19 August, 2015



DRIVING THE CAPTAIN'S CAR

15 August 2015

R. Linda:

Do you remember Wolfie's jaguar I drove from the dealership many years ago because he wasn't available to pick it up? You will never guess where that motor is now. I thought it was long gone but he sold it to his neighbour at the time, Captain Jack!

When the captain got new plates for it, he got plates that went along with his profession of Captain Jack impersonator. I won't reveal them (as I don't advertise on the blog) but they have to do with the ship the Black Pearl. The only thing I will give away be that his Maine plates have a light house on them to boot and I thought that pretty cool. Anyway, the Captain thought they were fun plates and I assume he has many stories to tell if he was dressed as the Captain and driving the car with the Pearl plates on it. AND, because he left his car at my abode and told us to use it if we liked, I now have a couple of stories to tell too.

To the beginning of how I got the car in the first place. The Captain had an engagement, a normal engagement. He was to host his friend's early retirement party dressed in regular clothes without the Captain Jack persona which I am sure made an appearance at the party in voice form and jokes. Because he was driving down with a friend to the Lowell Lawrence area, he did not want to take the Jag. His friend who lives on the Massachusetts border offered to drive instead, but he lives in Concord, Mass. and that is out of the way for the Captain, so they made arrangements to leave the car safely with me, being the in-between route convenient to both of them.

When the Captain arrived dressed like a modern person, I almost didn't recognise him. But me kiddos were convinced Johnny Depp was in out yard because that's who he looks like normally. SO he was kind enough to put the Captain persona on and entertain the kiddos and at the same time hand me his car keys and tell me if I had need of the "Pearl's services, just hoist her sails and go mate."

I assured him the Pearl was in safe harbour and I wouldn't need her but it was nice of him to offer. The friend had meanwhile pulled up the driveway (YES I HAVE ONE AT LONG LAST) and off they went leaving the Pearl parked gleaming in the driveway. On the back window of the Pearl there is a decal of a pirate ship and the boyos were all about it.


Here take a look:

Yar Captian! Who does that? Puts a decal on a Jaguar?

The Pearl stood docked most of the day by the side of the house, the boys out playing pirates not too far away and referring to the Pearl as they played different parts from all of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

It was around 1:30 when me wife took me Saturn to go shopping (her VW in the shop). Me Mam was in the kitchen making Irish shortbread when she ran out of caster sugar and some secret ingredient she would not tell me what. She does that. So I offered to run to the store to get her what she needed but because of the secret ingredient she informed me only she could go. The only car we had was -- you guessed it -- the Pearl.

"Now Mam," I said holding up the keys, "ye moost take a care this be THE Pearl and not me motor."

"Oh give me the keys!" She swiped them from me. "Of course I will take a caution, I know wot kind of motor dat is. Pearl me foot."

And off she went saying to me as she began pulling out, "A sailin' I be goin'". I really had no concerns she'd be careful, because unlike the Dragon-in-law me Mam can see.

So off she went, delicately and slowly down the DRIVEWAY (I love I can write that) and out of sight as the wee ones saluted her with their pirate swords.

When she returned she was laughing. I thought that odd, so I took her sack of groceries and followed her inside completely forgetting to peek in the sack to see what the secret ingredient was.

"What are ye laughin' at?" I asked.

"Oh Gabriel, it be a fun ting drivin' dat motor it be." She said unpacking and her Irish accent getting thick. "I wus standin' at the checkout and I luked oot da window and the motor wus parked directly in me view. Dere wus a ten year old boy and his Da pointing at the plates and da kiddo wus animated and worse, his Da wus all excited. I wus tinkin' uh oh, dey tink Captain Jack be goin' to coom oot and drive da motor. Wot a surprise ta see soom old lady gettin' inta it. I jus couldna do it ta em'. So, I waited in the doorway fur em' ta coom inside befur I went oot." She explained between giggles.

In all her concern about breaking the spell for the lad and his Da, she hadn't noticed the secret ingredient was missing.

"Ooh dey didn't pack it." Says she.

I offered to go get it just to have a whirl in the Jag. She gave me an "I doon knoo."

"Ah come on Ma, I promise not to give up the secret ingredient to anyone. Just be our secret." I promised.

"Welll . . . ok den. Git da green sprinkles, da sugar crystals."

"Green sprinkles? THATS the secret ingredient?"

It was so off taking the Pearl for a sail I was. I went feeling like a rich guy driving that vehicle. I was wondering if I looked like anyone famous that I could impersonate them and be able to afford a Jaguar, or a BMW, or a Mercedes even. But no, me face is me face so I told meself in the mirror to get over it and enjoy the ride while I could.

I forgot all about looking to see if anyone was admiring the Pearl when I came out of the grocery store. I was oblivious wondering how many appearances it took to afford a high class motor. But then I realised the car was not the Captain's originally it was the Wolf's. I knew how he could afford it and probably ten others, and was wondering why HE would buy a sporty Jag and not a Lamborghini. But then he has kiddos too, so yeah you can't take but one person with you in a Lamborghini. Oh well.

As I made me way gently on the back roads to me neck of the woods, I was just twenty yards from me DRIVEWAY entrance when I see about thirty bikers come from the other direction. I couldn't make me turn until they passed unless I gunned it and I wasn't about to risk the Pearl (not that I didn't think it would make it, it would but for the gravel hitting the sides). So I stopped with blinker on and waved them by.

The leader of the biker group, I large suntanned and shirtless individual, except for a leather biker vest pointed to me license plate and said something over his shoulder to the bunch behind them. They all looked and every single one raised their fist in salute as they passed by shouting "HAR!"

It took me by total surprised and I laughed so hard I almost choked meself. I have to sit down with the Captain one day and ask him what happens when HE be at the wheel dressed in costume. Must be a hoot.

Tonya, after hearing me Mam and my story told me to ask the Captain to lend me the Pearl for Halloween I could get away dressed up as Captain Jack and ride around to find out just what it must be like to sail the Pearl and look the part.

Gabe
Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

10 comments:

  1. I remember that car! Gabe, abso-bloody-lutely as me Da would say, dress up for a Halloween drive! Would be quite a trip, or sail as the case may be. Or, better yet drive the Captain around and see what happens. LOL
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  2. ROFLMAO forgot to count how many times you used DRIVEWAY! I thought wolf got rid of that c ar A captain in a jag? You need to take a picture with him behind the wheel. 
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    1. I DO have a picture of him driving it. I have to find it.
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  3. how cool would that be? a day in the life or how the other half lives? i'd dress up and do it.
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    1. You are so ON salad girl. You dress up, I'll drive LMAO
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    2. She doesn't have to be dressed as a salad, does she? 
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    3. A salad would be good. Just stick a pirate hat on it and she'd be good to sail, LOL.
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  4. I remember when he got that motor too!! Very nice. I dunno about dressing up as a pirate though driving it Gabe, will spoil the image for me lol
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  5. No one sails the Pearl without the Captain aboard matey. I'd be happy to come dressed the part, anchor in your DRIVEWAY, pick you up (only if you dress as Hook, mate) and take you for a sail around your harbor and let you experience first hand the overwhelming joy of being me!
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    1. You sound like the person that sold you the Pearl MATE, without the good hair. Full of ourselves are we? LMAO
      Delete

09 August, 2015

It Started Off Great, Then It Got Worse and Worse

09 August 2015

R. Linda:

Bachelor party - Done! Rehearsal dinner - DONE! Wedding - DONE! Gabe quite a bit lighter in the pockets - DONE! Dragon in New Jersey and Gabe in New Hampshire - DONE, DONE, DONE, DONE, DONE! Life resumes - DONE!

We came home last night to very chilly weather compared to Jersey. It feels like fall and the dog is acting like we were gone for months. The cats (yes we now have two) didn't notice our absence and if they did they certainly don't care we are home. Anyway, all kiddos and old woman accounted for. The wife is FINALLY basking in after-wedding glow and recaps it all like a sportscaster. She probably could do a better job than me, but then she'd remember a certain set of keys and well the story would end abruptly, AND it would be all my fault because I decided we should drive instead of fly, so here goes.

THE GETTING THERE:

We decided it might be good to let me mam fly down with Dragon and save us the howling baby syndrome on the plane. Our two older kiddos would be fine on a plane but the youngest . . . not so much. We could envision the plane being turned around with the news media having a field day, or worse the crew putting parachutes on us and dropping us out. He cannot sit still and he's started the terrible twos along with a high pitched screaming like a girl if he doesn't get what he wants. Yup safer for our sanity to drive. This way if he pitched a fit we could pull over and deal with it.

THE BACHELOR PARTY

As with all me adventures this one was not without its pitfalls or pratfalls as the case is much more likely to be when it comes to yours truly. So starting with the bachelor party -- There were like 20 of us to start off, but by the time we hit the brewery (yes, that is where we went) there were about 40 of us and it didn't end there. We were each given an unflattering t-shirt with the groom's face on it looking glum. The photo used, he has no clue where it came from, but there it was starting him in the face all night and everywhere. Can you imagine walking into places with all your friends wearing your face on their shirts? Awesome! LOL

We went to a microbrewery and were given samples (hefty ones) and told the art of beer brewing. We even saw where the brewery also extended into their own mini-vodka distillery and yes we got a taste of each strange brew so we were well on our way to inebriation. When done with the hour tour we got into a limo (because who could drive?) and off to about thirty pubs. It was probably more than that but after the first ten you lose count. Each pub had FOOD so at least we weren't all drifting through the alcohol haze on the equivalent of petrol in our guts.

The jokes and practical ones, got more raunchy as the night went on and we ended up at some club with throbbing bass and percussion permeating the entire block. Lots of hoots and drinking, drinking and dancing, joking and drinking, and general drinking mayhem. The groom got the usual call (that all grooms do) that comes in the wee hours from his bride to be, "Where are you? My bridal party was over at eleven, it's 2:30 in the morning. I'm all alone, when are you coming home?" and then, "Do I hear women laughing? What's going on, where ARE YOU?"

Shortly after THAT with a lot of man giggling (not pretty) by those listening to the bride on speaker phone (which she didn't know she was) we knew enough to end the ribald merriment and break up the good time of which very few of us could remember the next day. The only thing we had that perplexed each one, was one hell of a slamming hangover. Where did that come from I wonder?

THE REHEARSAL DINNER

With a few hours to recover, the next night we were off to rehearsal dinner. The restaurant was an Italian number as I am finding they usually are for rehearsal dinners. Instead of having designated tables (which had the Dragon lady all a-fluster) we were told to sit where we wanted. This, as you can imagine established chaos right away. Part of the family was at one end of the room and shouting at the other from what seemed miles away. It was not only family and wedding party, but a few close friends and extended family, making for quite a loud crowd. Hey, but its Jersey they talk or tawk loud.

We were in a backroom but the bar was just outside the door so all that elegant wine being served was soon interspersed with beer and mixed drinks. The duty of the groom in these situations is to drink himself into courage for the next day to brace himself to take that walk down the aisle and say those "I do's." THIS is at least what all his groomsmen told him, so they had him pretty much in his cups before the main entree arrived. The bride didn't seem to notice because "her people" as she called her bridal party were all about her. Poor thing, wait until she sees those photos of her and her beloved, her looking all smiles, perky and excited and him, all bloodshot eyes, drunken demeanour and tongue lolling out as he fought to stay conscious.

The dinner went without a hitch somehow and that left the wedding the next day. All was going too smooth not have a monkey wrench thrown in there somewhere and it was coming!

THE WEDDING

Wedding day was bright and beautiful, the sea air was refreshing, everyone jovial and then the hectic getting ready set in and all stayed that way until the ceremony itself. We went to the hotel where the bridal party had suites on both sides of the building to keep the couple from seeing each other on their big day. I had dropped Tonya and me youngest off at the brides side and everything there was happy, happy, giggles, whispers, and general excitement. The other two kiddos were with me Mam and not part of the wedding, but wee man was a ring bearer for the ceremony. I noticed the ladies had a table with cheese, crackers, wine, pastries, etc., and no one was partaking because "I need to fit into my dress," the general excuse. I was invited to have a glass of wine before I left, they gave me a napkin of cheeses and assorted crackers and I was happy to be on me way.

On the other side of the building, the groomsmen where in quiet conversations nursing yet again, hangovers and generally it felt subdued over there. The occasional boisterous buddy would turn up to wish them well to a chorus of hushing, heads hurt. I tell ya! Men right? LOL. I was good, I had me wine which they were all asking me why I got special favours from the bride and not them. I told them I was better looking than all of them and that was why and besides she liked me best.

There was crisps of sorts, dips, and beer in our section, so it wasn't like we had nothing. It was the bride and grooms choice of complimentary munchies they wanted before the ceremony. By the time we had to go to the venue, most of those munchies on our side (at least) were reduced to crumbs.

Before we left I was asked to deliver a message to the bridesmaids (since I was reminded they liked me best) and I met the bridal party coming down the elevator. As soon as the doors opened I knew some catastrophe had struck. The faces were all concerned and me wife's most of all!

SIDE STORY

Before I tell you what happened, let me remind you that our youngest has an alter-ego named Georgie. I don't know if I ever told you the story of Georgie, but if I have I will just refresh your memory. When I was small, me cousin George (who was a year or two younger) was this towheaded, cute as a button little man. To look at him you'd almost think you could hear a chorus of angels singing, he was that adorable. Only thing was George, or Georgie as we called him, was anything but angelic. He was a demon in disguise. Tell him he's a cutie and he'll kick you in the shins. Tell him he has the best smile and he'll spit at you. Yes, cousin George was quite the kiddo.

At the ripe old age of ten, he decided life on the rails was probably more his style and so while at play with a few neighbour boys, he dropped everything and started walking down the railroad line until he found a train that was standing still, hopped in and took a free ride five towns down the line. As you can imagine, once it was discerned cousin George was missing, everyone was in a muck sweat looking for him before one of his fellows gave up reluctantly that Georgie left to live the life of a hobo! Oh my, his mother near swooning, his father saying something about a switch being too good to use "on that lad!" and me standing there with me sissy thinking that Georgie never did that did he? Well, of course he did it was Georgie after all.

He was found by the constables he was. He was given a good talking to I heard, but through it all George sat in the constabulary, arms crossed against his chest, legs swinging back and forth with a mischievous (or as I think was more the case, demonic) smile on his cutie pie face. It wasn't a few years later cousin George was shipped off to the equivalent of military school to learn some discipline and control. I don't know if that worked, I lost track of George in me teenage years, but whenever a small child in me immediate family starts acting bad, we wonder if the Georgie gene be in them. In me son's case, I be pretty convinced it is. That same wicked grin comes over his features, his eyes have a strange evil light that shines through slits and knowing he knows perfectly well not to do something he does it anyway and then laughs. Yup he does.

BACK TO THE WEDDING

So back to the elevator with all the pretty ladies and the bride all decked out for the nuptials. There in front was me lad, dressed in his little grey double breasted suit with super hero cape, his face a huge sunny smile of wickedness, as he stood legs apart, and one hand pointing down the hole of the elevator shaft. The little demon had been acting the maggot as he had no nap and to distract him, Tonya had given him our house and car keys. Well, perfect set up -- keys, hole and Georgie. He threw them down the shaft with glee and no one could stop them. Tonya said it was like slow motion she watched them fall and she couldn't grab them before they left sight three stories up to the bottom of the shaft.

These were the keys we needed to get into our home once we returned, BUT more importantly these were the keys to our car we needed to drive to the venue, 15 minutes away. Tonya was in charge of bringing three young boys down the aisle, so she wasn't part of the bridesmaids, so we were driving with the wee one to the venue. While the bride and her retinue went to the limo, we were using our phone flashlights down the shaft trying to see if we could see the keys. We could, they were down in the box below the elevator. People were waiting to go up while we did this so we had quite the crowd around us offering all kinds of useless suggestions.

The desk was no help, it was like so what. I asked them if they had a key to the box below, no they didn't the elevator company did and being a weekend we'd have to wait until Monday. Oh no, the wife went ballistic and they got quite the finger shaking, head shaking and sharp tongue Tonya be more than capable of when upset. The desk sent for someone to come help us. This turned out to be an older woman in a janitorial uniform who told us basically there was nothing she could do.

GREAT! Meanwhile, the limo we were supposed to follow had left! The wee one was screaming like a girl at the top of his lungs, knowing he did wrong, but as he always does when he knows he's been bad he stands there and screeches until blood drips from me ears. I tell ya!

Tonya got into a panic -- keys gone, no way to go to venue, limo gone, no directions.

The groomsmen came down after a time and I told one of them what happened not wanting to upset the groom on his day. He lent me his car to get to the venue which was very nice it had a car seat so we were legal to go. Meanwhile, their limo pulled up and the desk had the elevator people on the phone and they wanted Tonya to talk to them BECAUSE the one worker who was nearest was in Trenton and he had been at a weekend party and was too drunk to drive. The only other one was up in Lancaster, Pennsylvania (for all intents and purposes a million miles away and in another state). And he, didn't want to drive all that way to the Jersey shore.

The desk told me IF he did get himself to the hotel it wasn't going to be until very late and there was a charge of $450 to retrieve the keys. Oi! They also said they couldn't book us a room to stay the night as they had none, all hotels were filled this time of year. GREAT, we were pretty much stranded. Everyone had booked rooms for the night knowing ahead they'd be drinking. We did not, because I had the bright idea we could leave early enough we had time to drive home without being tired. Yea, bright idea -- me!

Tonya finally got the elevator guy to say he'd head out but it was going to take him awhile to get there. As we headed out I had no clue what the car I was driving was or where it was parked. This set Tonya into hyper annoyance and now directed at me! I used the panic button to find the car, got "Georgie" in the car seat and took off for the light and the direction I had seen the limo turn.

"Call one of your brothers and get directions," I told Tonya.

Reception was sketchy. We had a few calls and a few wrong turns but we finally got there. Tonya was red in the face, totally humiliated, the young one, acting like nothing happened, and me just trying to keep the wife from falling apart.

"I'm not sure this guy is even coming," she moaned.

"Lets get through the ceremony and then we'll discuss it." I told her.

"How can I? I just want this day over!" She whined.

If you think it got any better, it didn't.

So the wedding ceremony.

I left Tonya to take me place in the front row. The procession started, groom, best man, groomsmen all front and centre to where their friend (a justice of the peace) was waiting under a white rose arbour. The ocean right up to the window of the room, seagulls in flight, sunny beautiful day outside.

Music cued, and down the aisle came all twenty three bridesmaids (I am sure it wasn't that number just seemed like a huge wedding party). I neglected to tell you there was no maid of honour, it was man of honour, the bride being close to her brother, he was her choice, so pretty different. Then the wife with three wee laddies all under the age of two. She carried the one year old, the other two (me lad included) were at her side. But having no hands available they were LOOSE.

They all three sported capes with their first initial on the back as little super hero's which was the theme of the wedding. The groom had proposed to his bride with a Darth Vader ring since the engagement ring was still being sized and he wanted to propose while he had the nerve, thus the super hero theme. I should mention the grooms and groomsmen roses in their lapels were attached to each with a different Star Wars action figure.

Anyway, the two kiddos realising they were free from their designated adult, took off down the aisle in all directions. Poor Tonya! She was near tripping over her gown looking to the right, then the left, then behind her, and she was flummoxed what to do. The one loose laddie had his arms out in front of him like Superman and made like he was flying (cute actually), and mine was stopping at each aisle seat looking at the occupant with a wicked smile on his face, pointing and saying, "WHO DAT?" I was thinking I'd be going after him and knowing him as I do, having to drag a screeching little man to me seat. But at the last minute he walked up to me and I was able to gather him in me lap to keep him still. Superman, meantime was caught by his mam on the other side of the aisle so we were good . . . for the moment.

Tonya handed off the one year old to his mam and took her place with me, the kiddos, me mam and her mam and da. Her brothers and sisters and their kids and significant others were behind us. We were in the front row because Tonya had a reading yet to get through.

The bride's music cued us all to stand and the most wonderful thing happened, Darth Vader's March was played. We all got a well needed laugh, and I was almost envisioning the bride dressed in a Darth Vader helmet and a black dress coming down the aisle, but she didn't go that far. The music ran right into Vivaldi's Four Seasons and there she was looking stunning.

Tony's reading went well but in the middle of it our wee Georgie wanted to join her. I caught him and he proceeded to lie on the floor and I was bracing meself for him to start screaming and kicking but instead he was lying there pointing at the groomsmen above him and asking, "Who dat?" I tell ya!

The bride and groom had their kiss and as they did two hand gliders came drifting past the windows! Was a perfect end to the super hero theme.

THE PHOTO SESSION

I mistakenly thought we were good. Crisis near over, but not to be. Tonya phoned the hotel as we went to the beach for photos. Nothing was different, keys were still in shaft and elevator worker was still in Pennsy. She lost the rhinestone ornament on her silver shoes in the sand so she had one glittery shoe and one not in all the pictures. We couldn't find the thing. Then "Georgie" had enough of the cape and ripped it off before his pictures. There was a quick fix by one of the bridesmaid so the bride didn't know. We got through THAT and he decided to take off his shoes so he could walk in the sand. He screamed bloody murder when we tried to get the shoes back on which caused a lot of onlookers to stop to see how we were killing the kid. I tell ya, he be in all HIS pictures as the barefoot one.

RECEPTION

We went up to the reception and since young "Georgie" didn't want anymore elevators (a view shared by his mam), we took the four flights of stairs where at the top me mam thought she was having a heart attack. No chairs at the top but way across the room. I thought I was going to have to carry her and here we'd be making another scene. I tell ya! Somehow I got her across the room while Georgie took off to point at a maintenance man who was latching a window, as Tonya found me mam's table. At the top of his wee lungs he was shouting, "WHO DAT?" We seated me mam quickly, got her some water, and tried to make it so no one knew at her request she was unwell. Getting her situated, Tonya went into the bridal suite provided for the wedding party and ripped the hotel a new one as I ran after the wayward youngest, the other two with their uncle safe and sound.

Tonya rang up the elevator guy and I guess the tears and whining along with the threats and harassment finally got him off his behind and on his way. Why the hotel had no key I have no clue but I wondered what else they'd find in that shaft box.

Meanwhile, I had caught up with the wee monster and him kicking and struggling I took him to the table awaiting the babysitter to come fetch him.

Each table had a name and in a rolled scroll at each place setting was a funny story about either the bride or the groom that led to the naming of the table. Ours was named Lobster Bisque, and the story was about the groom who went out into knee deep water in the ocean to see if he could see a shark. He spent most of the noon hour there and for his trouble, ended up with sun poisoning. I was glad I wasn't the only idiot who did stuff like that.

Dinner went mostly without incident except me wife was missing most of it locked up in the bridal suite on the phone with either the elevator guy or the hotel. She came back at one point to inform me we were stuck at the hotel until probably 3 a.m. Which meant that as soon as the special dances were out of the way and the cake was cut, we'd be subject to our youngest having tantrums from being overly tired and not having had his afternoon nap. I could see us in a hotel lobby with THAT going on. She knew it too and was very near tears, actually she was in tears. Just the thought of THAT was worse than keys being down an elevator shaft without a key!

When it was time for me to go get said child who was downstairs and bring him up, he would not enter the elevator. I think he never will again. We had to watch couples leaving, kids going and us staying with three underage kiddos, one a typhoon all on his own and the other two tired and starting the "When are we leaving," routine. Oh yeah fun.

I will say relatives and people we did not know occupied all three for us here and there, but the thought of waiting in a lobby later was hanging heavily over us. Then we realised we had no way back to the hotel. Hell we couldn't remember where the hotel was. Oi, oi, oi!

I was able to make arrangements with the only sober male in the reception, a teetotaller, who was very nice to drive us back to the hotel. But that was after the raunch started. I have never been able to stay at a wedding to its conclusion because usually if the bride and groom leave, then everyone sort of does in good time, but if they stay and are party animals like these two, well there is a whole new atmosphere that settles in and a certain bunch that stay for the fun.

The bride was literally running shoeless with her skirts hiked up around her waist to a photo booth where you could put on silly hats and boas and strike a pose. If she saw someone or some pose she liked, she sprint across the room, hold an empty picture frame up with her face in it and join the picture. I tell ya! A couple times I thought I'd be laid out on the floor from the near miss of sprinting back to the dance floor.

The music switched up too, to that hard primal beat that tipsy people find sexy. Here's a sample.

video


This was taken with a cell phone and the darkness and grainy images don't do it justice. It is hard to see the gyrations going on up on the dance floor, but they were having a grand old time of it. And me older two were getting rather interested, so TIME TO LEAVE!

The sober fella drove us over to the hotel. We had the groom's room key so we were told to take the children there to sleep along with me mam while Tonya and I sat in the lobby awaiting the elevator guy. It was an hour later that he showed up and turned out to be a rather good Joe. He did not charge us the threatened $450 as we thought he might after such a long drive. He really like Tonya, and it was obvious if she were single she'd have herself an instant date. Gees!

DRIVE HOME

So gathering granny and the kiddo's we left for the long ride home. We would have stayed, but it had been me bright idea things would go well, no keys would have been chucked down a hole, the time would have been way earlier and we would be leaving before darkness set in. So at 6 a.m. I rolled into the abode with a car full of sleeping people, wishing to do nothing but collapse and wake up to find it was all a dream. Nope wasn't a dream.

Gabe
Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

01 August, 2015

Here ya go -- now you'll know why I be the way I be

01 August 2015

R. Linda:

Happy day for me, Tony is flying into Newark Airport from his sojourn in Japan and guess who else is flying there? Yes, the Dragon lady! I be so pleased I cannot verbalise it. FINALLY! Only problem is we be flying into Newark too, because of the upcoming wedding. BUT the good news will be (hopefully) we be flying out afterwards without the Dragon.

I be optimistic here R. Linda, or at least trying to think positively and envision only us flying home. I have me fingers, legs, toes and even me eyes crossed that this will be the case. The only negative I have run up against is me grey-haired apple cheeked wee mam not wanting to be on a plane while Poldark is on. She just can't miss an episode, though I have reassured her it be on during the week, OR we could tape it. She said she wants to see it while it is "fresh," whatever that means.

Speaking of me mam, I have this nagging idea in me head to leave her in Jersey, accidentally on purpose. She be driving me up a pole she is.

I get conversations first thing in the morning like this:

Dragon (the mother of 6) asking me mam: "Were you planning on just two children?"

Me Mam (giving the answer some bit of thought):  "Uh . . . we wanted one we did, but then along came sonny boy here."

Dragon (under her breath but loud enough for me to hear): "Oh he was a mistake, I thought so."

Me Mam (thinking fast because I was standing there): "Nooo he was an accident."

Like that made it better, I tell ya!

Me (reacting): "I be having a little bother at that."

Dragon (with a smile on her face she couldn't hide): "You look tense, Gabriel."

Me: "Do I? Right.

Me Mam: "You have da look of a man who needs a good cuppa tea!"

Me: "That was bloody awful, am I right?" I asked Tonya who came in with a boyo under her arm.

Tonya: "What?"

Me Mam: "Oooh nutin' Gabriel be over reactin' to a bit of gab me an yer mam be havin' that be all. Here be yer tea Gabe."

And she sets this soup bowl with a handle in front of me as if that will soothe me feelings.

It be the one in front -- this to placate me feelings, uh huh.
Then, like this conversation had never taken place she says to me, "Did ye make yer bed befur ye came ta da breakfast table?"

What am I 10? I looked up at her with a sip of the hot tea in me gob and shook me head at her.

"Well, I brought ya oop well and good, so when yer finished yer breakie, you go in dere and first make yer bed an den brush yer teeth."

I wasn't shaking me head no, I was shaking me head like I didn't know about her, and she should stop now, but that was ignored.

Okay so my wife who be usually in a daze until her tenth cup of coffee in the morning was silently laughing at me. Dragon was looking at me amused as well, and the old woman (which is what I refer to the spouter of such juvenile nonsense) was bustling along with making rashers and eggs with her back to me.

Just so you know, I don't get coffee first thing like I be used to. I get TEA because I be reminded on a constant basis, I be IRISH and was never served the darker liquid and it isn't as good for me "system" as Irish breakfast tea. I steal cups of coffee when she isn't looking, how sad is that?

I tell ya!

At the end of breakfast, and just to be a prat, I stood up and announced I was on me way to make me bed and brush me teeth.

"See I raised him good." The old woman declared.

I'd like to say this went on when we all first started living together and tapered off, but that isn't true, it goes on constantly.

"Gabriel, did ya wipe yer big feet befur ya came in? Gabriel, don't forgit a jumper you'll catch a chill out dere. Gabriel, how many times do I have to tell ya no elbows on da table. Gabriel set yer napkin on yer lap where it belongs, da table don't care if it has crumbs on it. Gabriel, take out da trash bin, overflow be not a science experiment. Gabriel, close da door behind yersel, ye don't live in a barn. Gabriel, go back and run a coomb though that hair ya look a fright. Gabriel, pick oop yer socks, do ya tink dey pick demselves oop? Gabriel, dats enuff cobler, ye'll give yersel worms! Gabriel, eat yer Brussel sprouts dey be good fer da blood. Gabriel, I did not ask who poot it dere, I asked you to pick it up!" And the list goes on.

Even Tonya isn't immune because her mother also harps on her, mainly on how she disciplines or doesn't our children. While we have one mother temporarily, we have the other permanently. So the bet between Ton and meself be no bet really, we know I will be in the looney bin first. There ya go!

Gabe
Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

28 July, 2015

Dress Shopping With The Dragon Lady

30 July 2015

R. Linda:

So here's the thing, the youngest of Tonya's brothers is getting married. And of course, there has been quite a bit of hoopla going on with Tonya's side of the family. Everyone be very happy the last one is getting hitched to a nice young woman. Well, everyone that is but mother Dragon, who is more interested in what on earth she is going to wear. Let me tell ya, it's been a trip listening to the Dragon lady complain about colours, sizes, styles, sizes, length, sizes, fabric, sizes . . .

Yes, there is a problem with size. So here we go, Tonya has been driven quite a bit mad by her mother's not being able to find THE DRESS. After all, this is mother of the groom and well we must present our self looking fabulous or not at all. I actually overheard her talking about not going to the wedding. I was like what? Not going to your last unmarried child's wedding? WHAT?

Yeah like I care that much. Anyway, somehow, as it always happens, I got stuck going dress shopping with me dragon-in-law. Yes, I did and I lived to tell about it! No easy feat let me tell ya that and the outing was more than once, I deserve a medal. The excuse was from me wife, I should go to give a man's opinion because a daughters, well, a daughter is too close to the dress buying person. Yeah right and Tonya had been out with mommy dearest several times and was driven near crazy for the experience, so she was done was what she was saying, but not saying, if you know what I mean.

Let me tell you I thought we would be going to the mall. Well, no we can't go to a mall and buy a dress off the rack! No indeed, we need to go to an exclusive bridal store and buy one that can be ordered. I should have known that, instead I had the nerve once she was buckled in me Saturn and I asked the stupid question of which mall were we going, of nearly getting me head bit off and then a talking to on bridal wear. Oi!

As I put the motor in gear and headed out I grumbled to meself, "no Macys for HER!"

We were going to Nashua which is like two hours away from where I live, or I should say were WE live since Dragon still be living with me. SIGH! On our way we hit a small bustling town and there was a bridal shop and I didn't stop because I didn't see it, but the half blind Dragon did and had me pull a U Turn in the middle of a busy highway to go back.

Once I managed to get us turned around without causing an accident, we got out and in the window of this rather small establishment were assorted bridal dresses and lots of purple bridesmaid dresses, which I assume must be the popular colour for those unfortunate woman who hate purple, but Bridezillas insist they wear it. So in we go, and on one side is this jumble of dress racks upon dress racks filled with the young and beautiful figured women's dresses and on the other side . . . not so much, but the old lady section for the mother of the bride or groom. Oh yeah, I knew right off we weren't going there, but that's what the young thing who came running up to Dragon did, she caught her by the elbow and guided her over to the over 40 dresses. Size 16, size 18 and up!

Most of the old lady section was full of silver, gunmetal grey and black sequined numbers that were anything but attractive. NO BLACK, SILVER OR GREY! That was what was shouted at the young thing, who then had a terrible time finding something that wasn't that colour. Lots of what is called champagne, which is almost a nude colour in the Dragon's opinion and not to be worn. Navy, which was disguised as sapphire blue was considered too dark, and then burgundy, too near purple.

"I wouldn't be caught dead in purple." Said Dragon.

I was curious, as the young thing went in the back to see if there were any new arrivals. I asked the Dragon what colours were the wedding party wearing.

"Purple! In varying shades and styles! Can you imagine? They will all look like grapes!" She said annoyed.

"And the groomsmen?" I croaked.

"Shades of gray with salmon bow ties and purple cummerbunds. Yesh! All colour blind, every single one of them!" She near hollered.

I knew then to keep me gob shut and just stand there hoping she'd forget about me.

Well, the girl came back with a 'maroon' dress that had several tiers. I could see the Dragon's nose go high in the air, and knew instantly this would not go over big.

"THAT my dear is RED!" Dragon pointed out.

"Oh no, no, it is maroon, see here on the label, Maroon Dream."

Well, she tried it on and declared she was too fat, it was a fat dress, it didn't slim her, it make her look 20 pounds heavier.

'Gabriel, do I look fat in this?"
I knew not to answer but say instead, "NO, you look wonderful in it." Or something like that to which she called me a liar who needed to see an optometrist. I thought it was red too and not maroon, but said nothing but this, "You will be noticed over the bride."

She stopped and stared in the mirror contemplating that gem.

That ended the shopping trip for the day. She found nothing she liked so after two days of complaining about it, she decided to get a dress made. Nothing like waiting until the last moment.

"I know a woman who tailors and probably could make you something in time." Tonya said.

Well, this seamstress turns out to be the woman from the Chinese restaurant in town. Mr. Dennis Chang's wife Lijuan Chang. No, Dennis isn't the man's given name it is Kang, but I guess Kang Chang sounds funny to the American ear so he changed it to Dennis. His wife calls herself Lily because she said Americans butcher her pretty name so badly with their tin ears not able to comprehend the rhythm of her name so, she just couldn't take it anymore, and Lily it be.

Lily came over with fabric samples and measuring tape, tailors chalk, and designs. At first Dragon looked unsure and I overheard her tell Tonya she didn't want a kimono, but a dress. Tonya told her to stop it the woman did all kinds of dress making and if she should change her mind she probably could make her an arse kicking kimono. Oi Tonya!

So a dusty rose colour was selected, satin with lace overlay. Um hum. Jacket to cover larger upper arms. Um hum. Fitted under the bodice to give appearance of youthful uplift. Um hum. Tucked in slightly at waist to make it look like Dragon had one. Um hum. To the floor to cover those knees with all the dimples. Um hum. Finally, a lacy overlay beyond the satin for panache. Um hum.

I could hear this while I tried to read the newspaper. I sat there laughing to meself but was soon called in to look at the fabric and the dress design. Why I want to know did they need me? A man's opinion I was told. Like my sorry opinion would matter to of all people, the Dragon lady. Well, it was all very nice I suppose. I know nothing of these matters and not being suicidal I muttered all the affirmatives like I was Ralph Lauren.

I went back to the living room to resume me newspaper reading. But it was hard to concentrate because I could overhear Mrs. Chang and I had all I could do to keep from fits of laughter.

"You measure straight up and down like small oriental lady." Lily Chang said to Dragon. "You one inch difference from straight line."

"I am not oriental as you can see. Can we just get on with it?" Dragon said her voice tinged with annoyance.

"You need tell me what shoe you wear so I know length." Mrs. Chang said.

"I don't know I have to get shoes for this dress. But I would guess they will have a one inch heel if that helps you."

"Shì de! So 50" from here to ground. Lace overlay be two inch between dress hem and top of toe of shoe. Ok?" Mrs. Chang asked.

"I guess. You know the dress design better than I." Dragon answered thinking Mrs. Chang had cursed about the dress length. But I knew better it wasn't shite, it was YES in Chinese. Me knowing this thanks to Ms. Jaio.

Then silence for a few minutes when Mrs. Chang says to herself, "Oh can't be right."

I turned to see what wasn't right and it was sleeve measurements.

"You have long arms like hóuzi."

"Like what?" Dragon asked.

"Never mind it." Mrs. Chang must have realised that what she was comparing arm length in Dragon to, would be considered a racial slur if she said the English word for it. I knew what she said because (once again) of Ms. Jaio. She was saying Dragon had long monkey arms. Yes, but Dragon thought she was referring to bigger arm holes, and was looking at her upper arms in consternation.

"Are you thinking I need bigger arm holes?" Dragon asked perplexed.

"Oh no, no I make so jacket fit good, ok?" Mrs. Chang's face was red.

Before that got out of hand I came back and suggested sequins on the jacket as if I knew what I was talking about, just to take the pressure off Mrs. Chang.

"Sequins no problem." Mrs. Chang said with a tentative smile at Dragon.

"Oh plenty of those along the bodice and maybe on the jacket lapels." Dragon said looking at me like I wasn't clear on lapels, gees.

I was pleased I managed to change the subject. So that was basically it. Dress ordered, promised to be here by 28 July for fitting. No fittings needed in-between (which had Dragon wondering why not).

"Oh mother, trust her, I've seen what she makes for herself and everything is lovely." Tonya tried to reassure the less than trusting Dragon.

So 28 July came and so did dress delivered by Mrs. Wang all smiles. Dragon looking askance as usual like something won't be right. Tonya all pleased the dress was done in time for any alterations that may be needed (none were). Me, relieved I didn't have to venture out with that woman one more time.

Well, we came close R. Linda, yes we did. We almost had the perfect dress. It was well made, better than anything at the bridal shop or for that matter, Macys. It fits beautifully and is very flattering BUT for one thing, it isn't dusty rose, its PEACH!



How this happened no one knew but then Mrs. Wang's brain exploded as she remembered she asked Dragon if she would like a colour to represent the groom's side of the family and that would be salmon. And Dragon at first had said yes, but the colour swatch was peach not salmon so she instead selected dusty rose. But in Mrs. Wang's frustration with the sizing of the Dragon, she lost all memory of dusty rose and went for the peach! Oi, oi, oi.

But it isn't over yet. Tonya convinced her mother it was a striking dress, please try it on and see if it was not. Reluctantly, Dragon took it to the other room to try on while Mrs. Chang and meself bit our fingernails. It took her an overly long time to get into the strapless number. Mrs. Change went in to help because Dragon shouted there was no zipper, what are all these laces? Seems Mrs. Chang thought it best to make corset like lace up number in the back to save Dragon broken zipper and for adjustment after she feasted on wedding cake. I tell ya, that little thoughtful addition was not appreciate at the time.

I got so worked up at listening to Dragon complaining and poor Mrs. Chang trying to reassure her, that me stomach got a bit on the dickey side. When noticed I was holding me tum, the wife asked what was wrong. I admitted this dress thing with her mother had got to me and Mrs. Chang being such a sweet person, it was like sending in a baby chick to a python.

Dragon couldn't hear my words only the whining tone of my voice and shouted the question what was wrong thinking we were discussing the dress. I tell ya, the woman! Tonya shouted I had an upset stomach and Dragon shouted back for her to get me a mint from her purse that that would help quell the upset.

So Tonya got the tin of Altoids from Dragon's purse and when I saw Altoids I was thinking they be strong and not going to help, BUT Tonya insisted so I popped one in me mouth.

Meanwhile, out came Dragon and Mrs. Chang. The dress was beautiful. It looked better than anything she had tried on and the colour looked great on her. All was forgiven, Mrs. Chang went home pleased and a bit wealthier than when she came in.

As for me, I was decidedly sick. I could not understand that now that the upset was over, why me sensitive tum was feeling worse than before.

"Tonya, give him another Altoids." The Dragon said as she left to get out of her dress.

"I need to help you out of those laces," Tonya said following her mother, "Gabe, the Altoids are right there by her purse on the table."

I went over and looked at the tin, really not wanting another of the overpowering mints. But then something caught me eye.

THIS:

Notice the date, un huh.
Now I be really grovelling on the floor sick. Was it the outdated Altoids, or just me coming down with a bug? I blame it on the Dragon, that horrible woman who I swear is looking to do me in!

Gabe
Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

05 July, 2015

Boston Last Night

05 July 2015

R. Linda:

A few shots from Boston Fireworks. Sorry about the watermarking.








Gabe
Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

02 July, 2015

Where is HODOR??? And where was Ghost when Jon Snow needed him?

03 July 2015

R. Linda:

It has taken me somewhat to get over the shock. But here goes.

We had got the popcorn and were getting all settled for a Game of Thrones finale and instead got the shock of our lives. We watched as Jon Snow rushed downstairs and got a funny feeling as he did, and then it happened -- and WOW we were gutted!

Not long ago Game of Thrones had its season finale and those of you who I have a GOT Tweet with blew the water cooler chat off the charts. Like most brain dead I was totally not expecting Jon Snow to bite the . . . snow! But I be in that small percentage of people who have not read the books and understand from one of them, they knew the demise was coming and had been waiting four years for it to happen. Who knew?

Apparently not Tonya, who turned to me while we were watching it and said, "WHAT just happened?" and she grabbed the remote and went madly clicking back.

"It is all a dream Tonya." Dragon said to her and of course she would she's stuck in Dallas.

I was told to watch that scene over and over and over to see Jon's eyes begin to turn from brownish green to purple. I thought I saw something but I cannot be sure it wasn't from suggestion that something happened, or that the white "snow" reflection made the change if there was one. He croaked out "ghost" which at first I thought he meant himself he was seeing as a ghost or maybe he was threatening to come back as one, then it dawned on me he meant the white wolf. So by now I be feeling just a little more brain dead than before.

The wife was going around saying to the air, "What's the point of watching Thrones NOW?" And me Mam, "Who knew?" Indeed.

"They aren't real people for bejayus sake." I said to them. "It isn't the end of the world, the Baratheons are all gone! That's good news. One family down and how many to go?"

"Get rid of the rest of the Starks and the Lannisters are good to go. Forget the Boltons and Targaryens." Dragon said.

"How do you even know all that and the names?" I asked her stunned.

Anyway back to the non water cooler chat that be here off the blog record from me Tweeter account. Me cohorts in chat are Tom W, Weasil, and Robbie along with Maureen from work (the only true water cooler chatterer of the group). I have nothing else to write about so this is it, LOL.

Robbie: "Will Jon be back do ya think?"

Maureen: "His alter ego Kit says no but then why on earth is the Red Woman at the Wall if not to do another resurrection act? It worked the first time she did it, so why not on Jonny boy?"

Meself: "Well, I be over it, if Jon comes back the season after next you can say you heard it here first, and if he doesn't then you can consider me further down the brain dead scale."

Tom W: "It had bothered me that the Red Woman rode to the Wall. What for I was wondering. No one there liked her and well Stannis was too busy to go after her."

This had me flapping me lips when I was watching at home with Tonya telling me to put a lid on it. I be saying right now, in me house I take ownership of the Red Woman returning to bring Jon Snow back! Out on a limb? Certainly but this show brings people back from the dead as either White Walkers or Frankenstein monsters, or dead Baratheons, she did it once, she can do it again.

Tom W: "I wouldn't want to be a Wildling at the Wall with Jon gone."

Weasil: "Hell I wouldn't wanna be Olly either if Jon IS back from da land o' da dead!"

Tom W: "Olly has anger issues, you think?"

Weasil: "Yuppers he needs anger management like yesterday."

Meanwhile, back at the cooler Maureen was all about Daenerys being in horsey jail.

Maureen: "Yup there is Daenerys Targaryen and that worn out and grumpy dragon who has a penchant for Dothraki horse flesh. I be assuming the Dothraki saw that gluttonous dragon eating their horses and now are about to tell Daenerys how upset they are with her and her dragon."

Meself: "But wait she threw off her ring sensing trouble, and that is certainly a talisman for Jorah and Daario to pick up and you know they're coming to the rescue."

Tom W: "BUT think about it - a  ring thrown out in the middle of a wild field would be an easy find? Come on!"

Maureen: "Oh give it a chance it will be sparkling in the sun and they can't help but find it."

Tom W: "O-K."

At home, Tonya hadn't given that a thought, she was all about the Dragon getting hungry again and she should know she's my Daenerys and one of her dragons live with us!

Tonya: "Speaking of dragons, anyone know if the two locked underground are male and female? Maybe more dragons coming?"

Meself: "Where's Hodor? I miss Hodor."

Tom W: "For that matter where is Benjen Stark at? And where is Bran? Will he be coming back as an adult after all this time? By now he's finished puberty right?"

Robbie: "Last we saw of Sansa (who to me is the most wooden actress out there), and Theon, they were jumping 200 feet to rocks below OR it was a huge dirty snow bank."

Maureen: "For sure that would be death by broken body for both, but something tells me that either their capes acted as parachutes and they glided down safely OR they missed the rocks and fell into a hay cart."

Meself: "I dunno. They are like the Rubick Cube how did they manage to land on their feet because you know they do!"

Tom W: "Ah Cersei Lannister, evil queen, me fav. Body double or no, I almost felt sorry for the bitch, UNTIL the Frankenstein Mountain took her up and it was easy to see what SHE WAS THINKING."

Maureen: "YUP watch out sparrows! She looked like a cat after birds."

Tonya: "So much for achieving humility and then deciding NAH! You go girl!"

Tom W: "Oh and can anyone rock a pixie cut like Cersei?"

Weasil: "I wouldn't wanna be Septa Unella when Cersei recovers and goes after there. SHAME!"

Meself: "How do you know all these characters names?"

Weasil: "I read me the bookies. Hee hee."

Robbie: "As to Jaime Lannister who cares anymore, but happy fathers day Jaime any who."

Tom W: "Wow that was bad."

Maureen:  I be glad the end of the world be going well for some people."

Meself: "Arya Stark I always liked especially when she was with the Hound, but then along comes Brienne of Tarth and spoils the fun."

Tom W: "You know she also spoiled me liking Stannis Baratheon's rise to power. Just as he got interesting she pulls out that massive sword and that's that. Or, at least it looked that way but I didn't see a body, did you see a body?"

Robbie: "Nothings impossible with this show. So maybe there is hope for Stannis."

Meself: "Yeah I felt bad for him getting all his men together for that final thrust and then big Brienne shows up with a big sword to add final fatal injury to insult, but then I had a flash of what he did the week before - melting snow with his daughter, and I was all about that sword, I even said outloud "Swing it big girl!""

Tonya: "We needed him to whip Ramsey's ass and that couldn't happen to a better character."

Meself: "I thought I'd have a hard time with Iwan Rheon in that role. I've seen him before and he's so likeable and fun that I have to give him kudos for making Ramsey the character we love to hate, he is the stuff nightmares are made of."

Weasil: "Luv ta hate Olly right now."

Tom W: "I was thrilled to see Myranda meet her demise."

Everyone: "Here here!"

Meself: "I was hoping since Cersei was getting a comeuppance so would Ramsey, but no, he gets to live another season. Oh terrors! But can you see them teaming up?"

Maureen: "No."

Tom W: "Arya, blind girl hum. Something tells me she'll be deadly with a stick. She was great when she could see and had "needle" but now, watch out for the red and white stick!"

Meself: "But seriously can we bring back the Hound? She and he were great together and I don't think I saw his body either after he rolled off the cliff or hill or whatever that presicipice was."

Tonya: "She wears vengeance like a valued cape, you have to hand it to her."

Weasil: "Samwell Tarly not me fav either. Talks a good game but still seems cowardly to me. I hope he and whatshername Gilly is it? (that's how much of an effect she has on me) horse cart them and baby off into the sunset never to be seen again."

Meself: "WHERE'S HODOR?"

Maureen: "I do adore Aiden Gillen as Littlefinger (Petyr Baelish) in his efforts to ascend the Iron Throne, I be almost hoping he does it over Tyrion. Can anyone connive and deceive better than this guy?"

Tom W: "There are two people that can match him if they stick together and thats Tyrion Lannister and Varys back at Meereen. These two together take dialogue to a whole new height."

Robbie: "But neither is any good against the masses waiting outside the palace doors. They need a dragon to get them away. I know where there are two. One for each. Though I think they'd be too pissed off not to eat Tyrion as appetiser and Varys -- full dinner."

Meself: "I miss King Joffrey, BUT WHERE IS HODOR?"

Tonya: "Who needs Joffrey when you have Ramsey?"

Maureen: "I was disappointed Olenna Tyrell couldn't make bird seed of the High Sparrow."

Robbie: "Poor Margaery wasting away in that cell. Even worse what happened to her bro Loras? Characters are missing but that is not unusual with this show I guess."

Tom W: "I hope someone burn down Westeros."

Meself: "Well, with Jon Snow gone I guess that leaves us to cheer on the White Walkers, sigh."

Weasil: "GO TEAM WHITE WALKERS!!!"

Everyone: "Only you Weas."

Gabe
Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

29 June, 2015

Happy MidSummer Gabe! Oh yeah and Happy Fathers Day!

29 June 2015

R. Linda:

Ordinarily I be not a vengeful man, but I have recently been driven to me limits and it be me own fault for becoming complaisant.

I have recovered enough from me broken toes to be able to put weight on the foot and walk (unsteadily I might add). Recovery has kept me from garden duty and anything else requiring working on me day off. I was looking forward to yesterday (Saturday the 20th), as a day of doing absolutely blooding nothing but loafing about the abode. I have gotten used to two things: 1. The old ladies bickering (Dragon: You don't need chickens you don't live on a farm! Me Mam: We can use the eggs and save money wit da amount of eggs we have from our own chickens! Dragon: I just bought eggs from the store because I don't like the taste of those free ranger chicken eggs you bought from down the road. Me Mam: Free range! You had em' fer breakfast yesterday and didn't noo the difference!) and 2. Dragon living here permanently. That last does indeed give me pause and yes chills run up me spine at the thought, but accepting the fact that Big Tony is having a blast without her in Japan, leaves me thinking he isn't going to be rushing home to wife and New Jersey anytime soon. I have to admire him for that. If it were me I'd do the same.

So me nerves (on acceptance of these two facts) have calmed down and I float me brain through the house like all the external things going on about me are not reality. Like I am watching a movie and am totally separate and apart from the action. I am rather pleased with meself as the technique did not come easily and is not completely mastered, because last night I found this cocoon I have made is flimsy.

I was rather enjoying reading a book (something I have had no time for) at the kitchen table, as I sipped me tea, with the two oldsters going at it over how to make blood pudding of all things. Like Dragon would know anything about that. But seems she googled it so she be an authority up against me Irish mam, who all her life was brought up on the stuff. Anyway, I had tuned the ridiculous out and heard somehow a knocking on me door. I left the shrill shrews to answer it, never giving it a thought it was 10 at night and no one in their right mind would go visiting. And I was correct, no one in their right mind was standing on me doorstep, two not in their right minds to be exact.

The circus had come to town, more precisely to me abode. There stood the two princes of wickedness, Weasil and Kincaid. I would have thought Kincaid had enough of the toe breaking episode of the weekend before, that he'd not show up for a good while, but no, no, there he was and he brought his cohort in crime with him. I sighed all the way to me socks at the sight of them.

"Wot ya want?" I asked not inviting them in.

"Hey, iz datty a way ta greet yer bosom buds?" Weasil asked like he was insulted, which is a stretch.

What could I do? I sighed heavily again and let them in.  Not that I wanted to but I knew as do you, there would be no getting rid of them. The kiddos were still up and came running at the two clowns all in happy animation and the two clowns got themselves even further down a few levels to act as childish as the three who had an excuse for that. I tell ya.

I left them in the living room whipping up the noise level, as Kincaid shouted after me that he and Weasil were staying the night. I waved me hand and pretty much tried to ignore them, but Kincaid came into the kitchen to ask Dragon if he and Weasil could have her room, she could double up with Tonya and oh yeah she was fine with that. Well, I wasn't. That meant Gabe was relegated to the couch again! The scene of the toe breaking crime! I was so purple with rage I could do nothing but sputter incoherent words at both Kincaid and the Dragon lady. I was ignored. Yes they talked over me sputtering like I wasn't in the room. I tell ya!

It was going to be Fathers Day and I was damned I'd be sleeping on the couch. I tried to get this out and was told by Dragon there would be other Fathers Days and to suck it up. Suck it up??? I'd like to see her sleeping on the couch.

It was then Weasil came in with his knapsack and threw it to me almost knocking me head off because I didn't expect him to toss it.

"Prezzie in dere fer yer arse." He said rather smugly.

This took me by surprise. It was a twin sized air bed, yup it was. The nerve of him! I asked why he didn't use it and he said he would and I could share the bed with Robbie. Uh no. I'd rather the air mattress.

While I fumed, the rest of the house (all except Tonya) were enjoying the clown show in the living room. I looked at the air mattress it had one of those plug in thingees that blow it up and you do nothing. I felt a little bad because it was obvious Weasil had gone to some expense. However, Tonya said I should throw out the clowns, air mattress and all, but I was feeling a little guilty. I know I shouldn't have and I did regret it later.

When everyone had gone to their nice comfy beds, I opened the air mattress and plugged in the air thing and watched as nothing happened. I unplugged it and then plugged it back in and still nothing. I forced meself to read the directions, and I had got it right but seemed I had a defective mattress. Oh goody. I pulled the tubes out of the mattress and got me bicycle pump. I tried to get the end of the nozzle on the last tube that was attached to the mattress but it wouldn't stay attached. I spent an hour looking for duct tape but couldn't find the roll. I was frustrated and angry so I did the only thing I could, I used the breath in me body to blow that stupid thing up and I will tell you I started at 11:45 and it was near 3 a.m. when I collapsed exhausted next to the inflated bed. I must have slept like that for 20 minutes before I revived. I flipped off the lights and flopping on the bed I closed me eyes and through me eyelids, I could see light and the light intensified. I opened me lids to a room jumping in an orange glow and it was getting brighter by the second.

"Wot the heck?" I said to no one and got up and looked out me window to what looked like a witches sabbath. There below me, the fire pit was aglow with tiki torches lit and there were the two miscreants drinking and dancing and raising general mayhem. Here look at this:

I know you can't see much of anything but me phone made this look like it was duller and further away than it was
I was pissed off I tell ya. I opened me window and shouted at them.

"Wot the hell are you doing?"

"Uhhh . . . it iz midsummer eve sos wez roasting marshymallows in celebration of da nightie. Why dun't ya join us." Weasil shouted up at me.

"It's 3 in the morning let that fire go out and shut it down." I whisper-yelled back and closed the window.

I lay meself back down when I was just starting to drift off and I hear, BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! I flew back to the window, the fire was dying down, and I could see the two miscreants next to Robbie's beaten up Mini Cooper.

"Wot are  you doing now?" I whisper-yelled at them.

"Fixing the dent in Robbie's car." Weasil whisper-yelled back.

"At this time of night? Well, stop it, if I can hear you me neighbours can hear you."

"OK," a rejected sound came drifting back.

I limped back to the mattress and stood looking down at it, no sheets, too lazy to get any, so I dragged me prized green blankie you made me out of the cedar chest where I had hidden it from Dragon, and like I was falling into a swimming pool I just glided through the air and BOOM onto the mattress which deflated totally. All that huffing and puffing for nothing! There I was lying on a quickly deflating mattress bed listening to the air rushing out! Go ahead laugh. I didn't find it funny instead I was too sick at heart to feel much of anything but lay there mad at me foolish self.

"What are you five yeas of age Gabe?" I asked meself listening to the last fizzles of air mattress life.

I forced meself up as the creepy feeling of the mattress starting to sandwich me, bought back some slamming memories of the first night in me new abode (See Don't Try This At Home -- for that matter don't try it PERIOD! 16 February 2015).  I got meself up and out of there fast so entanglement wouldn't commence. What to do? I went to the futon where me dog used to bed down and not thinking it wasn't she, I lay meself down in the dark, and put me arms around her (I thought it was her) only to be growled at. And it wasn't a good growl. I hastily sat up and slid me hand down the furred body to realise it was short haired and not me dog. I got up and switched on the lights. I had, in my worn out state, forgot about the coon hound. There he was looking up at me growling. Look at this:


You might think he;s laughing but he wasn't.
Feeling maligned all around I tore the pillow and blanket from under him and he tried to bite me. I stood there holding the pillow laughing at him.

"You're not quick enough!" I sneered. I realise in me awakened state that wasn't a great thing to have done, but too late and somehow I survived the pulling of the pillow and throw. 

I threw the pillow across the room thinking he'd go for it, but no, no he didn't. You see I had a method to me madness (sort of). What he did infuriated me more. Instead, he stretched back out and went to sleep. 

Look familiar? 
I took meself downstairs and made a cuppa. Rain had started and was pounding the windows and if ever there was more lonely a scene it was me, sipping steaming tea in the kitchen by meself at 4 a.m. Being sleep deprived, it was hard not to feel sorry for me injured self. Happy Fathers Day I whispered and lifting up me teacup for the toast found the chair I was sitting on disintegrating to the floor with me in it. In me sleepless state I had forgot that me mam had glued a kitchen chair that had arrived broken many years ago and we didn't throw away because I was always going to fix it. Yeah it took me mam's arrival for HER to fix it and well, now we could throw it out. 

I sat with scalding tea all over me chest (lucky for me I had on a fleece jacket so I wasn't burnt), but me backside was smarting more than me injured toes. I sat in that wet rubble for a good ten minutes contemplating me place on the totem pole of the O'Sullivan family. I had literally reached an all time low. How did that happen? Everyone including the house invaders were comfy in beds, even the visiting hound had a bed. How did this happen? Time for Gabriel Aloysius O'Sully to man up. 

The chair was splinters so I stuck it in the trash bin in the garage. I got me green blankie and re-hid it from the Dragon lady, stuffed the defective air mattress back in its bag and then roused the two clowns telling them it was 5 a.m. and they needed to leave. I told Weasil I didn't want the air mattress, he should use it (and I know he will and when he does, yup revenge will kick in) and it was with pleasure I watched the Mini Cooper pull slowly down the driveway. Where it would land next I had no clue but I was determined Fathers Day was mine!

And it was. I ended up on the couch, and slept the sleep of the dead until three kiddos came in with breakfast on a tray. How nice was that I ask ya? There was Lucky Charms without milk, a quarter glass of orange juice, some kind of mushed fruit and well it was the best breakfast ever. That is until Tonya came with another tray of eggs, rashers, toast and oh my God, Dragon's blood pudding which I fed to her beggar dog who would not leave me alone. He wanted the rashers but he didn't get any. It was pudding or nothing and the stupid thing ate it. Later he wasn't acting too crazy so I am assuming he had the dickey tummy I was supposed to have. Ha Ha Ha!

Gabe
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