Living in a house with me three sons can at times be exasperating. On Valentines Day eve, me wife had gone out and bought Valentine cards so the kiddos could give them out at school. For me, it was an eyeopener as these were not the usual Valentine cards with the little red hearts with the Will You Be Mine? on them, no no, they were this:
"No ugly girls, boys!" Guido said after several icks issued forth from his 8 year old lips.
O'Hare looked at her like she was ready for THE HOME, and shook his head in disbelief.
The youngest was much more vocal and shouted at the top of his lungs, "I DON'T LIKE GIRLS, THEY ARE SMELLY, SILLIES!"
"Smelly you say?" Me Mam ventured into uncharted waters of a 4 year old BOY.
"YEAH DEY SMELL LIKE FLOWERS AN' I DUNT LIKE FLOWERS!"
"Well then, ok." She said giving Tonya a shocked smile at which he was told not to shout at his grandmother of which he shouted back, "OK!"
I personally, think they all three of them have hearing problems. When I ask them to do something like empty the trash bin, they seem not to hear me. Me Mam says it be selective hearing because when she tells them she's made chocolate caramel turtles, they are right there. Whatever. They just talk very loud to suit me to thinking there not be a hearing problem.
They did all three of them chip in on their allowances and bought their mother this:
|Boyos Valentine Candy For Tonya|
A few day later I came home to find we had no wi-fi. We live in a rural area of horse and historical buffs who don't like modern conveniences. Personally, I am surprised we are allowed cars and not horse and buggies. I told you the cable company offered to put cable in free and even bury the lines, but the town said no. The town over from us has all that and if you are on the town line, you can sometimes get the service. But it's sporadic at best, so we put up with the lovely look of the place in exchange for less services that other folks have.
The wi-fi is down occasionally, but this time it went down for four days, or what the boyos said seemed like ten years. I had to drive to the neighbouring town to a little eatery that has wi-fi to get and send mail. The boyos of course, have all those Play Station's that you need wi-fi for and wow the complaining. You'd think I was solely responsible for the interruption in service.
After telling them they have to live with it and go watch the TV or even better go outside and PLAY (the last being an alien concept to all three), they informed me they'd just sit in their rooms and stare at the walls. "WHAT IS THAT?" I shouted so the hearing impaired could hear me. No answer and they left me for O'Hare's room with one sitting on the bed staring at the wall, one on the floor staring at the floor and the smallest one with a piece of Lego examining it like he'd never seen it before and had no earthly idea what to do with it. That was day one.
Day two of no wi-fi bought pretty much the same thing but they started to beat on each other. Between the three adults in the house we must have broken up 6 fights an hour. Finally, on day four of no wi-fi, I was off from work, when O'Hare comes waltzing in from school to stand in the doorway of me office and say, "There is STILL no wi-fi," which he repeated at least ten times while I sat there looking at him in astonishment.
"I have no hearing problem, I heard you the first time, and no, there be no wi-fi."
He left me in a huff for his room to stare at the wall I guess, while I went back to proofreading an article I was working on.
Soon after Guido comes home, stands in the doorway and announces, "I see da Innernet isn't werkin',"
"That's right." I said, and he disappeared probably to the floor in his brother's room.
Tonya came home with the wee one and asked me if the Internet was working to which I shook me head and off they went to the kitchen.
I could hear the sounds of the other two drawn to the kitchen complaining of the fact they lived in a backwards boondock and wanted to move because you know why, and who's bright idea was it to move here in the first place and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
It wasn't 15 minutes later Tonya comes sweeping into my office locking the door behind her, armed with her candy box. She opened it up and shoved it in me direction.
"Been that kind of day has it?" I asked all sweetness and light.
She frowned as she chewed on a caramel the one candy she does not like. She took it out of her mouth and handed it to me.
"Here, you like caramel." She reached in the box for another chocolate and got a coconut which she also doesn't like. That she gave me as well, as she told me she was sick and tired of boyos complaining about wi-fi. I commiserated with her, yes I did, and by the time she was calmed down she had consumed more than half that box of chocolates to the few she forced on me and the one buttercream she complained I got that she wanted. An exchange of saliva drenched chocolate took place a few times. It is a rare thing Tonya shares a box of chocolates, as she is a fiend for Valentine candy in heart boxes, especially Russell Stovers. So I knew she was done, done, done. To keep her from eating the rest of the box and paying for it later, or worse her forcing the rejects on me, I went to me computer and lo and behold the wi-fi was back up!
I got up to go tell the boyos but she stood in front of the locked door.
"Ok, so I guess I won't. I said sitting back down."
(I blame this all on Dragon, who a few Christmases ago gifted each of the boys with Play Stations and has upgraded them every year (you should see me electric bill!). If it was up to me they'd not have but one and then allotted time each, but me threat that if grades failed they'd get no game time, backfired because all of them especially O'Hare are honour roll students. Defeated on that score, I have tried to make it two hours a day, but somehow I get busy and forget. I leave me Mam in charge most of the time, but we know how that goes, it doesn't.)
"Lets tell them at dinner, give them four hours to sit around doing nothing but looking like the world has ended. Then we'll tell them it's been back up."
Oh Tonya is a vengeful one isn't she? Unfortunately for her, Guido tried the Internet on occasion and found for himself it worked. In his room he turned his system on and was busy at it when his brother heard familiar Internet sounds and came wandering in to see what Guido was doing. He hit his brother upside the head when he found that Guido neglected to let him know SYSTEMS BACK UP. This brought the wee one in to complain he was tired of Peppa Pig and wanted to play a game on the game box.
Tonya left to set him up, and the sounds of people talking (that I don't know), strange cartoon sounds, explosions, gunfire, and crazy laughter filled the house. We are back up to that bizarre normal that invades a home. And the reason I know we are all back up isn't because I turned on me computer, but the game boxes are turned up to LOUD.
"And you wonder why dey don't hear ya," Mam said to me when I came in complaining I couldn't think for the noise, "all of em' haf da earplugs in and the volume turned up, so dats why. In Ire'lynd dey don't due dat sort a ting."
"Oh hold on," and I took her to O'Hare's room. O'Hare has this Irish gamer he spars with and the guy has his own Internet show where he explains his strategies of gamesmanship. He has pink hair one day, green the next, but the Irish accent be as thick as me Mam's. I showed her the young laddie who was on screen, platinum and blue hair this time, yammering away in his Irish accent about the latest in glitch modding which was lost on the two of us but not O'Hare who speaks back at the bloke in a feigned Irish accent of his own. I tell ya! It was so loud in there I had to close the door. I felt like I was at Temple Bar in Dublin with everyone shouting at each other over the pub noise.
I sighed, she left me for the quiet of her room at the back of the house where it be quite peaceful being away from the other bedrooms. I envy her.
As for Tonya, she's finished the boyo's candy Valentine they gave her and be working on mine. She told me she will be weighing in at a hefty 250 pounds soon.
"That's nice," I said, stealing a piece of candy. "I will have deaf sons, a reclusive mother and a pleasantly plumb wife. What more could I want except peace and quiet for a few hours."
"Give it up," she said, "you aren't getting that until they all leave the nest." She shoved the box at me and we sat there eating candy for the next hour. She won't be the only hefty weight in the house, I will be right there with her, only muffin top be me curse as you well know from a fudge episode YOU were responsible for.
Happy belated Valentine's Day Muse!
Copyright © 2018 All rights reserved