Last week I received an email from Capt. Jaack who told me he had a gift from Wolfie for me sainted grey haired, apple cheeked mam. I had shared with Wolfie me mam's giving up on the male population for having any worth whatsoever and he thought that sad. But he did state he understood her disappointment, after all not everyone could have good hair and be as loyal and well balance as himself. Uh huh.
Anyway, he had sent Jaack something he had found in Japan that he thought would delight me mam and give her a good laugh as well as something to look after to keep her a wee bit busy. Now Jaack said he had seen Wolfie since the trip to Japan and had received the "gift" to give to me to give to me mam and he had been looking "after them Mate, fresh water, nice view," on a weekly basis. What Jaack was talking about I did not know and when I asked, he said he did not know either and couldn't venture a guess because he didn't know what he was looking at. This of course intrigued me no end. What on earth had the Wolf come upon that you couldn't make out what it was, that would make me mam happy, that needed a change of scenery and fresh water? Clueless! But I was thinking whatever it was it must be ALIVE!
"Well, I'll give you me address you can send it on." I emailed Jaack.
"No, you don't understand I can't SEND these through the mail Cappy, I have to BRING them to you." He emailed back.
Now I was truly stymied. So I made a date to meet him next he was down me way.
This Saturday morning very early (because he had a Captain Jaack booking), our very own Captain pulled up me driveway looking totally unsure he was in the right place until he set eyes on me coming out the door in me wife's bunny slippers which I had not a clue I had slipped into. He knew he was in the right place. Well, I had no coffee so I was in a daze I was, so bunny slippers it was.
"I knew you by the bunny slippers," the Captain said leaning out his window looking down at them. "Very you I might add."
"Thanks," I quipped back peering in at his passenger seat where a cardboard box sat on the front seat with a tea towel covering it.
I asked him if he wanted to come in but he said he hadn't the time, rain check though and with that he gingerly lifts this heavy cardboard box and gently hands it off to me from the drivers side window. As I say, it had a tea towel over it that was from Ireland and sent by the thoughtful Wolfie from that place because he knew me mam would appreciate the thought. That was I suppose if she did not appreciate what the Japanese things in the box were. I went to pull the towel back but Jacck stopped me by telling me that "they might catch their death, take them inside and then unpack them, Cappy. But I think you can leave them as they are and let your mother get a look first." And he winked at me making me very suspicious of what on earth was in the box. "OH and Gabe, they are in water so don't slosh the box." He started to back the car up, "Oh, and they don't bite!"
With that he rolled up his window, and backed down me driveway, his head nodding at me not to peek, he was watching me. I tell ya! So I went back inside being very careful and I could hear water inside the box, so I carefully set the box on the coffee table in the living room. I decided I'd go make me some joe to keep from peeking. That didn't keep the cat from taking a look though. When I came back into the lounge, there was the cat, head under the towel, one long arm in the box the rest of him hanging out.
I near dropped me cup as I ran to get him out of the box before he killed or ate whatever was in there, or it killed and ate him! Once I got him out from under the tea towel he was rubbing up against me and meowing to be let back up on the table. Now I was truly curious as I sat there making sure Mr. Kits stayed floor level, I took a quick sip of me coffee, I put the cup down quietly and looked around. No one to be seen, so I extended one arm out toward the towel when a voice made me jump and withdraw it back.
"Is dat me present?" Me mam said shuffling into the room.
"Yes, yes it is." I said with a sheepish smile I be sure.
"Aw and dat Wolf be such a taughtful laddie he be." She said, her eyes gleaming in anticipation. "And och! Woulda lookit dat he poot an Irish linen on toup for goud measure. What a taughtful laddie like I say."
I was frowning now, thinking like I was not a thoughtful lad? Come on! But I held me tongue and temper I did as I watched her slide the towel off and then near put her head in the box looking at what was inside. I got real curious when she started talking to whatever was in there, the box muffling this: "Oh look at yas, yas two . . . ooh such big 'ins ye be, bigger den I remember."
Okay that was it, I pulled her by her bathrobe sleeve to move her back, but she swatted me and told me to be patient she'd take them out, but before she did she wanted to tell me something about Wolf.
"Wot about 'em?" I asked in a hurry to what was in the box.
She picked the box up and stood there waiting for me to settle it down. I did.
"Yer Mr. Wolf has sent me not only a lovely tea linen from the old sod, but he has sent me your father's balls he cut off and dey are a nice shade o' green dey be."
I sat there with me jaws to the ground. NO, she never just said that and NO, I didn't just hear that and NO, HE NEVER DID!
She knew I was about to jump out of me seat so she put her hand out to me chest and kept me seated as I heard water sloshing in the box.
"Gabriel you finish yer cuppa and I will get fresh water in here." She said moving off.
"You mean embalming fluid dontcha?" I said still in shock.
I guess the commotion awoke the wife because she came lurching in the lounge asking me why I was shouting so early on a Saturday morning and at who because I was by myself.
How was I to explain? But I didn't have to, the moment she saw the tea towel, she went for it and asked where it came from? Had I a friend on the General Hospital set who sent me the towel for her? Oh how wonderful, we must frame it just like the one on GH. It dawned on me she thought the towel was from me! I tried to explain, but she was too busy ooh and ahhing over the tea linen.
|Yup she wanted to frame it just like at Kellys on GH|
I stuttered trying to tell me wife that Wolfie had found me errant father and cut off his balls, and put them in water and sent them to me mam! And I did get that out without knowing I did because she dropped the tea linen to the floor and stood looking at me in horror.
"WOLF DID WHAT?" She said as if she didn't hear me right the first time.
I shrugged I didn't know what more to say, so I said it again.
"OHHH," she mock laughed, "this is a joke right?"
"No, no joke," I said cryptically, "he's a northern man after all there Ton."
"So are you, I might point out." She pointed out!
"No, I mean a Proddy northern man probably into things he shouldn't like blowing people's kneecaps to bits and stuff like that." I said mindlessly.
"Well . . . " Tonya said giving THAT some thought but before anymore could be said, in came me mam with this small fish bowl of sorts and inside were two things that looked like separated testicles with a green fuzz growing on them.
Tonya gasped, bringing her hands to her mouth in horror, stammering, "is that, is that, is that . . . "
As for me, I could feel the size of me eyes must have been like car headlights as I watched me mam advance into the room, put the bowl on the table in front of me and smile with great satisfaction at the two green balls in the bowl.
|Here they are!|
"Are . . . are . . . " Tonya started, "those little glass rocks on the bottom?"
I exploded with a WHAT because the little glass rocks on the bottom where the least of me concern.
"Well, I don't know." Tonya said flustered.
"Da Wolf put instructions in da box, he did," me mam said, "I hafta keep dem in artificial light and change da water once a week, and no chlorine in da water, and squeeze 'em every so often to get da nitrate outa dem."
Both Tonya and I looked at her in amazement. She said all that like it was nothing. We both directed our gazes back to the balls in the bowl.
"Oh my." Tonya said to me and me back to her.
Later when me mam was elsewhere Tonya and I took a real good look at those green balls.
"Your mum said when you squeeze them they float for a while. I wonder what they feel like."
"Tonya!" I said in genuine shock.
Several times that day we'd both go look at them and every time we did, me mam seemed to know because we could hear her laughing in the other room.
"So glad she thinks this is funny," Tonya whispered.
"Yeah, me poor da. I know he's a bad bad man but . . . cut his balls off? Really? And by Wolf?" I whispered back.
"How much do you think she paid him?" Tonya said.
I didn't get to answer because over our engrossed shoulders came this, "Oh I see ye are gitting to know Left and Right." And she walked away.
"Left and Right?" Tonya whispered trying to catch her breath.
"That's what she said, OH MY GOD, she named them!" I breathed out quickly looking to see if me mam was within earshot. She wasn't.
'You better fire an emergency email off to that Wolf and find out what condition he left your father in." Tonya hissed.
And I did, I went right up to me loft, locked the doors and emailed the Wolf. I wanted to Skype but he wasn't around. Or, if he was, he wasn't saying so. An hour later I got this:
"Your da is doing well, though his voice is a few octaves higher than it was. He limps a bit, but that will right itself in time. Otherwise, don't you worry none I am an ace with a scalpel."
"BUTCHER!" I shouted at me computer screen and then an IM came ringing in.
Wolf: Calm down your da is fine. I don't know where he is anyway
O'Sully: He better be, so who's balls are they?
Wolf: They are Marimos
O'Sully: Who is this Marimos and what have you done with him? And more important why would you send his balls to me sainted mother?
O'Sully: Glad you find this funny. Japanese guy is he?
Wolf: Mari means a bouncy ball and Mo is a generic term for plants but in this case a species of algae that grow in water. They are called Marimos, mossy round balls of seaweed I guess. Your mam is in on the joke. So was Jaack.
Nice one on me and Tonya! Oh and Tonya got me mam watching that soap and yes, the two of them are taking that tea linen to be framed for OUR kitchen wall. I suggested they take the Marimos and have them stuffed in a shadow box for me mam's bedroom wall. So far mam is liking the idea but she wants the real ones. Oi!
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