28 July, 2015

Dress Shopping With The Dragon Lady

30 July 2015

R. Linda:

So here's the thing, the youngest of Tonya's brothers is getting married. And of course, there has been quite a bit of hoopla going on with Tonya's side of the family. Everyone be very happy the last one is getting hitched to a nice young woman. Well, everyone that is but mother Dragon, who is more interested in what on earth she is going to wear. Let me tell ya, it's been a trip listening to the Dragon lady complain about colours, sizes, styles, sizes, length, sizes, fabric, sizes . . .

Yes, there is a problem with size. So here we go, Tonya has been driven quite a bit mad by her mother's not being able to find THE DRESS. After all, this is mother of the groom and well we must present our self looking fabulous or not at all. I actually overheard her talking about not going to the wedding. I was like what? Not going to your last unmarried child's wedding? WHAT?

Yeah like I care that much. Anyway, somehow, as it always happens, I got stuck going dress shopping with me dragon-in-law. Yes, I did and I lived to tell about it! No easy feat let me tell ya that and the outing was more than once, I deserve a medal. The excuse was from me wife, I should go to give a man's opinion because a daughters, well, a daughter is too close to the dress buying person. Yeah right and Tonya had been out with mommy dearest several times and was driven near crazy for the experience, so she was done was what she was saying, but not saying, if you know what I mean.

Let me tell you I thought we would be going to the mall. Well, no we can't go to a mall and buy a dress off the rack! No indeed, we need to go to an exclusive bridal store and buy one that can be ordered. I should have known that, instead I had the nerve once she was buckled in me Saturn and I asked the stupid question of which mall were we going, of nearly getting me head bit off and then a talking to on bridal wear. Oi!

As I put the motor in gear and headed out I grumbled to meself, "no Macys for HER!"

We were going to Nashua which is like two hours away from where I live, or I should say were WE live since Dragon still be living with me. SIGH! On our way we hit a small bustling town and there was a bridal shop and I didn't stop because I didn't see it, but the half blind Dragon did and had me pull a U Turn in the middle of a busy highway to go back.

Once I managed to get us turned around without causing an accident, we got out and in the window of this rather small establishment were assorted bridal dresses and lots of purple bridesmaid dresses, which I assume must be the popular colour for those unfortunate woman who hate purple, but Bridezillas insist they wear it. So in we go, and on one side is this jumble of dress racks upon dress racks filled with the young and beautiful figured women's dresses and on the other side . . . not so much, but the old lady section for the mother of the bride or groom. Oh yeah, I knew right off we weren't going there, but that's what the young thing who came running up to Dragon did, she caught her by the elbow and guided her over to the over 40 dresses. Size 16, size 18 and up!

Most of the old lady section was full of silver, gunmetal grey and black sequined numbers that were anything but attractive. NO BLACK, SILVER OR GREY! That was what was shouted at the young thing, who then had a terrible time finding something that wasn't that colour. Lots of what is called champagne, which is almost a nude colour in the Dragon's opinion and not to be worn. Navy, which was disguised as sapphire blue was considered too dark, and then burgundy, too near purple.

"I wouldn't be caught dead in purple." Said Dragon.

I was curious, as the young thing went in the back to see if there were any new arrivals. I asked the Dragon what colours were the wedding party wearing.

"Purple! In varying shades and styles! Can you imagine? They will all look like grapes!" She said annoyed.

"And the groomsmen?" I croaked.

"Shades of gray with salmon bow ties and purple cummerbunds. Yesh! All colour blind, every single one of them!" She near hollered.

I knew then to keep me gob shut and just stand there hoping she'd forget about me.

Well, the girl came back with a 'maroon' dress that had several tiers. I could see the Dragon's nose go high in the air, and knew instantly this would not go over big.

"THAT my dear is RED!" Dragon pointed out.

"Oh no, no, it is maroon, see here on the label, Maroon Dream."

Well, she tried it on and declared she was too fat, it was a fat dress, it didn't slim her, it make her look 20 pounds heavier.

'Gabriel, do I look fat in this?"
I knew not to answer but say instead, "NO, you look wonderful in it." Or something like that to which she called me a liar who needed to see an optometrist. I thought it was red too and not maroon, but said nothing but this, "You will be noticed over the bride."

She stopped and stared in the mirror contemplating that gem.

That ended the shopping trip for the day. She found nothing she liked so after two days of complaining about it, she decided to get a dress made. Nothing like waiting until the last moment.

"I know a woman who tailors and probably could make you something in time." Tonya said.

Well, this seamstress turns out to be the woman from the Chinese restaurant in town. Mr. Dennis Chang's wife Lijuan Chang. No, Dennis isn't the man's given name it is Kang, but I guess Kang Chang sounds funny to the American ear so he changed it to Dennis. His wife calls herself Lily because she said Americans butcher her pretty name so badly with their tin ears not able to comprehend the rhythm of her name so, she just couldn't take it anymore, and Lily it be.

Lily came over with fabric samples and measuring tape, tailors chalk, and designs. At first Dragon looked unsure and I overheard her tell Tonya she didn't want a kimono, but a dress. Tonya told her to stop it the woman did all kinds of dress making and if she should change her mind she probably could make her an arse kicking kimono. Oi Tonya!

So a dusty rose colour was selected, satin with lace overlay. Um hum. Jacket to cover larger upper arms. Um hum. Fitted under the bodice to give appearance of youthful uplift. Um hum. Tucked in slightly at waist to make it look like Dragon had one. Um hum. To the floor to cover those knees with all the dimples. Um hum. Finally, a lacy overlay beyond the satin for panache. Um hum.

I could hear this while I tried to read the newspaper. I sat there laughing to meself but was soon called in to look at the fabric and the dress design. Why I want to know did they need me? A man's opinion I was told. Like my sorry opinion would matter to of all people, the Dragon lady. Well, it was all very nice I suppose. I know nothing of these matters and not being suicidal I muttered all the affirmatives like I was Ralph Lauren.

I went back to the living room to resume me newspaper reading. But it was hard to concentrate because I could overhear Mrs. Chang and I had all I could do to keep from fits of laughter.

"You measure straight up and down like small oriental lady." Lily Chang said to Dragon. "You one inch difference from straight line."

"I am not oriental as you can see. Can we just get on with it?" Dragon said her voice tinged with annoyance.

"You need tell me what shoe you wear so I know length." Mrs. Chang said.

"I don't know I have to get shoes for this dress. But I would guess they will have a one inch heel if that helps you."

"Shì de! So 50" from here to ground. Lace overlay be two inch between dress hem and top of toe of shoe. Ok?" Mrs. Chang asked.

"I guess. You know the dress design better than I." Dragon answered thinking Mrs. Chang had cursed about the dress length. But I knew better it wasn't shite, it was YES in Chinese. Me knowing this thanks to Ms. Jaio.

Then silence for a few minutes when Mrs. Chang says to herself, "Oh can't be right."

I turned to see what wasn't right and it was sleeve measurements.

"You have long arms like hóuzi."

"Like what?" Dragon asked.

"Never mind it." Mrs. Chang must have realised that what she was comparing arm length in Dragon to, would be considered a racial slur if she said the English word for it. I knew what she said because (once again) of Ms. Jaio. She was saying Dragon had long monkey arms. Yes, but Dragon thought she was referring to bigger arm holes, and was looking at her upper arms in consternation.

"Are you thinking I need bigger arm holes?" Dragon asked perplexed.

"Oh no, no I make so jacket fit good, ok?" Mrs. Chang's face was red.

Before that got out of hand I came back and suggested sequins on the jacket as if I knew what I was talking about, just to take the pressure off Mrs. Chang.

"Sequins no problem." Mrs. Chang said with a tentative smile at Dragon.

"Oh plenty of those along the bodice and maybe on the jacket lapels." Dragon said looking at me like I wasn't clear on lapels, gees.

I was pleased I managed to change the subject. So that was basically it. Dress ordered, promised to be here by 28 July for fitting. No fittings needed in-between (which had Dragon wondering why not).

"Oh mother, trust her, I've seen what she makes for herself and everything is lovely." Tonya tried to reassure the less than trusting Dragon.

So 28 July came and so did dress delivered by Mrs. Wang all smiles. Dragon looking askance as usual like something won't be right. Tonya all pleased the dress was done in time for any alterations that may be needed (none were). Me, relieved I didn't have to venture out with that woman one more time.

Well, we came close R. Linda, yes we did. We almost had the perfect dress. It was well made, better than anything at the bridal shop or for that matter, Macys. It fits beautifully and is very flattering BUT for one thing, it isn't dusty rose, its PEACH!

How this happened no one knew but then Mrs. Wang's brain exploded as she remembered she asked Dragon if she would like a colour to represent the groom's side of the family and that would be salmon. And Dragon at first had said yes, but the colour swatch was peach not salmon so she instead selected dusty rose. But in Mrs. Wang's frustration with the sizing of the Dragon, she lost all memory of dusty rose and went for the peach! Oi, oi, oi.

But it isn't over yet. Tonya convinced her mother it was a striking dress, please try it on and see if it was not. Reluctantly, Dragon took it to the other room to try on while Mrs. Chang and meself bit our fingernails. It took her an overly long time to get into the strapless number. Mrs. Change went in to help because Dragon shouted there was no zipper, what are all these laces? Seems Mrs. Chang thought it best to make corset like lace up number in the back to save Dragon broken zipper and for adjustment after she feasted on wedding cake. I tell ya, that little thoughtful addition was not appreciate at the time.

I got so worked up at listening to Dragon complaining and poor Mrs. Chang trying to reassure her, that me stomach got a bit on the dickey side. When noticed I was holding me tum, the wife asked what was wrong. I admitted this dress thing with her mother had got to me and Mrs. Chang being such a sweet person, it was like sending in a baby chick to a python.

Dragon couldn't hear my words only the whining tone of my voice and shouted the question what was wrong thinking we were discussing the dress. I tell ya, the woman! Tonya shouted I had an upset stomach and Dragon shouted back for her to get me a mint from her purse that that would help quell the upset.

So Tonya got the tin of Altoids from Dragon's purse and when I saw Altoids I was thinking they be strong and not going to help, BUT Tonya insisted so I popped one in me mouth.

Meanwhile, out came Dragon and Mrs. Chang. The dress was beautiful. It looked better than anything she had tried on and the colour looked great on her. All was forgiven, Mrs. Chang went home pleased and a bit wealthier than when she came in.

As for me, I was decidedly sick. I could not understand that now that the upset was over, why me sensitive tum was feeling worse than before.

"Tonya, give him another Altoids." The Dragon said as she left to get out of her dress.

"I need to help you out of those laces," Tonya said following her mother, "Gabe, the Altoids are right there by her purse on the table."

I went over and looked at the tin, really not wanting another of the overpowering mints. But then something caught me eye.


Notice the date, un huh.
Now I be really grovelling on the floor sick. Was it the outdated Altoids, or just me coming down with a bug? I blame it on the Dragon, that horrible woman who I swear is looking to do me in!

Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

05 July, 2015

Boston Last Night

05 July 2015

R. Linda:

A few shots from Boston Fireworks. Sorry about the watermarking.

Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

02 July, 2015

Where is HODOR??? And where was Ghost when Jon Snow needed him?

03 July 2015

R. Linda:

It has taken me somewhat to get over the shock. But here goes.

We had got the popcorn and were getting all settled for a Game of Thrones finale and instead got the shock of our lives. We watched as Jon Snow rushed downstairs and got a funny feeling as he did, and then it happened -- and WOW we were gutted!

Not long ago Game of Thrones had its season finale and those of you who I have a GOT Tweet with blew the water cooler chat off the charts. Like most brain dead I was totally not expecting Jon Snow to bite the . . . snow! But I be in that small percentage of people who have not read the books and understand from one of them, they knew the demise was coming and had been waiting four years for it to happen. Who knew?

Apparently not Tonya, who turned to me while we were watching it and said, "WHAT just happened?" and she grabbed the remote and went madly clicking back.

"It is all a dream Tonya." Dragon said to her and of course she would she's stuck in Dallas.

I was told to watch that scene over and over and over to see Jon's eyes begin to turn from brownish green to purple. I thought I saw something but I cannot be sure it wasn't from suggestion that something happened, or that the white "snow" reflection made the change if there was one. He croaked out "ghost" which at first I thought he meant himself he was seeing as a ghost or maybe he was threatening to come back as one, then it dawned on me he meant the white wolf. So by now I be feeling just a little more brain dead than before.

The wife was going around saying to the air, "What's the point of watching Thrones NOW?" And me Mam, "Who knew?" Indeed.

"They aren't real people for bejayus sake." I said to them. "It isn't the end of the world, the Baratheons are all gone! That's good news. One family down and how many to go?"

"Get rid of the rest of the Starks and the Lannisters are good to go. Forget the Boltons and Targaryens." Dragon said.

"How do you even know all that and the names?" I asked her stunned.

Anyway back to the non water cooler chat that be here off the blog record from me Tweeter account. Me cohorts in chat are Tom W, Weasil, and Robbie along with Maureen from work (the only true water cooler chatterer of the group). I have nothing else to write about so this is it, LOL.

Robbie: "Will Jon be back do ya think?"

Maureen: "His alter ego Kit says no but then why on earth is the Red Woman at the Wall if not to do another resurrection act? It worked the first time she did it, so why not on Jonny boy?"

Meself: "Well, I be over it, if Jon comes back the season after next you can say you heard it here first, and if he doesn't then you can consider me further down the brain dead scale."

Tom W: "It had bothered me that the Red Woman rode to the Wall. What for I was wondering. No one there liked her and well Stannis was too busy to go after her."

This had me flapping me lips when I was watching at home with Tonya telling me to put a lid on it. I be saying right now, in me house I take ownership of the Red Woman returning to bring Jon Snow back! Out on a limb? Certainly but this show brings people back from the dead as either White Walkers or Frankenstein monsters, or dead Baratheons, she did it once, she can do it again.

Tom W: "I wouldn't want to be a Wildling at the Wall with Jon gone."

Weasil: "Hell I wouldn't wanna be Olly either if Jon IS back from da land o' da dead!"

Tom W: "Olly has anger issues, you think?"

Weasil: "Yuppers he needs anger management like yesterday."

Meanwhile, back at the cooler Maureen was all about Daenerys being in horsey jail.

Maureen: "Yup there is Daenerys Targaryen and that worn out and grumpy dragon who has a penchant for Dothraki horse flesh. I be assuming the Dothraki saw that gluttonous dragon eating their horses and now are about to tell Daenerys how upset they are with her and her dragon."

Meself: "But wait she threw off her ring sensing trouble, and that is certainly a talisman for Jorah and Daario to pick up and you know they're coming to the rescue."

Tom W: "BUT think about it - a  ring thrown out in the middle of a wild field would be an easy find? Come on!"

Maureen: "Oh give it a chance it will be sparkling in the sun and they can't help but find it."

Tom W: "O-K."

At home, Tonya hadn't given that a thought, she was all about the Dragon getting hungry again and she should know she's my Daenerys and one of her dragons live with us!

Tonya: "Speaking of dragons, anyone know if the two locked underground are male and female? Maybe more dragons coming?"

Meself: "Where's Hodor? I miss Hodor."

Tom W: "For that matter where is Benjen Stark at? And where is Bran? Will he be coming back as an adult after all this time? By now he's finished puberty right?"

Robbie: "Last we saw of Sansa (who to me is the most wooden actress out there), and Theon, they were jumping 200 feet to rocks below OR it was a huge dirty snow bank."

Maureen: "For sure that would be death by broken body for both, but something tells me that either their capes acted as parachutes and they glided down safely OR they missed the rocks and fell into a hay cart."

Meself: "I dunno. They are like the Rubick Cube how did they manage to land on their feet because you know they do!"

Tom W: "Ah Cersei Lannister, evil queen, me fav. Body double or no, I almost felt sorry for the bitch, UNTIL the Frankenstein Mountain took her up and it was easy to see what SHE WAS THINKING."

Maureen: "YUP watch out sparrows! She looked like a cat after birds."

Tonya: "So much for achieving humility and then deciding NAH! You go girl!"

Tom W: "Oh and can anyone rock a pixie cut like Cersei?"

Weasil: "I wouldn't wanna be Septa Unella when Cersei recovers and goes after there. SHAME!"

Meself: "How do you know all these characters names?"

Weasil: "I read me the bookies. Hee hee."

Robbie: "As to Jaime Lannister who cares anymore, but happy fathers day Jaime any who."

Tom W: "Wow that was bad."

Maureen:  I be glad the end of the world be going well for some people."

Meself: "Arya Stark I always liked especially when she was with the Hound, but then along comes Brienne of Tarth and spoils the fun."

Tom W: "You know she also spoiled me liking Stannis Baratheon's rise to power. Just as he got interesting she pulls out that massive sword and that's that. Or, at least it looked that way but I didn't see a body, did you see a body?"

Robbie: "Nothings impossible with this show. So maybe there is hope for Stannis."

Meself: "Yeah I felt bad for him getting all his men together for that final thrust and then big Brienne shows up with a big sword to add final fatal injury to insult, but then I had a flash of what he did the week before - melting snow with his daughter, and I was all about that sword, I even said outloud "Swing it big girl!""

Tonya: "We needed him to whip Ramsey's ass and that couldn't happen to a better character."

Meself: "I thought I'd have a hard time with Iwan Rheon in that role. I've seen him before and he's so likeable and fun that I have to give him kudos for making Ramsey the character we love to hate, he is the stuff nightmares are made of."

Weasil: "Luv ta hate Olly right now."

Tom W: "I was thrilled to see Myranda meet her demise."

Everyone: "Here here!"

Meself: "I was hoping since Cersei was getting a comeuppance so would Ramsey, but no, he gets to live another season. Oh terrors! But can you see them teaming up?"

Maureen: "No."

Tom W: "Arya, blind girl hum. Something tells me she'll be deadly with a stick. She was great when she could see and had "needle" but now, watch out for the red and white stick!"

Meself: "But seriously can we bring back the Hound? She and he were great together and I don't think I saw his body either after he rolled off the cliff or hill or whatever that presicipice was."

Tonya: "She wears vengeance like a valued cape, you have to hand it to her."

Weasil: "Samwell Tarly not me fav either. Talks a good game but still seems cowardly to me. I hope he and whatshername Gilly is it? (that's how much of an effect she has on me) horse cart them and baby off into the sunset never to be seen again."

Meself: "WHERE'S HODOR?"

Maureen: "I do adore Aiden Gillen as Littlefinger (Petyr Baelish) in his efforts to ascend the Iron Throne, I be almost hoping he does it over Tyrion. Can anyone connive and deceive better than this guy?"

Tom W: "There are two people that can match him if they stick together and thats Tyrion Lannister and Varys back at Meereen. These two together take dialogue to a whole new height."

Robbie: "But neither is any good against the masses waiting outside the palace doors. They need a dragon to get them away. I know where there are two. One for each. Though I think they'd be too pissed off not to eat Tyrion as appetiser and Varys -- full dinner."

Meself: "I miss King Joffrey, BUT WHERE IS HODOR?"

Tonya: "Who needs Joffrey when you have Ramsey?"

Maureen: "I was disappointed Olenna Tyrell couldn't make bird seed of the High Sparrow."

Robbie: "Poor Margaery wasting away in that cell. Even worse what happened to her bro Loras? Characters are missing but that is not unusual with this show I guess."

Tom W: "I hope someone burn down Westeros."

Meself: "Well, with Jon Snow gone I guess that leaves us to cheer on the White Walkers, sigh."


Everyone: "Only you Weas."

Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

29 June, 2015

Happy MidSummer Gabe! Oh yeah and Happy Fathers Day!

29 June 2015

R. Linda:

Ordinarily I be not a vengeful man, but I have recently been driven to me limits and it be me own fault for becoming complaisant.

I have recovered enough from me broken toes to be able to put weight on the foot and walk (unsteadily I might add). Recovery has kept me from garden duty and anything else requiring working on me day off. I was looking forward to yesterday (Saturday the 20th), as a day of doing absolutely blooding nothing but loafing about the abode. I have gotten used to two things: 1. The old ladies bickering (Dragon: You don't need chickens you don't live on a farm! Me Mam: We can use the eggs and save money wit da amount of eggs we have from our own chickens! Dragon: I just bought eggs from the store because I don't like the taste of those free ranger chicken eggs you bought from down the road. Me Mam: Free range! You had em' fer breakfast yesterday and didn't noo the difference!) and 2. Dragon living here permanently. That last does indeed give me pause and yes chills run up me spine at the thought, but accepting the fact that Big Tony is having a blast without her in Japan, leaves me thinking he isn't going to be rushing home to wife and New Jersey anytime soon. I have to admire him for that. If it were me I'd do the same.

So me nerves (on acceptance of these two facts) have calmed down and I float me brain through the house like all the external things going on about me are not reality. Like I am watching a movie and am totally separate and apart from the action. I am rather pleased with meself as the technique did not come easily and is not completely mastered, because last night I found this cocoon I have made is flimsy.

I was rather enjoying reading a book (something I have had no time for) at the kitchen table, as I sipped me tea, with the two oldsters going at it over how to make blood pudding of all things. Like Dragon would know anything about that. But seems she googled it so she be an authority up against me Irish mam, who all her life was brought up on the stuff. Anyway, I had tuned the ridiculous out and heard somehow a knocking on me door. I left the shrill shrews to answer it, never giving it a thought it was 10 at night and no one in their right mind would go visiting. And I was correct, no one in their right mind was standing on me doorstep, two not in their right minds to be exact.

The circus had come to town, more precisely to me abode. There stood the two princes of wickedness, Weasil and Kincaid. I would have thought Kincaid had enough of the toe breaking episode of the weekend before, that he'd not show up for a good while, but no, no, there he was and he brought his cohort in crime with him. I sighed all the way to me socks at the sight of them.

"Wot ya want?" I asked not inviting them in.

"Hey, iz datty a way ta greet yer bosom buds?" Weasil asked like he was insulted, which is a stretch.

What could I do? I sighed heavily again and let them in.  Not that I wanted to but I knew as do you, there would be no getting rid of them. The kiddos were still up and came running at the two clowns all in happy animation and the two clowns got themselves even further down a few levels to act as childish as the three who had an excuse for that. I tell ya.

I left them in the living room whipping up the noise level, as Kincaid shouted after me that he and Weasil were staying the night. I waved me hand and pretty much tried to ignore them, but Kincaid came into the kitchen to ask Dragon if he and Weasil could have her room, she could double up with Tonya and oh yeah she was fine with that. Well, I wasn't. That meant Gabe was relegated to the couch again! The scene of the toe breaking crime! I was so purple with rage I could do nothing but sputter incoherent words at both Kincaid and the Dragon lady. I was ignored. Yes they talked over me sputtering like I wasn't in the room. I tell ya!

It was going to be Fathers Day and I was damned I'd be sleeping on the couch. I tried to get this out and was told by Dragon there would be other Fathers Days and to suck it up. Suck it up??? I'd like to see her sleeping on the couch.

It was then Weasil came in with his knapsack and threw it to me almost knocking me head off because I didn't expect him to toss it.

"Prezzie in dere fer yer arse." He said rather smugly.

This took me by surprise. It was a twin sized air bed, yup it was. The nerve of him! I asked why he didn't use it and he said he would and I could share the bed with Robbie. Uh no. I'd rather the air mattress.

While I fumed, the rest of the house (all except Tonya) were enjoying the clown show in the living room. I looked at the air mattress it had one of those plug in thingees that blow it up and you do nothing. I felt a little bad because it was obvious Weasil had gone to some expense. However, Tonya said I should throw out the clowns, air mattress and all, but I was feeling a little guilty. I know I shouldn't have and I did regret it later.

When everyone had gone to their nice comfy beds, I opened the air mattress and plugged in the air thing and watched as nothing happened. I unplugged it and then plugged it back in and still nothing. I forced meself to read the directions, and I had got it right but seemed I had a defective mattress. Oh goody. I pulled the tubes out of the mattress and got me bicycle pump. I tried to get the end of the nozzle on the last tube that was attached to the mattress but it wouldn't stay attached. I spent an hour looking for duct tape but couldn't find the roll. I was frustrated and angry so I did the only thing I could, I used the breath in me body to blow that stupid thing up and I will tell you I started at 11:45 and it was near 3 a.m. when I collapsed exhausted next to the inflated bed. I must have slept like that for 20 minutes before I revived. I flipped off the lights and flopping on the bed I closed me eyes and through me eyelids, I could see light and the light intensified. I opened me lids to a room jumping in an orange glow and it was getting brighter by the second.

"Wot the heck?" I said to no one and got up and looked out me window to what looked like a witches sabbath. There below me, the fire pit was aglow with tiki torches lit and there were the two miscreants drinking and dancing and raising general mayhem. Here look at this:

I know you can't see much of anything but me phone made this look like it was duller and further away than it was
I was pissed off I tell ya. I opened me window and shouted at them.

"Wot the hell are you doing?"

"Uhhh . . . it iz midsummer eve sos wez roasting marshymallows in celebration of da nightie. Why dun't ya join us." Weasil shouted up at me.

"It's 3 in the morning let that fire go out and shut it down." I whisper-yelled back and closed the window.

I lay meself back down when I was just starting to drift off and I hear, BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! I flew back to the window, the fire was dying down, and I could see the two miscreants next to Robbie's beaten up Mini Cooper.

"Wot are  you doing now?" I whisper-yelled at them.

"Fixing the dent in Robbie's car." Weasil whisper-yelled back.

"At this time of night? Well, stop it, if I can hear you me neighbours can hear you."

"OK," a rejected sound came drifting back.

I limped back to the mattress and stood looking down at it, no sheets, too lazy to get any, so I dragged me prized green blankie you made me out of the cedar chest where I had hidden it from Dragon, and like I was falling into a swimming pool I just glided through the air and BOOM onto the mattress which deflated totally. All that huffing and puffing for nothing! There I was lying on a quickly deflating mattress bed listening to the air rushing out! Go ahead laugh. I didn't find it funny instead I was too sick at heart to feel much of anything but lay there mad at me foolish self.

"What are you five yeas of age Gabe?" I asked meself listening to the last fizzles of air mattress life.

I forced meself up as the creepy feeling of the mattress starting to sandwich me, bought back some slamming memories of the first night in me new abode (See Don't Try This At Home -- for that matter don't try it PERIOD! 16 February 2015).  I got meself up and out of there fast so entanglement wouldn't commence. What to do? I went to the futon where me dog used to bed down and not thinking it wasn't she, I lay meself down in the dark, and put me arms around her (I thought it was her) only to be growled at. And it wasn't a good growl. I hastily sat up and slid me hand down the furred body to realise it was short haired and not me dog. I got up and switched on the lights. I had, in my worn out state, forgot about the coon hound. There he was looking up at me growling. Look at this:

You might think he;s laughing but he wasn't.
Feeling maligned all around I tore the pillow and blanket from under him and he tried to bite me. I stood there holding the pillow laughing at him.

"You're not quick enough!" I sneered. I realise in me awakened state that wasn't a great thing to have done, but too late and somehow I survived the pulling of the pillow and throw. 

I threw the pillow across the room thinking he'd go for it, but no, no he didn't. You see I had a method to me madness (sort of). What he did infuriated me more. Instead, he stretched back out and went to sleep. 

Look familiar? 
I took meself downstairs and made a cuppa. Rain had started and was pounding the windows and if ever there was more lonely a scene it was me, sipping steaming tea in the kitchen by meself at 4 a.m. Being sleep deprived, it was hard not to feel sorry for me injured self. Happy Fathers Day I whispered and lifting up me teacup for the toast found the chair I was sitting on disintegrating to the floor with me in it. In me sleepless state I had forgot that me mam had glued a kitchen chair that had arrived broken many years ago and we didn't throw away because I was always going to fix it. Yeah it took me mam's arrival for HER to fix it and well, now we could throw it out. 

I sat with scalding tea all over me chest (lucky for me I had on a fleece jacket so I wasn't burnt), but me backside was smarting more than me injured toes. I sat in that wet rubble for a good ten minutes contemplating me place on the totem pole of the O'Sullivan family. I had literally reached an all time low. How did that happen? Everyone including the house invaders were comfy in beds, even the visiting hound had a bed. How did this happen? Time for Gabriel Aloysius O'Sully to man up. 

The chair was splinters so I stuck it in the trash bin in the garage. I got me green blankie and re-hid it from the Dragon lady, stuffed the defective air mattress back in its bag and then roused the two clowns telling them it was 5 a.m. and they needed to leave. I told Weasil I didn't want the air mattress, he should use it (and I know he will and when he does, yup revenge will kick in) and it was with pleasure I watched the Mini Cooper pull slowly down the driveway. Where it would land next I had no clue but I was determined Fathers Day was mine!

And it was. I ended up on the couch, and slept the sleep of the dead until three kiddos came in with breakfast on a tray. How nice was that I ask ya? There was Lucky Charms without milk, a quarter glass of orange juice, some kind of mushed fruit and well it was the best breakfast ever. That is until Tonya came with another tray of eggs, rashers, toast and oh my God, Dragon's blood pudding which I fed to her beggar dog who would not leave me alone. He wanted the rashers but he didn't get any. It was pudding or nothing and the stupid thing ate it. Later he wasn't acting too crazy so I am assuming he had the dickey tummy I was supposed to have. Ha Ha Ha!

Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

16 June, 2015

Putting on daddy's shoes

Not a funny story, just one that made me proud of a little man's effort to fill his da's shoes

16 June 2015

R. Linda:

I was home not enjoying the gloom and the Bickersons (me mam and Tonya's) when I decided I'd had enough and would go outside even though it was raining lightly. One man can take just so much of two old ladies bickering about everything under the sun. They agree on nothing. So to be home with broken toes, trying to recuperate, and having to listen to the yammering, it gets on the nerves every single one of them until the last one is starting to vibrate and the anger is rising, and well you need to get out of Dodge.

I made the mistake of trying to put shoes on the broken foot and almost went through the roof. I knew they felt pinched but didn't know how much until I took a step. I threw them off looking for something waterproof since those were the only rain shoes I had. But there was nothing but me slippers and being it was a desperate time, desperate measures came into play and slapping those suckers on me battered feet, I took off for the porch.

Instantly upon exiting the house I was faced with the rain dilemma, no brolly. I forgot one, not thinking of needing one for God knows what reason I would think that, and me rain slicker was without the hood, so there I was getting rather wet. I stood there for a good five minutes before I forced meself back inside.

The two women didn't know I had gone missing even if it was only for five minutes. They had taken the argy bargy to another room which took me a few minutes to realise I had space to breathe and enjoy the semi silence. The only person in the room was the wee one and he had found me rain shoes and was busy putting them on.

I sat there in dripping slicker watching him. He thought he was alone and was hard at the task of trying to get those big boats on his feet. If he had known I was there he would have handed them to me for help, so to watch a not quite one year old try to figure out shoes was rather interesting, to me at least.

The struggle begins
He was sitting on the floor not contemplating the shoes, but handling them as if getting a feel for how heavy they were for someone his size. Then he bent a knee and slid a bare foot back towards him and put the shoe where his foot had been. Lifting the shoe straight up he slid his foot towards the shoe and found is foot went slightly to the side of the opening so he started grunting as he tried to fit the shoe opening to his foot instead of the other way round. This of course, made manoeuvring rather difficult. I almost jumped up to help him when he figured it out himself and moved his foot instead of the shoe and wham in it went! Well done I said silently.

He then tried to get up and had a bit of a time with that big shoe on his foot but he managed it. Happy with that he sat back down and was ready to put the other shoe on, but it was behind him. Up he struggled again, instead of reaching around, and once up right slid his shod foot backward, then the bare one and crouching down got hold of the other shoe and trying to pick it up from an angle, it was too heavy so he stood there a minute and then sat back down next to the errant shoe and dragged it to his other foot. Same process all over again and then it was two feet in and trying to stand up with both feet encased in boat sized shoes.

It was hard not to help him, but he did it! Not only did he do it, he leaned down picked up his duck billed hat and put that on ready to go.

Success! Thats my boy
Maybe because I am a dad, it was a big deal to see the little guy figure out shoes, even if they were way too big. But he did it and he got up, got on his hat and then started to shuffle around like an old dude very proud of himself even if he had nowhere to go and no one knew. Well, no one but me, but he didn't know that until he saw me and rewarded me with the biggest triumphant smile ever.

Just had to share that as a proud father.

Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

14 June, 2015

The damn dog, the fan and me foot!

14 June 2015

R. Linda:

In the scheme of things when one needs to slow down and does not, the Fates take over and make sure that one is slowed to a standstill when need be. This was me experience recently when it seemed I was running all over the place without taking a breath. I was out in the garden helping the wife with the new garden and if you think making a new garden is a joy you are looking at the wrong guy. THIS new garden is five times the size of the one Tonya lovingly had at the old abode. Because there is more cleared land, that makes for bigger garden -- that's her logic! Oh yeah.

Meanwhile, work had picked up and I be busier than ever and so the wife begrudgingly informed me she would make the new garden herself and of course, not to be out done on making me feel more guilty than I already did, her MOTHER (the Dragon), said she'd help. If you remember, I found a guy on that Internet list and he roto-tillered his toes. So as it turned out, I ended up doing it all meself.

I'd come home from work, find dinner was not on the table because now I had two resident cooks on me hands (her mother, my mother) who argued over what to serve and how to prepare it. That only left me to get out of the line of fire by making the garden. This went on for a week and a half of me at work, home to make garden, then in exhausted, to a dinner that was always weird because the two resident cooks insisted on adding salt where there wasn't any called for, or sugar where you'd least expect it, and the arguing needed an arbitrator (me), and by the time things were settled in the kitchen the two oldsters moved it to the living room to argue over the remote, AND THEN it was time to help Tonya get the kids bathed and in bed, stories read, and me going to me home office to finish up some work, and then to bed and the next day the same old same old. Take a breath Gabe, I tell ya!

I wasn't gaining weight from the meals that were being conglomerated on me plate at night, and any calories I did gain, went with the garden work. To say I was on the run down side, would be a great way of putting it. I knew I had to stop, to take a day off, but because the two old ladies were in me adobe I knew that was not a good idea. I couldn't go on holiday and leave the wife and kiddos so what did I do? I continued on as before running meself ragged.

Then it happened. Everything came together like a car crash. I came home, went to the garden, then to the table wondering what the hell I was being served, after bathing kiddos, getting them in pyjamas, the doorbell rang and who was on me doorstep but Robbie Kincaid, the better half of the Weasil/Kincaid Side Show. After getting meself worked up that the Weasil was somewhere about, I finally believed the big Scot that he was alone. He needed a place to crash said he.

I was all the time asking him how he found me. I did not forward me new address but after five times of me begging to know how he knew he told me Weasil had told him. Of course! That's how knackered I was because ordinarily I'd have surmised that on me own. I had no place to put his fat arse, but I needn't worried, Dragon gave him her room and she would sleep with Tonya, leaving me to sleep on the floor somewhere. I was pissed off I was, but made the best of a bad situation by waiting until nearly 2 a.m. for everyone to go to bed so I could camp out on the living room sofa. Tonya had wanted to buy a sleeper sofa way back when and I said no, because I didn't want an extra bed for unwanted guests. Well, I ended up being a guest in me own abode!

Finally, as comfy as I could get, I lay meself on the sofa and tried to sleep but it was warm. Not warm enough for the house AC, but warm a fan would do the trick. I got one, one of those stander ones. Oh here let me take a photo of me nemesis.

The culprit lying in wait for the unsuspecting sleeper
After I had set up the fan I took a sleeping draught because I KNEW I'd get no sleep on that couch. The dog thought I was a great dog bed and she'd be on top of me or next to me and we know sleep would be elusive! As to the coon hound THAT was ensconced next to its mistresses bed. Or so I thought.

The hum of the fan and the sleep medicine lulled me to sleep as uncomfortable as I was with me feet hanging off the end of the sofa, dog on top followed by cat sometime during the night on me head. And how did I know the cat was there, she was grooming my hair with her claws, that's how I knew! It was about 3:00 in the morning that damnable coon hound let out three loud woofs by me head. This had me nearly jumping out of me skin it did. I got up looking around in the dark, not sure where I was and stupid me moved around as if looking for an intruder, when mostly asleep I walked smack into the fan which . . . I did hear humming but being not awake was unmindful to its whereabouts or mine, whichever the case might have been. And when I did walk into that fan I walked into it! I mean I really walked into it like there was nothing there. I broke me little toe I did, and fractured the one next to it and a whole lot of little bones in me foot. The ball of me foot under the big toe is swollen way out I can't put on a shoe. Here look at this!

The little swollen toe attached to the swollen foot was originally sticking out at a right and painful angle
Yes, I did a number on meself. Being not quite awake I knew if I woke any further up I'd be feeling pain, so I did the unthinkable I made me way to the powder room, dragging me injured foot, and in the dark found a wash cloth, ran it under cold water (because I was too lazy to go to the kitchen for ice and I didn't want to wake up anymore than I was for the pain). I limped back to the sofa, this time mindful of the fan, and as I put the cold cloth to me tootsies I realised one of them was sticking out at a right angle. THAT got me to turn on the light and what I saw had me swooning. The little toe was sticking straight out to the right of me foot, the toe next to it was leaning in the same direction but not so violently. I quickly turned the light out, threw the wet cloth over the smarting members and went back to sleep.

Next day me foot was yellow, green, blue, purple, black and very swollen. I of course could not step on it, let alone walk. I was given a crutch by the Dragon who comes prepared because of her knees. The crutch was too short so I used it like a cane to hobble around. She made me put a sock on the foot she said, to keep the little toe in place, but in reality I think it was so she didn't have to look at it.

I ended up at doctors who told me I dislocated me toes, fractured  small bones in the foot and broke the pinkie toe. He did not recommend surgery, but told me to ice, ice, ice and keep the foot elevated and he told to me to buy a special kind of elastic support sock to keep the toe in place. He didn't think it severe enough to split, or operate on or put a metal rod in it, OUCH.

So a few days go by, I am able to step on it, but still can't walk without howling in pain. The veins are still popped way out. It now looks like this:

Colours are not as dark, the swelling is still prominent but hey at least the toes are in place
I blame it on the coon hound. Yes, I do. He had no clue I was sleeping on at the sofa and when he came upon me he thought me an intruder and thus the ear drum shattering barking in me face that woke me up with a start and had me standing up in a dither, and slamming me foot into the fan I forgot was there. Yes, it was all his fault!

Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

30 May, 2015

New Photo of Yours Truly

30 May 2015

R. Linda:

I have so far changed up me profile pictures twice as the years passed on. I think the two Halloween costumes that graced me profile were me two favs. Being Captain Hook was a hoot and then Sherlock O'Sullivan was a blast. But now, it is time to switch it up and get a new pic on the blog. My fascination with Sherlock has made me think Moriarty be me next persona.

It not being Halloween, I had to think how to disguise meself in public for the new photo, as Moriarty be a shadowy figure. Me wife came up with the perfect place, time and PHOTO! I did manage to wear a black shirt because Moriarty be a dark character and well, the photo shows me not reading a Conan Doyle novel but a menu which fits me more.

I don't think you will be disappointed with me updated pic. SO without further ado here is the new blog photo of yours truly! How do I look?

Me wife tagged this photo with the title TYPICAL -- So what ya think?

Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

29 May, 2015

This is a doozy AND there is at least one picture in it

29 May 2015

R. Linda:

It must be the season for picking up other peoples mail, dog sitting, and Memorial Day sales!

Let's start with the sales. Tonya heard that the best time of year for buying appliances is Memorial Day. SO she got it into her head when we first moved in the abode that all the white appliances (that worked perfectly fine) had to go because they were an eyesore when one has a black granite counter top. I have to agree, black appliances would look nicer BUT! Come on I said, we will replace them as they get old.

No, no, the BIG sale was coming so we had to go at least and LOOK. I knew look wasn't the true word, BUY was. I was hauled off to many different appliance stores in an attempt to wear me down and it worked, by the time we got to the last store I would have bought everything. We did find that every store where the appliances WE wanted to buy were on sale, were not that good, wouldn't last a year, had major issues, etc., BUT this one that costs triple what the one YOU want is listed for is GUARANTEED to last for YEARS. Oh sure it is! Well, we took an upgrade on the stove, but we refused to budge on the refrigerator and dishwasher. If we would at least upgrade on the fridge, they'd throw in a free wine chiller. NO THANK YOU. I could buy one for what the upgrade would cost me, so NO!

Tonya was happy she had her appliances, my wallet was quite a bit lighter, but I will say we did save big on everything, or at least I thought so until later. We bought from one big box store so we were insured fast delivery, but guess what? No installation. They don't do that anymore so find someone. Great, by the time you find a serviceman, you are paying triple for the service so where was the savings, I want to know. I left that small detail to Tonya, because me old neighbour rang me up to ask if I'd pick up his mail while he went on a Viking Cruise to Prague and beyond. Must be nice to be retired.

I told him I'd be happy to, it was on me way home. I will say I did not expect to be picking up the mail and the sugar ants at the same time. I opened his mailbox the first day of me mail pick up to find some kiddo had put a half sucked on hard candy in the old fella's mailbox (with the flag up just for shites and giggles). I saw the mailman had stacked the mail on one side of the mailbox to avoid the sticky gooey mess. I got the mail and had some of the baby wipes from the youngest in me car, so I swept the candy out and closed the box.

Then I went home to find that Dragon had her dog shipped up from New Jersey. But the dog arrived one day before she went on a trip to Vermont with the elderly ladies travel club she belongs to. She found out they had a trip from Jersey to northern Vermont scheduled and would be coming her way to get there, so she was hopping the tour bus from here! How nice I thought, to be rid of her for five days. Of course, I do wonder what there is to do in Vermont for five days! Anyway, I came home to the most spastic dog I'd ever seen in me life. This animal she acquired after Hurricane Katrina. It was one of the dogs that was rescued and never found by its owner. I know warm touching story and isn't the Dragon lady so warm hearted for adopting the hound. Yes, she has adopted the hound from hell. It is a hunting dog, so it wants to run and it thinks it is a horse, it rears up to its full height of 6' when anyone comes in the room and it has a bark that is a deep WOUFFFF that near shatters eardrums. In the south this thing is called a Red Coon Hound and we have lots of raccoons up here so the barking is constant at night when those critters are out by the pond after our fish. Forget the full moon the howling goes on non-stop.

Not only is this hound unpleasant vocally and socially (has no doggy manners), it thinks it owns the joint. Me Red and White Setter be sulking that her abode has been invaded by this intruder from Louisiana and she does not like it. She has a futon couch she sleeps on at night, but no not anymore. The hound, named Banjo has taken her couch over. Lookie here as they say down in 'Orleans.

Yup stretches himself down the entire length of the couch and is happy about it too.

He thinks there is nothing wrong with taking over, but when a thunderstorm comes, the good times begin! Let me tell ya. He fits his big self into the dark space between me bedroom and the guest room where he thinks he is invisible. I can't get into me room for his blocking me way. He whines like Armageddon be on its way right to where we live.

So all was well the first night of the new house guest (and I use that term very loosely), but when his mistress left for the wilds of Vermont he turned into a real bugger he did. Not only had he taken over me own dog's territory and took her toys, her bones (no matter he had his own), he head butted her out of his way or ran her over, or pushed her so he could get a treat first. Not to mention he is like a vacuum he wolfs down his food and then goes for hers. She be a dainty eater, when she gets to eat.  He also had an annoying habit of nosing and tonguing his way along the counter and table tops slurping up what was not there. You'd think he hadn't been feed in years the way he was so food oriented, just like his owner, SHE never missed a meal. I was putting up with this insanity for three days when Tonya asked me to take a day off to wait for the delivery of all the new appliances she had put me in the poor house to buy. Oi. Me mam was there but no, she had no clue when it came to "deliverin' machinery" which I told her it wasn't machinery per se' it was appliances -- the very thing she used everyday in that kitchen, but no, no, she wasn't going to be "responsible" for the placement and "wot have you." I did end up taking the last three days of the week off and must say it would have been pleasant being the Dragon was not around, but for her dog that was.

The nonsense started as I was sipping me morning cuppa and Banjo sat 5' away watching every sip I took. I picked up me toast and started putting jam on it and I could hear the audible licking of his teeth with his tongue. I happened to look over and he was focused on me like a target, the drool dripping to the floor. I shook me head, took a bite and watched the hound's head move with the toast. I tell ya! I finally turned me back on him, but that was a mistake because I soon felt a wet tongue licking the bit of jam that fell on me barefoot. Gross, gross, gross! No matter how much I yelled at him he'd disappear and then magically reappear. I couldn't eat anything in peace AND he had already had his food before I got mine!

I had two hours before delivery so I took off to the old neighbourhood to pick up me old neighbour's mail. This time when I opened the mailbox, the mail was jammed all the way to the back and where the sticky goo had been was thousands of sugar ants. I was not happy having to reach back to get that mail, but I did it. I saw one cardboardy piece of junk mail and I used that to swipe the ants out. Only problem was, they were far enough back me quick swipes were dispersing them all over the box, the ground, the mail and ME!

Okay I don't like creepy crawly things and sugar ants are no exception. They are tiny beings I'll give you that but they remind me of fleas so -- GROSS! What to do right? There I was stamping on them and dancing around, trying to brush meself off at the same time as people drove by, slowing down to look at me with open mouths like they thought I was having a fit on the side of the road. It was terribly embarrassing, and took a few minutes before I realised I had an audience. I got in me car pronto, ant hanger-ons and all and drove off until I realised I had ants crawling up me arms and fleeing the mail on the seat to other parts of me car. I pulled into a car wash and tried to vacuum them out of me car and then off me until some woman rolled down her window and told me that "if you got bugs you need to bathe more often!" Oi!!!

Here look at before and after:

You can just make out the goop on the right of the picture with ants crawling all over. 
Then I sprayed, but still not totally successful. See here:

Buggers were still there, not as many but still!
I drove home feeling like the little buggers were crawling all over me when they probably weren't. I was thinking about the delivery and the annoying hound. Where to put him I wondered. If I tied him outside he'd be rearing like a horse and barking. Though once home I found I didn't have to worry about any of that, the delivery was delayed so it would be the next day they "thought". Oh goody. I was extremely irritated with the shipping company, what if I only had the one day off? And they didn't call to tell me they weren't coming until three hours into the arrival time. Who does that?

"Who knoes how long they will be here if they doo shoe oop," me little Irish mam said.

Thanks mam. That be a great help. So next day, same thing, more ants, me avoiding them this time and getting that mailbox slammed shut once I had the mail. Then I'd examine it hoping it looked to passersby like I was sifting through me mail which I was in a way, not for bills but for ants. I know you think I be crazy, I do too because it wasn't my mail or my bills or ants!

I get back to see the delivery truck is already unloading and guess what? The refrigerator doesn't fit. THIS after we had taken everything out of the old one. Or, I should say me mam did in a hurried fit because suddenly there she was with deliverymen, two barking dogs, and notta clue what to do. Like she never had modern conveniences before. I tell ya the woman!

So THAT appliance had to go back for a smaller size, OK then. The rest of it was put in place, the white ones taken away and that was that except we had to put all the melting food back in the old fridge. Why can't things be easy? I want to know the answer please.

I rang up Tonya told her what happened, she seemed a wee bit disappointed about the fridge, but was all chatty that she found some guys on Greg's List to come install everything else.

"Greg's List?" I asked sceptical. For sure! They were the cheapest she could find, and hey we were doing a good turn being me and me mam were immigrants from Ireland these guys were immigrants too but not from Ireland they were from someplace else she couldn't remember. Oh boy.

"They will be there at 7 a.m. tomorrow," said she.

"Why so early?"

"The guy told me they were building a rabbit hutch for their rabbits so . . . "

Honestly, I don't know how she does it. Where she finds these people I don't really want to ask too much anymore, I never like the answer. Rabbits? I did ask if they raise rabbits and she said no, she didn't think they raised them for sale but for hunting. The man had told her they "got gun, let robbit loose go kill an eat."

Uh huh. I thought she was pulling my leg UNTIL I met them. No they were raising rabbits to let loose and then waiting a few minutes go hunting to eat them. I was thinking I was having a nightmare and not awake. On top of this me last day off I'd be getting up at me normal time I would for work to wait for the rabbit killers to come and install my appliances. Never mind I would be getting everyone's breakfast going, feeding cat and dogs, getting those outside, and trying to get dressed in the bargain.

Well, the guys from Greg's List arrived right on the dot and eyed the pot of coffee and the scones so my wife offered them some and they sat down to breakfast as she and kiddos went out the door. I was shocked but had nothing better to do but sit down and try to tell them what I needed done, but they were too busy asking for more coffee and scones and would it be "trooble to get egg too?" I felt like a short-order cook. Eggs? They had the nerve to ask ME to cook THEM eggs, my eggs. They were on the clock they had told Tonya, so I was paying for them to sit around and wait for ME to cook eggs while they leisurely munched on scones and sipped me morning joe! NO WAY. I instead told them we were on the clock (I pointed at me wristwatch) and I needed to get to work, but that didn't fly because me mam (not exactly awake) informed me "this be yer day off." Thank you mam.

An idea struck me and I excused meself because I said, the dogs need come in and so I unleashed the Dragon hound first and then me own who is nothing compared to the Banjo dog. Right away dog slobber was all over the two of them as they fought the hound off who was rearing and jumping and barking and licking, and it was the promise of them getting to work I'd get the dogs put up.

The stove went in, no problem, the dishwasher . . . problem. They went to the basement to "figure woter system for whokup."

"They are Pootins." Me mam whispered to me.

"They are wot?" I was confused.

"Pootins. Roossians. The accent."

"Ohhh," I said realising that yes, the accent was familiar like Uncle Boris. Oi!

Meanwhile, I had shut the hound in the guest room and the setter in the kiddos room. They were barking tandem and making such noise I was sure me neighbours (who none live close) could hear them. The scratching at the doors had me mam telling me they would be ruining the wood and I would have to put them out. Easier said than done. Foolish me got the two of them somehow on leashes and they took me flying down the stairs and to the basement door where they both wanted at the workers. I managed to pull them out the backdoor and got my dog on the long leash but the hound had other ideas and pulled me to the open bulkhead where he was determined to drag me down the stairs to get those men. I tell ya I still hurt from muscles in places I didn't know I had!

It was three hours later and the Russians were still at it in the basement. The dogs had dug up pretty much most of the backyard trying to get to the bulkhead, me mam was clicking her tongue over the long gouges the dogs had made in the two doors, and I was panting from the exertion still of leashing up dogs. I yelled down and asked them what seemed to be the trouble and they told me they were trying to figure out the water connection. Oh boy.

Meanwhile, the hippie Tonya hired (also from Greg's List) showed up unannounced to rotor till the patch of vegetable garden Tonya had over the weekend (when I wasn't home) asked him get ready for her garden. He had no shirt on, but he did have a bandanna wrapped around his blond locks to keep them out of his eyes, a pair of homespun trousers and no shoes. Nope not even a sandal. It wasn't three minutes into the tilling I hear me mam calling me for a first aid kit. Yeah you can guess what happened. I be surprised he didn't loose all his freaking hippy toes! He nicked one so that was dressed and bandaged, and he had to go home because the shock was just too much for him in one day. Begorrah me!

Four hours into water connection, the Russians still at it, and I was starting to get worried.

Now five hours into water hookup or whokup I was about to go down and tell them they were done when one of them came up soaking wet with a huge smile to tell me we had "connection" and turn the dishwasher on. I was not wanting to. You know five hours of fiddling around down there, one soaking wet, the other one missing (sort of) and we are talking electric and water for God's sake. Yes, I was afraid I'd be electrocuted if I touched the thing, but me mam made it hard for me to refuse by calling me things like wimp, scardycat, etc. I didn't see her touching the dishwasher though.

The two of them came up out of the cellar with their tools and probably mine, and told me they hoped it would drain okay. What? I was thinking I didn't hear them correctly. They were talking bill and sidestepping me asking WHAT ABOUT THE DRAIN OR LACK THEREOF I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT. I wrote them out a check (I don't remember the amount because I was thinking what did they do?) and they turned the thing off and said to turn it on again later to see if it worked.

"Oh I will be ringing you up it doesn't." I said as they flew out the door.

I started the thing again and it seemed to be working. I had to take a shower, I was full of dog slobber and so off I went. I turned on me faucet to get a cup of water to brush me teeth and nothing happened. I stood there listening to air groaning through the pipes. Hum. I turned on the shower and the usually good water pressure came pouring out with the intensity of Niagara Falls. There was nothing to do but jump into the falls and worry about the faucet later. While in the shower I could hear the hound barking up a storm which made me think there was trouble. I would turn the water off and listen and hear nothing. I'd turn the falls back on and battle to catch me breath and hear that stupid animal barking. I rushed through the shower and towelled off to quiet. I got dressed and went downstairs to find the mother of mine sitting in the kitchen with a cuppa, the dishwasher on dry cycle and the hound scratching at the cellar door.

"Ee's been dooin' dat da whole time." She muttered.

Sighing heavily I opened the cellar door and thought it looked shiny down there. I turned on the light and I now have a swimming pool in me basement. Enough said don't ya think? Of course when I told me mam what was down there, she said, "See spies for Pootin."

Yeah never mind. You don't know how much I be looking forward to work tomorrow. Let Tonya handle this new mess. But wait, one more thing. I had to go pick up Dragon at the bus station, hence the shower. Me mam pleads with me to take her hound with me, I didn't want to do it, but ended up doing it anyway. You ever drive with a large animal jumping from the front seat to the back and throwing slobber on you each time? It isn't fun I can tell ya that much. So I go to the station and she be waiting, I put the luggage in the boot of the car, get her ample self in the passenger side and off we go.

So I be driving home and Dragon starts wiggling in her seat. Her dog is in the back seat scratching himself which has her wondering if MY dog gave him fleas. REALLY? I did notice a small sugar ant on me arm but I made like I was stretching and flipped it on Dragon.  Before long the two of them were scratching, and I be trying to ignore them both. By the time we got home they were both in spasms of itching and with Dragon's poor eyesight she is certain she sees fleas on her.

I be about to get the hose to blast the "fleas" away before I will let either one of them in me abode. Yup.

Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

Where are the blog photos? I will tell you where they are!

29 May 2015

R. Linda:

I have me followers writing asking "where did the pictures go?" And since I be getting tired of writing each one individually I be doing the public service announcement, so here it be:


I know, I know, my bad.

If you want a story with the pictures write me and I will put them back though that will be time consuming on me end (doesn't matter there are 773 posts), but for me faithful 19 and missing 20 I will do it. It will kill me though and take away hammock time, but if you really, really, really must HAVE the photos in a fav story I will drag meself in here and set it to rights.


Your lazy leader,
Gabriel Aloysius O'Sullivan

Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved

16 May, 2015

A Day In The Life

16 May 2015

R. Linda:

Yesterday morning was me day off. I was going to sleep in when at 6 a.m. I hear "You son of a bitch get out of here now or I swear I will do something drastic!" Of course, I dreamt that in me sleep or so I thought and then I heard, "Oh yeah and I'll call the police and what will YOU do?"

I opened one eye and the room was grey from the dawn light and Tonya was fast asleep and the dog was curled by me side of the bed looking up at me as if to say, yeah I heard that too.

"You try it Bozo you just try it and see what happens."

No, I was really hearing shouting and as I looked at the clock another outburst rang out and the dog growled as if saying she didn't want to be disturbed either. I finally realised it was me neighbours five acres away. The air was still, me window on that side of the house was open and I was hearing them argue. It stopped eventually with a door slamming and tyres grinding at top speed down the driveway. By that time I was not getting back to sleep so I got up, made breakfast, coffee, and cleaned up until the house was up.

I decided (being wide awake) to help get the kiddos off to school and I tell ya it was a trial. I know mornings are hectic with two of us trying to get ready to go to work and the three kiddos getting ready to go off to school and daycare. I told Tonya to go on I would take kiddo duty so she could enjoy a cup of fresh Joe and not have to gulp it down. Famous last words.

I had one spazo on me hands, that be baby who has developed an alter-ego we call Georgie. The reason he is called Georgie is because I had a cousin Georgie who was the image of the cute blond, blue-eyed babe but underneath all that "cute" was a demon of a child. His middle name was Trouble it was. He couldn't keep out of that muck no matter how much his parents threatened him with all sorts of diabolical punishments. He was the first of our family to run away from home. Yes, and he did it with typical Georgie panache, at the tender age of 10 he hopped a railroad car and made his way from Wicklow to Dublin! Yes, he did.

Well, it doesn't take much imagination or thought to know when young George was returned to his rightful abode, he was in the doggie house big time. He was grounded until the age of 60 his ma said and his da immediately enrolled young George in a boarding school to be taught what being on ones own really means when one is the "new kid" and friendless. It did not take long for young George to turn it all around and find a way to steal his peers homework, thus achieving academic stardom the easy way. Not only that he had a system of blackmailing the younger students into handing over any and all goodies sent to them by their caring families, and turning around and selling the said goods to the older students who coveted what they did not have. I tell ya.

When George was graduated with honours and released from the said boarding school, he turned a page and became a farmer! Oh yes he did, forget academic promise he bought a used tractor and some acres that came along with a run down farm house and there he was, Farmer George.  His parents were not proud.

I lost track of cousin Georgie, but he amazingly reappeared as he possessed me youngest son. We would have head banging on the floor to which one thought the child in fit of temper would suffer concussion. The worse of the head banging (in which he propelled his arched upper body hard backward into the back of the hard wood highchair he was sitting in), was the sound of the whack his head made on hardwood. This often as not happened when our youngest was in a fit of temper. Why and how he knew to do this distressing action I have notta clue. Neither of his brothers ever attempted to whack their heads on anything hard (and this done dozens of time in succession on his part), therefore, I don't know where he learned it unless there was someone in daycare that exhibited same.

So it turned out Georgie was out in force spazing on me, head banging on the pine floor boards screaming at the top of his lungs. This, after I went up to his crib to get him, to find he had stripped himself of his onesie AND his nappy, and was bouncing around the crib throwing everything he could out of it. I somehow waded through a sea of stuffed animals and got him in a clean nappy and jeans, before he kicked me in the mouth and I put him down for a minute to get a Kleenex. He took the opportunity to go crawling backwards down the stairs at a hundred miles an hour shirtless. When I caught up to him he was not letting me get the shirt over his head for the head banging on the floor. Me mam told me to ignore him which is pretty hard to do when you are in fear the child will cause himself brain damage. The dragon lady, me mother-in-law was all for picking him up and hugging and kissing him as if that behaviour never happened. I saw it as a reward to keep doing that kind of thing, and told them both their suggestions weren't within me realm of possibility, so I continued to fight to get that shirt over his head as he screamed at the top of his bloody lungs.

Finally, I got our Georgie in his chair where he continued to head-bang until I got his oatmeal in front of him. He was quiet for a minute as he picked up his plastic baby spoon, and then looked at me with slits for eyes and while still watching me watch him, he let the spoon scoop up a large spoonful of the porridge and then he flung it in me direction. Before I could wipe the stuff off, he had thrown the spoon on the floor and picked up the plastic bowl (yes, we know not to give him breakable anything) and threw the bowl and contents on the floor where the dog was happy to clean up on aisle five.

I left his care to me mam while I told me middle child to go and brush his teeth and comb his hair and when I saw the older one I took pause. His shirt was buttoned wrong and for an 8 year old I was rather stunned. I told him the problem, "one side is longer than the other," but he couldn't see there was a problem and for a good 3 minutes we went back and forth. Finally, I unbuttoned his shirt and re-buttoned it correctly. No sooner had I done THAT I turned around to see the middle child with hair dripping.

"What did you do?" I asked him.

"I wet my hair in da sink and combed it." He said smugly.

"It is dripping down your face, your chin, your shirt, the floor," I pointed out.

"Iz okay." Said he and off he went leaving me a puddle to clean up.

What kind of kids do I have? One spaz, one can't button his shirt to save his life, and one who thinks putting his hair under the sink and combing it without towelling is acceptable.

Off they all went to school, the two older ones walked to then end of the driveway and the little one me Mam offered to drop off if dragon lady would do the breakfast cleanup. She agreed which meant she'd rearrange the kitchen and we would never find anything ever again.

I left holding me head to sit down and veg by meself in the living room. I hadn't sat down for more than a minute I hear SLURP SLURP SLURP and I realised after a moment it was the dog drinking water, but then I realised the dog dish was in the kitchen, not the hallway. El Stupido was drinking out of the toilet bowl that one of the kiddos had left the seat up. We put the seat down expressly because of that. I was so grossed out to find the dog had drunk the toilet dry! Now beside meself I took meself outside to the back deck where I had left a grill I had bought to put together.

Have you priced grills? They start at a whooping $500 and go up into the thousands. AND they last a total of one year. I wasn't about to invest in something that expensive that would last me one season. SO I went to Ocean State Job Lots for the first time. It is an inexpensive Walmart as I see it. Right as I walked into this mecca of Chinese goods the first thing in me sight line was the grills. I bought this one:

Looks good now!
There I stood looking down at the box. No tools necessary, everything needed to construct grill was in box. OK I decided no time like now so I got the box opened and found pieces that didn't look like a grill but okay it said piece A gets attached to pieces B and C. Sounded simple enough. I found the key wrench and the plastic knobs and the wheels and well . . . it looked easy. Guess what? It wasn't. Nothing lined up! I was very frustrated after five minutes so after thirty you can imagine how I was. Dragon, meanwhile, had watched this show of mine from the kitchen window and was snickering (I could hear her). After another twenty minutes of me cursing for real and kicking things, I hear a car door open and close and there is this oriental man smiling at me as he came up the deck stairs.

"I hear you need hep wit grill." He said putting out a hand and introducing himself.

It seemed Dragon had befriended him at the only Chinese Restaurant in me area. His name was Chang and he was very nice and very much ready to pitch in.

"I can't get this lined up," I said showing him me problem.

"Oh no Chinnie grill line up straight," he laughed, "you see Chinnie letter writing? It not straight either."

"O K," I didn't know if I should join in the humour or be more humble.

"Here let me do." He took the parts from me and started getting them together as if they were aligned which they were not.

"There, see you jus fass it." He smiled. "That how you line up paahts."

"I see," I said, but not really seeing at all. But he forced the parts to align and while I struggled to hold them steady he used the wrench to tighten them up.

"Now you have Chinnie shiny grill!" Broad smile at me as we both stood back to admire the completed grill.

"Thank you." I said truly humble and feeling the complete idiot. I didn't feel that for long because Dragon came out when all was said and done and made me feel the TOTAL idiot.

"He isn't mechanically inclined," she pointed at me as she regaled Chang with horror stories of Mr. Fixit Not. I left them to go in and brew us coffee, all the while wondering if I should have made tea instead. But all I had was Bewleys no Oolong. But then I realised after working with Ms. Jaio I didn't want to insult him if he was from another tea province. She drank Houkui tea because she was brought up on it. She be from Huang Shan where that particular tea be made. It was no big deal to Mr. Chang, he was good with coffee and a scone with jam. I worry needlessly sometimes to be politically correct and notice Mr. Chang wasn't very politically correct, he was having fun at me expense making fun of Chinese products.

The gist of this grill business be that I reckon it would cost me $500+ for a grill I'd get one season or maybe two. This way me paying $120 I get probably two seasons at not even half the cost. I won't have to send for parts or any of the $500+ parts needed, instead I'll just go buy another one at $120.00!

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