing over me shoulder the equal merits of staying put and building an addition, when there standing next to me motor is David Visentin and Hillary Farr watching us banter.
Both Tonya and I stopped our yammering as Hillary moved forward to shake me hand and say, "Gabe, I can make it so you will love your home." And then David extending his saying, "Gabe, believe me you will thank me when I find you a house that will fill all your needs and you will want to leave this hovel."
Next thing we are all sitting in me parked car in the front of me "hovel." Tonya and I in the backseat and David and Hillary in the front, all of us with a glass of wine.
"I can assure you Gabe, I can find you a home that meets your criteria guaranteed. You'll be saying LIST IT." David said to me.
"And I can assure you Gabe, I can make your home exactly what you want and you'll have Tonya here saying, I LOVE IT!" Hillary challenged.
"Now down to basics, what price range are we looking?" David asked Tonya.
"Uh . . . uh . . . lets say $250,000." Tonya said not sure.
"$250,000? Your house is worth $250,000 -- just," David said as if his feathers were ruffled, "you might as well stay. Have some more wine."
"Ok, $350,000," Tonya said taking a sip as I made a face like WHAT???
"And how much do I have to work with?" Hillary said all smiles to me.
"WHAT?" She near screamed at me. "David gets $350,000 and for renovation I get a measly $25,000? Now Gabriel if you want me to do all the things you have on this list," (list produced like Santa's role call of good and naughty children) "I can't possibly do it on that amount. Can you do better?"
I was embarrassed as the TV camera pushed in through the open window for a closeup of me face.
"Uh . . . $11,000 more." I squeaked shrugging me shoulders and making a "well I tried" face to the camera then took a healthy gulp of the wine.
"Still at $36,000 that doesn't give me much leeway. But I can guarantee you will have the nicest closet in town." Hillary said, pouring us more wine.
"Closet?" Tonya and I both croaked mid sip of wine.
"I can see the foundation is rotted out from here which means new joists and sills, and since we don't have the money to fix THAT, we can put a few rocks to bolster the foundation, and well we will have to move the toilet, sink and bathtub to make room for the closet, but unfortunately we won't have any money in the budget to fix the holes that will be left in the floor, OR to put in a small water closet to replace the bath we take out for the closet space. Add to that your roof is sagging and needs replacement. Can't do that either." Hillary explained to our incredulous looks.
"But . . . but we wanted an addition not all that other stuff." Tonya said in a little voice.
"No downstairs bathroom?" I muttered startled I'd be losing a bathroom and gaining a . . . closet!
"Well guys, you gave David a good figure and my budget is like miniscule. So yes, I have just enough to do the closet you wanted." Hillary said, in a no nonsense voice ignoring the question.
Tonya and I looked at each other mouthing the word 'closet' which we did want in the new addition that was to be an extra bedroom.
"What about the addition?" I piped up trying again one last time.
"No can do, not enough money in the budget YOU gave me." Hillary said adamantly. "But the closet will be out of this world."
"Ok we are out of here," I said as Tonya opened her side since mine was blocked by cameras and sound equipment. We rushed out as Hillary and David did the same in the front seat and chased us inside our abode. We got there first and locked the door. I cracked open a window and yelled we were done, they could pack it up and go home now. I drew the blinds shut all the windows and made sure the doors were locked.
"You know they were trying to get us to drink the wine so we'd be more accommodating with the budgets. Notice they never touched theirs?" Tonya said as I nodded, wow the tricksters those two were. I looked out the window and the Love Or List It crew were outside the abode for three days before they finally left, Hillary shouting last chance for that fabulous closet and holding up a bottle of wine and two glasses at us. But we were not budging. We were done, or so we thought. We had just opened the blinds and unlocked the doors when there was a knock at the front door.
I foolishly opened it find these two men as tall as meself and as skinny as meself smiling at me. One had on a business suit which reminded me of me when I go to work and the other was in a flannel shirt and jeans, which reminded me of me when I be home lazying around.
"Hi, I'm Drew Scott," the one in the business suit said extending his hand to me, "and this is my brother Jonathan. We are the Property Brothers and we heard of your dilemma and are here to help. I can show you homes in your neighbourhood that will maximise the space you want and my brother can renovate your home for sale."
I stood there with me jaw almost on the ground. Here we go again. Hells no, I thought but the wife pushed me from the doorway where she gushed over these two twinees as if I did not exist. Before I knew what was happening, Jonathan was inside me abode with a metal measuring tape saying things like, "This post is holding the entire house up, it needs to go. If I take that post down you will be able to see from one end of the house to the other . . . maybe."
"But what's going to hold up me house?" I stammered, but he ignored me and went to the back door and measured again.
"This door needs to go, if we put French doors in more natural light will come through and that's a perk for a potential buyer."
"Potential buyer?" I muttered confused.
Next thing I know I am being piled into the back of a car and driven to a mansion where Drew told us to come right in and take a look around. He explained the amenities of the house, indoor pool, marble floors, granite counter tops, wood panelling, gourmet kitchen, patio with outdoor kitchen, a hundred bathrooms, one for every room, a master bedroom with closets that could be bedrooms in their own right, views of mountains and perfectly landscaped yard. This could all be yours, we are told.
"How much," the wife drooled.
"$3.5 million," Drew said.
"We . . . we . . . don't have that kind of money," I choked out.
"Well, I can make your house look like THIS." Jonathan said with a big smile.
"You . . . you . . . can?" The wife looked adoringly at him, her hands in prayer pose.
"How . . . how . . . much?" I choked out again.
"How much you got?" Jonathan said and that was it for me.
"Tonya," I said aside in a whisper, "forget this lets just up and leave for Waco, Texas." I looked at her knowingly and she got it.
"Yes," she whispered back, "Joanna and Chip Gains. We can buy a broken down old fixer upper and Chip and Joanna can make it look like THIS." She gestured to our surroundings.
I cleared me throat and announced that there was a bald eagle flying around the back view did the Scott brothers see it? It was just magnificent.
"No," they said looking in that direction, and then walking over to what they called an infinity window to look more closely. That's when Tonya and I snuck out and ran, yes ran all the way home. We packed up the kiddos, me Mam and what we needed and are on our way to Waco to buy a piece of crap house so we can be on Fixer Upper.
Well, that was what I thought until I was rudely awakened by the wife asking me "WHO IS JOANNA? WHAT IS SHIPLAP? IS THAT HER LAST NAME?" I had been pleading with Joanna Gaines to fix up me fixer upper in me sleep. "Look at all the shiplap, pull-ese Joanna!" I pointed out to Joanna before I was shaken awake. I blinked realising I was in me new home, no fixer upper needed, what was I thinking, or more correctly dreaming? Yes, I had hotter than hell tacos last night and as you know THIS be what happens when spicy food influences me dreams.
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