24 March, 2017

A Glutton for Punishment

24 March 2017
855

R. Linda:

Yeah, I know I said I wasn't going to anymore kiddie fund raisers, but this wasn't exactly a fund raiser though I lost three bucks on the attending. Me eldest came home all excited he was running a carnival booth. It is math week, and the school was putting on a math carnival, where the children run booths that you have to figure the math in order to win a prize. Seems like simple in and out and home we go, and an hour of yelling kiddos was better than the four and half I had on the pizza and movie excursion.

I said, yes, I'd love to attend. Yeah I know I didn't give it much thought, I was thinking an hour of children silently trying to figure out math equations, counting on fingers or worse, calculating on their cell phones at each booth and it wouldn't be so noisy or hyper as there were no soft drinks and candy. Well, I was wrong and it was too soon after the Monday night fiasco to attend another. I need to recuperate at least a week not a few days in order to steel meself for the next chaotic kiddie show.

The eldest had stayed after school to set up his math booth so the rest of us piled in the car (me Mam being the only holdout, but we dragged her along kicking and screaming anyway, poor soul), and arrived at the designated hour 6 p.m. Getting out of the car was fine, we met other parents we knew and inside we all went thinking easy-peasy, one hour and we were out. Well, as soon as I opened the school door to let everyone through (yes, I was the doorman yet again), I could hear shouting of excited kiddos and out of the corner of me eye, there were some running about chasing each other. Oh boy, here we go AGAIN.

Once inside we found it rather crowded which surprised me, but it was nice for the kids running the carnival to have a good turnout. Parents were standing around in groups chatting, small wee ones including our youngest chasing around, the middle one with friends visiting the math booths and yelling out any answer that came to their heads, and general chaos ensued.

The supervising teachers were dressed as clowns so recognising ones I knew was a bit difficult. The kiddos running the booths seemed to not care if their contestants got the answer right or wrong, they were enjoying being in charge. We went up on the stage that overlooked the floor where all the booths were to find there was a refreshment stand with candy and popcorn for sale and a few additional booths being run by two teachers in clown disguise.

All of me brood had me buy them cotton candy and I didn't want to because I was taking them out for dinner after, and wasn't wanting to feed them pure sugar and wire them up anymore than they already were. BUT to keep them from acting up in front of everyone I caved. I know pushover me.

The fact be that the wee one (when he doesn't get his way) becomes his alter-ego, Georgie and OMG. Georgie was a cousin of me wife's. He was the cutest little angel as a child and one look at that tow head with those big blue eyes and you'd think choir music would waft through the air. BUT Georgie was anything but angelic, he was a demon in disguise, dressed in a guise you'd never think could be so disruptive. He ran away at the tender age of ten (I think I told you this story) and took a railroad car to another town. Yup, me youngest has inherited the Georgie gene he has. And the last thing I wanted was Georgie in a restaurant.

Well, the wee one ran directly into a preschool buddy and they bummed heads causing the buddy to howl at the top of his lungs and mine to run away and hide. We found him behind a heavy-set clown and had to console him that it was an accident and though he wasn't hurt, his friend was feeling the blow and would be fine . . . eventually. The middle one Guido, had a fistful of tickets and where he got them I have notta clue as he is not the mathematical whiz his older brother is. We couldn't sort that out as he was not forthcoming until he later told us he had collected all the tickets that others had dropped on the floor. So at the end of the night he was the big winner of the single prize offered for the most tickets gathered for answering correctly at each both. I tell ya, that Guido is going to be something else when he gets older!

The elder, O'Hare was very happy with the booth running but a bit annoyed we didn't come over to play his game. We were told it was for the kiddos only, otherwise we would have. As it was we didn't get to speak with him because he was busy running the game. Who knew? So all of us except Guido and the wee head banger were in the doggy house. Oh and Mam had the excuse she didn't have her glasses and couldn't see. Right, O'Hare's booth had huge round circles and multiplication, division, addition and subtraction signs that you'd have be totally blind not to see. But he believed her. She's as bad as Guido telling him she came over but she couldn't see!

Here are a few shots of the carnival:

Upper stage where we were 'hiding'
Nearing the end
After ward, and promptly at 7 p.m. we headed out of noise central and got into the car with two tired kiddos, the eldest and the youngest along with Mam and headed out to the small town over for dinner at a place that reminds me of an Irish pub but is a small corner eatery across from the river. Here is a lovely picture of the river dam.

Picturesque huh? 
So because O'Hare had eaten pizza at school he wasn't hungry but he'd have dessert. This started a ruckus of sorts with his two younger siblings not wanting proper dinner but ice cream sundaes on a colder than north pole night. Their mother told them if they ate their dinner then they could have dessert. We ordered and it looked quite weird all of us with dinner plates and the eldest with the biggest ice cream sundae I'd ever seen. This caused a patron on her way out to stop at our table and ask him if there was a special occasion like maybe his birthday that he was getting ice cream and not eating his dinner. Oh boy. Tonya (who had a mouthful of salad) took exception I could see as she turned to look at the "intruder and self-proclaimed dinner police." I cut in quickly because I could see the windup coming and well, we didn't need a scene. I jovially informed the dinner policewoman that he'd already eaten so that was that and off she went. By that time Tonya had swallowed her bite and could have made a challenge about nosey parkers not minding their business, but I was fast and was able to nip that in the bud. She sat there steaming over it, I tell ya!

The bit that made me night though happened as we were placing orders. Tonya had stopped at a table to talk to someone she knew while we decided to order up drinks and crayons before ordering food. But she was taking so long and Mam was at her wits end trying to entertain the kiddos that I went ahead and started to order their food at least and I was glad I did that because the waitress food police was in attendance and if Tonya didn't like the patron's noticing what O'Hare was eating she wouldn't have been too thrilled with our waitress.

"What would you like?" The waitress asked O'Hare.

"A sweet tooth sundae, three scoops of vanilla ice cream, caramel topping, nuts with whipped cream and a cherry."

"No, I mean for dinner what would you like to order?" She said.

He explained he had already eaten and no, he didn't want an appetiser, could he just have the sundae please. Well, ok but if he changed his mind, etc., etc., etc. He did know that a hardy dinner would help a growing boy like himself. Yudda, yudda, yudda!

"And what will you have?" She asked Guido after the healthy eating lecture.

"I'll . . . I'll . . . I'll . . . "

"Really dere?" Mam said to him exasperated. "Dere be grilled cheese like ya like, hot dogs, hamburgers, pizza."

"I'll have . . ., I'll have . . . uhhhhhh." Guido said looking at the ceiling and not the menu.

"Grilled cheese, he'll have da grilled cheese sandwich wit french fries." Mam said frustrated.

"Is that what you want?" I asked him.

"Yup." He said unfazed.

"And the little guy here, what would you like?" The waitress asked.

And the best part of me night was his answer.

"A banana."

Yup an ice cream sundae, a grilled cheese sanny and a banana.

Gabe
Copyright © 2017 All rights reserved

21 March, 2017

How to be driven crazy within minutes

21 March 2017
854

R. Linda:

As if snow every other day isn't enough, and me upper arms ache from the shovelling of such, me brain and body were subject to more abuse at the hands of wee persons who's aim in life is to have a good time, practice high pitched screaming at the top of their lungs, jump around unabated, push other persons out of their way, and generally cause mischievous mayhem. I know all these things one can attribute to Weasil, but this goes beyond Weasil, to many uncontrolled little pint sized Weasils.

Our local elementary school was having one of four fund raisers (I get a raging headache thinking about it). This one was touted to be at a local pizza and pasta restaurant where the kiddos would get to see a movie. In this case the new trolls movie, which if you grew up in the nineties (I believe it was the nineties) as an American kiddo, trolls were the thing to watch on the telly, view in the movie house, and collect for your bedroom bookshelves instead of books!

Some enterprising and still fan of the trolls decided to bring the colourful bunch back on the big screen, fill it with a lot of infectious songs for dancing, clapping and singing along (even if you didn't know the words) and cause in a small space filled with some 60 kiddos and their put upon parents, guardians, grandparents and what-have-you, a great deal of STRESS.

That was the scene of me life last evening. We left for the "festivities" as that's how the wee ones were seeing it, for the adults more like a torturous evening in a mental hospital. We arrived at the designated 6 p.m. me three wild children, me Mam (who made the mistake of saying she needed to get out), me wife Tonya, and meself. Tonya had invited a friend of hers and her daughter and hubby to join us. The idea was while the kiddos all watched the movie, the adults could kick back and talk and enjoy the time. NOT TO BE. Best laid plans and all that rot!

We had found a large booth in a crescent shape in the back which would accommodate all of us. At the time it was just me immediate family we were waiting on Tonya's friends. We had been sitting all of three seconds when a woman Tonya knows came over and told us we had taken her booth. Seems she has eight kiddos. Well, the waitress had taken our drink and appetiser order and we were expecting others, plus we had two extra kiddos sitting with us who where friends of O'Hare and Guido's so really we were not about to up and move. I wanted to say, here I'll help you pull tables together but her brood had already did that, plus the two extras at our table were two of hers I found out after she huffed off! So really?

Carolyn (Tonya's BFF), arrived with daughter Carla letting us know that the hubby was looking for a parking space and would be with us shortly. One look at the unruly crowd and she says, "Did you order drinks? Because I think something strong would be a good idea."

At first I wondered if that was a good idea because as it turned out, we were the only table with mixed drinks and it being a blue drink you couldn't miss. Everyone turned to watch us take a sip when the blue strong ones did arrive. I know what they were all disapprovingly thinking. But it was only one and they didn't know that. I was concerned Tonya being a kindergarten teacher would lose her job if loose lips went back to the school she teaches at, and someone accuses her of driving drunk with kiddos in the car, which she wasn't driving at all. She didn't care she said, because by the end of the night, the rest of them would be ordering something stronger than a coke.

Prior, Tonya said since we'd be there for several hours probably one drink would be fine. So I signalled the waitress one Rebecca, and Carolyn ordered for us while her hubby was valiantly battling his way through wee ones to the table. The drink was made up of rum, blue curaçao, coconut milk and pineapple juice. Mike, the hubby changed his to beer which I wanted as well, but too late, Rebecca could not hear me over the noise. I am providing the recipe card below in case you want to try this, it be rather STRONG.

One will do it and ease the ringing in one's ears and partially blur eyesight but unfortunately, it won't make the chaos go away and it will wear off in 45 minutes.
The appetisers (hot wings and smothered nachos - because I know you will ask) arrived with the kiddos cokes. Appetisers were gone in seconds and these were big platters. Children are voracious feeders, you have to be quick but we weren't. The only good thing of an empty stomach, is the effects of mellowing out compliments the Jack Frost last a wee bit longer.

One sip of me Jack Frost and I thought I'd be on the floor (there was more liquor in it than pineapple juice). I will say by the time I finished it (which didn't take long after having to go retrieve me youngest from wiping the floor with some small fry he had pushed down. I tell ya!) I could have gone home and slept it off -- it was that potent.

There was a stage next to us for Friday night entertainment and the wee ones were up and jumping off, very close to a large plate glass window that looked out on the common. One of them was either going to fall off the stage and break something, OR be shoved out the window. Me Mam was rather distressed that no one was chasing the kiddos away from the window and stage (there must have been 25 of them up there), but I told her to keep sipping her Jack Frost, and it would all go away like a bad dream.

I ordered (because you'd want to know) a pineapple an artichoke heart pizza. Me first ever and I rather think it be me new fav pizza. The movie came on and the room was darkened so you couldn't see what you were eating in the gloom, but it was obvious Carolyn got a slice of the pineapple because she was shouting at us from the other side of the table, "What am I eating, it's sweet and tomato tasting?" It was me special pizza, a slice completely wasted by an undiscerning palate.

I can't say we had an enjoyable conversation among us adults, no it was too noisy, there was a lot of up and down to retrieve kiddos behaving badly and intense moments of crying over something or someone. We'd have liked to have ordered alcoholic drinks the entire night but refrained since we were driving our precious cargo home. Precious but unruly I should add. The kiddos were all on the stage by the middle of the movie, jumping, shoving, pushing, crying, laughing, shouting, girl screaming (that shatters the ear drums), yelling, singing, dancing, whirling, just a mass of small bodies careening all over the stage and just below it. Notta one watched the movie! Only zombie like adults stared at the screen, trying to shut everything out. I be happy to announce no one went out the window, though there were a few cases of scraped knees from jumping off the stage and into someone below. Yup there was.

The movie was just as loud as the kiddos, and the percussion was enough to vibrate you off your seat.  I was up several times chasing after me own brood. Here is a picture at the beginning of the fun night, and another just before the movie came on. I didn't take anything after because I was pretty mellow and exhausted, plus very full of pineapple pizza.

Don't be fooled, the hellions were all on the stage to the left
Rebecca taking our order or trying to over the noise


BUT by the time I got home, I was deaf, half blind, and borderline crazy. The kiddos all fell asleep in the car on the way home. Why couldn't they have all done that during the movie? There are three more of these delightful evenings offered. One at Burger King, and two I definitely will be sitting out, Chuck E Cheese (just the germs alone make me ill forget that chaos), and Roll On America. I know that last you want me to get on skates and break me fool neck. Not gonna happen.

Gabe
Copyright © 2017 All rights reserved

14 March, 2017

A few infamous people and not so famous watchers want to know

14 March 2017
853

R. Linda:

Ivanka Trump is wondering why her clothing and shoe line isn't selling. Fionnula said the reason is: "We have got to know you and we don't like you."

She looks like she's packed up her high heels and is outta here!
Nigel Farage is spending a lot of time in the U.S.A and seems to be doing what he can to help President Trump's agenda along. Weasil said this: "Iz dat a comedy act or wot? Cue da Benny Hill music, two clowns on international stage! An' look at the size of Nigel's hands compared to Trump, makes ya wondah if Nigel's the one in charge."

Nigel's got puppet hands
President Trump is still spray tanning and Tomas asked: "Has he always been that shade of orange? I have a ginger cat the same colour, makes me wonder if Trump eats the same cat food."

Nick Viall of Bachelor fame just proposed to a mean woman according to many viewers. Me Mam had this to say: "He be an ejjit, he had a perfectly good woman dere and he picks da whinny one who once she got the ring is da boss of him."

Photo Courtesy ABC - The happy couple?
Sean Spicer the gum chewing chew you out WH press secretary has not gone unnoticed by Wolfie who said, "I was glad to see they took his gum away and lowered the podium, though I still get confused if Melissa McCarthy isn't the real Sean Spicer."

Which is Spicer and which is McCarthy?
Kellyanne Conway at seeing a camera runs in front of it no matter why the camera is there. This prompted Maggie to remark, "I want to know why she looks like she's been on a bender and is still wearing yesterday's make-up."

Anyone got a comb? Or is that a wig?
And lastly, we come to our very own Muse, R. Linda who wants to know why Gabe isn't churning out stories one after the other. Doesn't matter she's near blind and can't see them to read them, and doesn't take Gabe's sense of humour when he tells here there is a new story on the blog and when she can't find it he tells her that's because she's blind and can't see it, well excuse day has come for Gabe and well, he can't churn them out because he's blind too. See below:

Dark shades are proof positive Gabe be a blind guy.
Gabe
Copyright © 2017 All rights reserved

10 March, 2017

Blue hair and more blue hair with helium voices, turkey attack, medical visits, a tour of town resources, and a box of donuts

10 March 2017
852

R. Linda:

At the request of the blue haired person requesting a story (see below the lovely shade of blue), and me having none to give, I decided to look for one in the only place I know for sure I'd get one. I made a call to Weasil. Yup, I didn't want to do it, but I did. Sometimes, I get the Weas, or as is more often the case, I get a person I don't know who has the misfortune to end up with the Weasil's former phone number.

Ah yes, blue as the sea, very nice R. Linda - I like it better than the purple
Well, this time I got the young whippersnapper right off, and was somewhat surprised that happened, which is often my reaction. When I get a stranger with his former number they always talk in high harassed voices, and seem near the edge of breaking, so I was glad that wasn't the case this time.

"So Weas, you want to get together?" I asked with some hesitation.

"Yuppers, dats up me street." He replied eagerly.

We made plans to meet at a doctor's office where he had an appointment. I wondered why he'd be seeing an American doctor when he lives in Scotland, but I didn't ask because you know what happens, he gives me some lame explanation that confuses the hell out of me.

I met him just as he was being called in for his "exam." He gestured I should come with him, which was not what I wanted to do. The nurse looked kind of sceptical like she wasn't sure who I was and why I was accompanying a fully grown man into an exam room.

"He's me nanny." Weasil quipped to my denying such a thing.

"Well, he can sit over there, but first I want you to pee into this jar for me." She gave him a plastic container.

"Well, as long as I dunt hafta drink it when I'm done, okie dokie." He said and off he went.

I was left to sit there waiting and wondering. But I didn't have long he was back in a jiffy.

I was lost for words not sure what was going on. I said out of habit, "how's it hanging?"

And the answer was, "long and limp."

Oh boy, I was regretting this idea for a story more and more.

"Sos wot ya think of da nursie?" He grinned switching gears.

"I don't know." I shrugged. Really? We were discussing women?

"She smells of glue and chardonnay to me." Weasil said unabashed.

I asked him why we were there and he said because he needed to have a drug test, that some medication he was taking was making him feel strange. I bit my tongue wanting to say that's normal for him, but I did not. Another nurse came in and drew blood.

"Sumthin's wrong." Weasil said watching the red stuff being drawn.

"What do you mean?" The nurse asked.

"It should be blue."

And -- we were done and out of there.

We decided to get lunch because he told me he was feeling faint from so much blood loss. Right. I foolishly said, "I want something I can sink me teeth into," to change the subject, and he said, "yeah but den yer gonna hafta pull em out of whatever you sank them into."

"You're being awfully cheeky today." I quipped as we made our way into a pub where he ordered a black and tan.

I sat there affronted by that, trying to think of something to say but I was speechless. He knew what he did, and stuttered, "Takin' a bit of da sauce of da dog."

"You have had a few of those this morning?" I asked incredulous since he was supposed to have fasted for the urine and blood test.

"Dey will nevah know."

"Oh yes they will."

We ordered burgers, me with fries, his with crisps which were slow in coming, so Weas being Weas got up and got the platters that were sitting on the end of the bar waiting for pick up by a very busy waitress.

"Your fries are delicious," he said handing me the plate with the fries.

I was stunned, but that was typical of the Weasil. He'd take a few crisps and reach over and take a few of my fries. He was pretty full by the end of lunch and I was still hungry since he ate most of mine. But he wanted to take off so that was it.

Because he has done all there is to do in Boston, we took the trip back to my neck of the woods. I knew this was an excuse to stay at me abode, since I was the only one with a vehicle. Though I have found the bus schedules out of Manchester so I be feeling a bit better that I have a way of unloading the Weasil back to Boston.

Well R. Linda, call this me unlucky day because when we arrived, in me driveway a limo was leaving and a limo spells D-R-A-G-O-N. Yup, there she was at the door waving at Weasil, not me, she loves Weas. Behind her in the gloom was me Mam, her lips tight, her brows nit, looking extremely unhappy. And she would be, she and the dragon-lady don't see eye to eye.

Mam came bursting down the steps and she caught hold of me arm as Weas went to hug the dragon.

"Ya need ta take her out somewhere, she's bean here all a 2 minutes an' drivn' me nutters!"

"Okay, okay," I said as she roared back up the stairs and shut the door!

I stopped the love-fest by announcing we should go out for another lunch or tea maybe. Weasil put both hands on his belly and made a face like he was full, but Dragon, was all about tea. Weasil decided tea was okay "sorta" and I piled them into me car and off I drove. As I swung into the centre of town which is laughable for a centre of town, because there really isn't one. Dragon saw a sign that says MOANA playing two nights only.

"I didn't know you had a movie theatre, Gabriel." Dragon said all astonished. "Where is it?" She asked looking around the town centre as if it was in camo.

I swung around the corner and down a long road past a few farms.

"Whats all that in the fields?" The near-sighted Dragon asked.

"Potatoes!" I said, when in actuality they were this years crop of rocks.

"I see they are all shoving up through the dirt, what a crop I didn't know New Hampshire grew so many potatoes."

Weasil was looking at me with a new found respect and an evil grin.

I got to the end of the road where there was one big field with a drive-in screen and stopped the car.

"Here's our movie theatre," I said proudly.

Dragon squinted and then put on her glasses. She was silent for a moment looking at the "theatre."

"Oh my," she said taking off her glasses and looking at me in pity. "You have one of the only two remaining drive-ins in the country."

"Yes, yes we do." I said proudly and drove on.

I was headed to the next town over which was a little bigger than my own and with a large population of expat Brits, one of them had opened a tea shop. As I made me way down the road, Weasil pointed to an above ground pool and pointed it out to the dragon-lady.

"Dere iz da town pool!" He gestured magnanimously.

I stopped the car, she put her glasses on and looked incredulously at the old pool.

"It is small and above ground!"

"Yuppers," Weasil said all proud. "All dey could afford."

Okay, it was hard not to laugh at how incredibly gullible the Dragon is, but to be honest there was more than a grain of truth in what Weasil said. That above ground pool WAS the town pool when there was maybe ten people in the town. Now there are a few hundred, which made the concept rather bizarrely ridiculous. But SHE believed it.

Well, we got to the tea place to find it closed. The sign on the door told us the only day it was closed was this one. There was another sign in the window with a British flag on the background. It said, "Send Nigel Farage back to Britain." THAT started a discussion because you know Weasil isn't a Nigel fan. We piled back into the car and it was decided (mostly by me) to stop at Dunks for coffee.

Now the Dunks I go to is in that same town over since it is bigger than my own town and we not having one, well, it is the logical choice. It is an old building with a sound system that distorts voices from the shop to the car and back. There have been many a time the person on the Dunks end sounds garbled and I have ended up with an order I didn't order, or got so frustrated, I'd go inside to order. So to meself I be thinking, "this should be good, wonder what we'll end up with this time."

So I pull up and Minnie Mouse on more helium than usual says, "Welcome to Dunkin' Donuts, how may I help you?"

So Weasil, being Weasil holds his nose and says back in his Mickey Mouse voice, "I'll hafa large cold caramel swirl, vanilla latte with a dash of espresso and a dozen assorted donuts but hold the jelly donuts, the French crullers, and the apple cinnemum-mum ones."

Silence. Nothing came over the speaker for at least three minutes which prompted Weasil still holding his nose to say several times, "Hello! Hello! Did ya faint? Or did ya close up and go homie?"

The microphone crackled and then Minnie came back and repeated his order telling him to drive up.

"No, no there is more," I said in me normal voice which got me a WHAT? I looked at Weasil and he grinned leaning over me to speak again as Mickey. Dragon told him what she wanted and I did as well so he ordered. Dragon was having fits of laughter which the person on the other end was not pleased about.

"What is so funny please?" Minnie asked.

"Oh nothing." I said and got a "WHAT?"

"Oh yeah, can I change me order to a hot cappuccino please?"

"A hot cup of bingo?" Minnie asked.

"NO, a hot cappuccino." I tried again.

"A hot cup of beano? We don't have that and I don't know what that is. Is there something else?"

UGH!

"Surprise me then." I said, which is what I usually end up saying.

"OH IT'S YOU." Minnie said somehow recognising me voice.

We drove up for our order and all three Dunks workers were at the window and they all looked less than pleased with us. Upon seeing this, Weasil went into hysterics covering his face and saying, "Please dunt spit in me coffee!"

I told the three unhappy people that their sound system sounded like they were on helium.

"Well, you sounded the same," one girl said taking my money.

"Ooh sumone's not had enuff coffee," Weasil whispered theatrically. That didn't endear us because as we pulled away and Weasil opened his box of donuts, he had 4 of each of the donuts he said he didn't want. I was going to pull around and go inside to rectify the "mistake" but he said that was okay he'd eat them anyway and didn't want to put up with "grouchy persons of unknown origin."

Dragon was telling us she thought salt was in her coffee not sugar, but Weasil took a sip (much to her horror and handed it back) said not, otherwise I would have driven back there. I was in a moving vehicle with two overly imaginative types and knew not to take their word on anything.

Weasil and Dragon had both ordered iced coffees and it was a freezing day. They sat there complaining (as they sipped) how cold they were. I tell ya! Who orders iced coffee on a degree negative day! I turned on the heater and because I had a hot coffee, started to sweat profusely.

"Damn it is hot," I said hoping they'd tell me to turn the heat down or off.

"Aren't you supposed to be clutching pearls while saying that?" Weasil asked. This brought Dragon to spitting out her cold bevy all over the backseat of me car in amusement. I stopped the car to hand her a box of tissues to clean her and me seat up. As I was leaning over the backseat with the box, I hadn't noticed the turkeys crossing the road. I heard a plunk on the hood of me car and as I turned around there was a turkey on me hood walking up and pecking at me windscreen. I hit the windscreen with me hand to scare the large bird but it squawked at me raising a wingspan of almost 6 feet. I've never had a panic attack, but I think what I was feeling at the time was what one felt like.

Dragon started screaming in the backseat we were going to be eaten by Thanksgiving dinner which didn't make things any better.

"A bunch of girlies," Weasil said getting out of the car.

"Oh my God, get back in here!" Dragon shouted, "They'll get you and us, close the door, close the door!"

The bird on me hood was still pecking at me through the window and I had covered me head with me hands not knowing I was doing that, it wasn't like the bird could get me, but Weasil's appearance brought the rest of the flock running to protect the big guy on me hood. I looked through me fingers to see then pecking furiously at the Weasil's shoes UNTIL, they suddenly stopped and squawking ran into the woods. I looked down and saw the Weasil had on his yak shoes, you remember THOSE from Weasil's New Kicks, 7 Sept. 2016), I find Weasil's unusual attire normal that I hadn't noticed what he had on his feet until then.

Even the big guy on me car took off. The flock looked like a bunch of Victorian ladies hiking up their skirts and running off.

"WELL, THAT was close." Dragon said brushing herself off like she'd been out there turkey wrangling.

Weas got back into the car extremely satisfied with himself and off I drove us home.

I'd like to say once we were home things calmed down but that didn't happen. What did happen is Tonya had teachers conference so she wasn't home (lucky ducky), me Mam had retired to her room to watch the telly (less time spent with Dragon), I took the youngest to get him bathed and ready for bed. O'Hare I left doing homework, so the only one left with Dragon and Weasil was their buddy in crime, Guido. I had made the terrible mistake of telling Weasil YOU had blue hair. Well, he was discussing how interesting Dragon might look with green hair. Sitting there listening was me Sneaky Pete, Guido who was enamoured with the idea of having hair a color different than his own. When I came down from putting the youngest to bed, THIS IS WHAT MET ME AT THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS.

I TELL YA!
You don't even want to know what his mother said when she came home.

Gabe
Copyright © 2017 All rights reserved

28 February, 2017

A frightening conclusion -- I be still seeking help: 1. Psychiatric and 2. Dietary

28 February 2017
851

R. Linda:

Well, well, well, it never fails that when I eat that spicy food I have the most strangely bizarre dreams and I don't know why spice effects me like it does. I know you are thrilled it does but waking up in the middle of the night in a state of ultimate shock is not good for ones heart or brain. Its a "HUH?" moment every time and seriously I wonder that Steven Hawking hasn't asked me to come to his lab for experimental therapies to understand the lunatic wanderings of a brain on spicy food.

That be neither here nor there at the moment and I continue to wait for Hawking to notice this anomaly of mine, so in the meantime, I will regale you with a rather frightening (for me) and hopefully entertaining (for you) dream I had last Tuesday. I know, I know why didn't I write about it the day after, well the answer is simply this: I was too gobsmacked to put it to print.

So here goes, it started with this:

Some spicy peppers to which I added onions
Later I added beans, beef and pork with a bunch of Mexican spices and got this:

OOOOH what goodness this batch of chili looks to be, but looks are deceiving
Who knows what chili disguised as good food can do to a person's sleep time as well as stomach lining -- let me tell ya it wasn't pretty.

I had gone to bed so full of chili, tortilla chips and well it was Margarita Tuesday baby, so I had a couple of those to wash the heat down. I must have fallen off instantly because I don't remember anything after me head hit the pillow. I was told I was snoring up a storm, so I must have been deep in la la land.

What I do remember was near toward 3:30 a.m., I sat up in bed trying to catch me breath, I thought I was having a heart attack. Me dream had me sitting in a town hall room with a lot of people I did but didn't know if you know what I mean. They were probably all me, but well at the time . . . so anyway, I had me hand waving in the air to speak and the mayor (at least I think he was the mayor) pointed at me like we were at a presser or something and I stood up and said, "This is the live free or die state. That's why I live here." Everyone applauded which seemed no surprise to me for some reason. "I know we have the right to succeed from the union if we deem fit." More applause with "yes sirs" mixed in. "I think it is time we did so, because we have the right, we have the will, and we need to do it NOW." Thunderous applause followed this out of character pronouncement.

"I, as a former Irish citizen and member of the IRA" (I did say that, but that couldn't be further from the truth. IRA? No way not this cornstalk, but it sounded good at the time), "and now an American citizen living in the great state of New Hampshire" (more applause and shouting in the affirmative), "AND a member of the NRA (WHAT? No way am I a member I have no gun . . . okay I have an air gun but that hardly counts), "say now is the time!" And I sat down to people jumping up out of their chairs, fist pumping in the air and all manner of what I (in me dream) thought was a wonderful reaction.

The mayor (for he must have been) tried gavelling everyone to order and was shouting for all to sit it down so he could speak. And speak he did telling me to shut me piehole and get a grip. Well, R. Linda, that infuriated yours truly so I jumped back up fist pumping at the astonished man, and yelling at him to sit it down and listen up. Yes, I did say those things which I never normally would to anyone in authority, unless I was that riled then I probably would. Yeah the cool, mellow and easy going guy you know was not in that dream, the spicy chili had taken him over.

"I will not live under the thumb of a mercurial president like we have now. No way in hell, I want us" (I gestured to the entire room), "to form a new nation the nation of live free or die and elect . . . uh . . . a new leader to run our little country!"

The crowd went wild they did, and I was feeling good about it all though me stomach was rumbling.

"And just whom do you have in mind to run your little live free or die country? Hum? You?" The mayor sneered.

"Why no." I said with as much conviction as I could muster. "I have someone who is free at the moment without a job, who has great credentials and I think would be just the man for the job."

There was silence, everyone was looking at me like you better have someone, because you be looking the fool if you do not.

I held a figure up and went outside. Even I (in me dream) had no idea where I was going. I do remember me brain saying (in me dream) run and don't go back in there. But I didn't do that, I had hold of someone and he was saying, "Now Gabriel, I just got back from a wondrous vacation and . . . and . . . I don't know. Maybe you should be looking at Joe Biden."

I could hear the Mayor on the mic saying to the audience, "If he drags in that Weasil person, I want you to know he is NOT a citizen of these here United States and therefore ineligible."

I was hardly listening when I lead me man into the room and everyone got excited and was jumping up and down, applauding, whistling, and pretty much mobbing us, but I got me man to the podium, pushing aside the mayor and announcing into the microphone, "Here is our leader, this man right here, he has nothing lined up, so I say we elect him here and now as President of live free or die."

The room when wild, feet thumping the floor, cheers and hoots and whathaveyous. Me man looked at me perplexed and shook his head like he didn't know about me. I was hoping he wasn't going to turn on his heel and leave me standing there but he didn't. He raised a hand for silence and got it.

"Now, you folks know I am not a citizen of this country. But you know I can lead and if that's what you want than I'm your guy."

Pandemonium that's the only way to describe it.

"And, if anything goes wrong, you can blame it on this guy," and he pointed at ME!

I was in shock. WHAT? ME? I looked around for a hasty retreat but I was hemmed in so there was none. Me stomach was doing flip flops with the chili gurgling up and telling me I made a mistake, we were in Chili Land not live free or die and Vicente Fox was available. He'd build a wall around Chili Land and well we'd be safe. We had our own militia so what's the problem Gabe? Biased to Mexican food and it's influences?

I tell ya.

I mumbled we were in live free or die land not chili land and to stop it right now. Yes, it appeared to everyone there I was talking to meself like a lunatic and well think about it, I am a lunatic at times and a man talking to his stomach . . .really? I moved we hold elections right then and there and make it official before me candidate changed his mind. Well, it was done in an instant and what woke me up was me new leader shaking me hand and saying, "Fooled you good." I woke up with night terrors, the first I've ever had in me life. And why? Because the president I thought I had elected was Barack Obama, but it wasn't. Nooo, the man shaking me hand had lifted his other to his face and peeled off an Obama mask and there was Kellyanne Conway and worse she was sitting with her shoes on at the foot of me bed!

This so shook me I have been seeking treatment because I can't get that image out of me mind.

Scared the crap out of me - if that isn't frightening I don't know what is and it isn't even Halloween!
Gabe
Copyright © 2017 All rights reserved

13 February, 2017

Big News . . . Earthquakes, Ground Blizzard and BUY CHINESE!

13 February 2017
850

R. Linda:

Big news here in New Hampshire, uh huh. Wanna here what it is? No, you probably don't but guess what? I be going to tell ya anyhow.

The big news besides the storm of the century that dumped almost two more feet on top of the two we had just recently accumulated, IS an earthquake! Yes, R. Linda, there was a . . . are you ready? There was a two point fiver in Bedford, New Hampshire! I know it's just too much to keep to oneself. Anyway, you'd think they never had one in that area before. There are two to four a year so this is new? I don't think so earthquake fans. But the local news thought it was BIG so they were reporting from . . . are you ready again? THE EPICENTRE, yes a field with nothing in it. The camera at the epicentre  featured a pathway of knee deep snow like a fissure but it wasn't R. Linda, it was where the crew made their way into the field! Gees, they think the viewers are dopes. Anyway, they said nothing, just zoomed in on the path or fissure, whichever you prefer without saying it was a path or a fissure, just leaving it to the viewers imagination to pick one. And . . . no, we aren't finished yet, they reported on air that so far, yes so far R. Linda, there were no reported or known injuries or damages. YOU THINK? AND it gets better . . . they warned of AFTERSHOCKS! Can you feel aftershocks after a 2.5? What a bunch of crazies.

They also have a new term, ground blizzard. I was like what the heck is that now? It was explained it is the wind whipping up snow on the ground to where you can't see. It is what we'd call a white out. Yup new name, so just so ya know if you hear the term. The second was the snow needles, yes, snow needles -- these are spears of snow crystals that don't fully form as a flake, but come down pinging the windows and roofs like sleet. I think personally, it is a fancy name for SLEET, just sayin'.

Now for the more home bound mundane news. Me Mam decided me office needed a woman's touch. No it did not need that, but she was all about hanging sheer curtains under the (I hope I have this correct) swags and jabots. I said I liked the scenery and did not want it obscured, but "Gabriel, dis will make it warm and coozy." I didn't want warm and cozy, I wanted office. So she ordered the curtains anyway, yeah doesn't matter what I say so why ask right? I did say, "do not spend scads of money on those curtains I don't want." She said she hadn't, she ordered online from a Chinese company that will send within three days. Yeah right, she'll show Trump, and the last time she ordered from China the goods were thrown on the slow boat and arrived three months after the fact. So I thought good, by the time they arrive, it will be spring and there will be no need for "warm and coozy."

Well, they arrived within the promised three days, yes they did, must have been by missile express. The day they physically arrived at the door, the little old woman was very busy cleaning and doing wash. The wife and kiddos had gone on a school skiing trip and that was her perfect opportunity to do a "lil' hoose cleanin'." She worked her little Irish self to the bone making it all look pristine like no one lived in the house. Yup, she did. By dinner time (which she insisted on preparing because she's Super Mam) she was quite broken and talking early bedtime. As she was shuffling off the doorbell rang (it was 7:35) and guess what? CURTAINS and rods had arrived! Oh boy. Well, she was so tired I thought for sure I'd have a few more days of curtain-less windows, but NO, out came the iron and ironing board.

"Ma, leave it be, you're tired, I don't need the curtains up at night anyway. Take a few days off." I pleaded, but no, she couldn't have it and she set upon getting the rods out and up, then the iron was hot so she took one pair out of the bag and I was watching this examination as her face took on a look of confusion, then bewilderment, then WTF, and she held them at one end, then another and she was shaking her head. She pulled out another and same thing. Ok I was curious now, so I asked if there was some bizarre curtain problem. Yes there was.

"Either whoever made dese dint half a sewin' machine, or dey are blind an' shaky, or dey are halfwits, or dey doon no how ta sew, definitely doon no how ta measure and luck at dis fabric it be pooled here and dere and snagged and it gets sheer at one half and dense at da utter."

I suggested she send them back but she told me the postage would cost her more than what she paid. It turns out when I said if she bought curtains not to spend a lot on them and she didn't. She spent $4.99 on four packages of two curtains each. No wonder they were so terribly made. I started to laugh which I thought might make her angry but she wasn't, she told me she was hanging them anyway and she'd tie them back so the differing lengths and weird fabric and stitching's wouldn't show.

"Oh don't do that." I really didn't want cartoon curtains.

"You hush noow, it will be alright." And with that she set upon ironing and hanging the Chinese monstrosities in me office. Okay she has done a good job you really have to look closely except not when you see the curtain hem at the bottom, THEN YOU KNOW these are  not well made and they hang strangely, but like she said, "Its a man's room, they'll think you did dis."

THANKS MAM!

Just look at these:

BEFORE looking good
AFTER not so much
Gabe
Copyright © 2017 All rights reserved

30 January, 2017

Squatchin' with the ultimate squatchers!

30 January 2017
849

R. Linda:

I wish I could say I ate spicy food again, but I did not. I was wide awake Saturday afternoon, when that dreaded red mustang came slowly down me driveway. I wanted to run inside, lock the doors, and hide, but the Weasil and friend Robbie saw me, so what could I do but stand there like an idiot watching them pull up next to me.

"So Gabe, ya reedie fur soom squatchin?" Robbie said, his fat red face aglow with his rosacea condition.

"Some what?" I asked then it came to me, that the Weasil had said he'd be by (but he never said when) to pick me up for a hike in the woods to look for what I thought he said was his watch. Thinking I did not glean Robbie's Scottish accent correctly I nodded at Weasil and said, "Oh yeah."

I had promised and a promise be a promise, so I went inside got me Timberlands on, and told me Mam I was off for a hike and should be home after dinner, and probably she should set places for the Weas and Robbie since they probably would expect to be fed after an afternoon of "entertaining" me. So if she could save us some food that would be much appreciated. I kissed the bewildered wife so long and she was not buying we were looking for a lost watch. But okay run along Gabe, have a good time with your little friends. Gees.

I got in the mustang and asked where we were going and was told Pack Monadnock. This puzzled me, what was Weasil doing on Pack Monadnock? I asked and was told he was never on Pack Monadnock but heard it was prime squatch country.

"Watch country?" I asked thinking well, Weasil is a Scot and I don't have an ear for the Scottish accent. And why he'd think someone would be selling watches on a mountain I have not clue, but we were talking Weasil here.

"Nah, squatch, like in sasquatch, biggie footie."

That sank in with a bang to me brain. And it sank deep in me rational part of me brain that I wasn't helping a friend out, the friend had me on another of his crazy wild goose chases. Oh for joy, it was too late to get out of the motor, we were well on our way and there I was pissed off AGAIN that I was duped into some stupid adventure with the two Scots. When will I learn that what is good for the Weasil is not good for the Gabe?

It didn't take long to get to Pack Monadnock, and we started into the thick woods and climbed the mountain road slowly while Robbie scanned the trees for a "squatch" and Weasil looked for a parking area, and I silently fumed at meself in the backseat.

We found a parking ground, got out and Weas popped the boot and instantly Robbie was taking out equipment.

"What do we need all this stuff for?" I asked.

"We need infra red cameras to cotch the beestie on film, we need the night vision binoculars ta see him up cloos and parsonal, we need da net ta cotch him in. Ya luked out we dint bring da campin' equipment." Robbie said laughing as he handed me and Weas the equipment.

Yeah camping in the woods, that would be no treat. They know I be no outdoors man so in reality I was getting off easy. But not really as we know, there be no getting off easy in the world of these two miscreants.

"Ya evah seen a squatchie befur, Gabe?" Weasil asked trying to be genuine (which was a stretch).

"Uh no, don't believe they exist." I foolishly said to their gasps of shock and dismay, which I shrugged off.

We started up a pine needled trail into dense woods. We were climbing and me thigh muscles were beginning to burn from the exertion which made me wonder what fat Robbie's were feeling but he looked like a pro, keeping up with the fit Mr. W. I shook me head at meself the entire time until we stopped suddenly. Weasil had raised his hand for us to halt and was listening.

I heard nothing, I truly did not but the other two were nodding and smiling at each other.

"How long this gonna take?" I asked breaking their spell.

"Dint ya hear dat?" Robbie asked.

"Hear what?"

"Da soundie of heavy steppins." Weasil said lapsing into Weasilese.

"No, no I did not." I said with a heavy sigh. I knew perfectly well the sound was me own footsteps trudging along but these two wanted to think it was something else.

Robbie took a deep inhalation and let it out slowly like it was pleasurable. He said quietly, "I sense us a squatch in da tick trees."

I furrowed me brow in disbelief but any objections would fall on deaf ears, so I said nothing just thought what a couple of dolts I was with.

We went about six paces when Robbie stopped us this time and said, "I kin feel its presence."

The hairs on the back of me neck went up. That's the last thing I wanted to hear, besides actually seeing something I couldn't explain, I'd rather the former but still he was spooking me out.

We went a few more steps when he stopped us again with, "did ye hear dat?"

I heard nothing but the soft falling snow shower that was beginning. I wanted to hit him, me anger was starting to get the best of me, feelings of near panic where setting in, I had no clue where the freak I was.

It was getting onto 4 o'clock so it was starting to get dark. I was concerned how long we'd be out in the woods as it was starting to get cold. Then I remembered everything was infra red or night vision so I didn't bother to ask. Great, I'd be out in the dark woods, unsure where I was, without a compass, with two crazies, looking for a mythical creature, that I was sure did and does not exist.

We came to another halt after climbing for 20 minutes in silence. Weasil put his hands to his mouth to cup the sound of his hooting loudly at the trees. I wanted to say, what are you doing dude? But I knew he was calling sasquatch. Yupper-ruddies, fun in the forest.

We stood silently waiting for what? An answer? Well, sports fans we got one. The sound of a tree falling in the distance. The two squatchers were jumping up and down in silent joy that a bigfoot had knocked over a dead tree in response. Oh yeah right you boyos are!

I could not join in the joy, it was so ludicrous that it was beyond me comprehension that I was even doing what I was doing.

Silently Weasil signalled us to follow as he went ever higher up the now rocky, slippery trail. I was thinking I was seeing things, but no snowflakes were beginning to fall in earnest and well, time to go home! But no, they kept on trekking with me pointing out the big flakes that meant absolutely nothing to either one of the deadheads.

The snow was starting to stick and it was coming down heavier. This concerned yours truly who wasn't dressed in Nanook of the North outdoor wear. The flakes were sticking to our knit caps which would be soaked through if we didn't turn back. But no, ever onward and upward.

Another halt, another call and nothing. Moving right along with snow and altitude a real presence in me life, when suddenly we hear some kind of noise. I couldn't tell you what it was, as I be no animal expert but the two of them were dancing around that it was a "fecking squatch" and they both called back, Weasil with that same hooty thing and Robbie sounding like he was calling pigs. "Sou wee!" He chanted as I stood there incredulous.

And . . . nothing. Walking on, in the dark now, the snow crunching under our feet. Just look at this:

BURRR!!! I don't see any sasquatch up in trees do you?

"Did ye see dat? Ova dere!" Robbie pointed into a thicket. I saw nothing, but Weasil wanted to see something and said he wasn't sure, but there was movement.

Courtesy Animal Planet - Robbie thought he saw something like this
I wanted to laugh it was that stupid, but I refrained and bit the inside of me mouth instead. I was more sober minded and looking around at the failing visibility, and falling snow I grew concerned.

"Do either of you remember the way back?" I asked to them shushing me so as not to frighten off the bigfoot they were sure they were tracking.

Two more stops, a few more calls and nothing.

"Time to turn around and go back me boyos." I said turning to do just that.

"Coom on Gabe, just another bit here and den weel turn round." Robbie pleaded.

"Uh, no. I'm going back meet you at the car." I said hoping I wouldn't be going back by meself as I had no clue where the heck I was and we had gone off trail a few times. But they believed me so with heavy sighs they started back. I was upbraided the entire hour and 45 minutes about how I "wimped" out on them and they being so near catching a bigfoot. Oh sure like anyone would believe that.

"Next time come without me, you two do swimmingly on your own." I retorted.

On and on they went in the car about me causing them to not make history and how the biological and scientific communities not to forget Peta would have given them awards galore for the capture of the first live bigfoot, and how their names and mine (if I had let them catch one) would have gone down in anthropological history and how our names would be combined to make a scientific if un-Latin name for the new discovery. I put me hands to me ears to blot out all that foolishness.

Finally we returned to me abode and I thought they were annoyed enough they'd leave, but we are talking the idea of FOOD so no, I was, and me family was, subjected to how they lost their chance, not because I wanted to come home, but because I LOST ME FREAKING NERVE! I tell ya!

I packed up some pineapple upside down cake into two ziplock baggies and handed them to the two grumblers, telling them it had been real, now get going before the snow became so deep they couldn't drive in it. No way was I harbouring either of them for the night so I could hear about me lapse in good bigfoot judgement at the breakfast table.

"Wow, you were manly tonight," Tonya smiled at me impressed.

"What you mean?" I was confused, I had be berated the entire time the two were in me abode and fended them off as best I could, but I felt the two against one they had the upper hand.

"You actually booted them out the door without giving them recourse to argue about the weather -- which they usually do and end up staying for days!" She patted me face and ended with, "I am proud of you O'Sully."

So Tonya's joy at having them gone was the highlight of a bizarre hike in unknown forest, spending the day sore and cold, looking for something that lives only in the minds of the two mentally impaired Scots, Weasil and Robbie. I hope they stay miffed and I don't hear from them for a long while, BUT we know that won't happen. SIGH.

Gabe
Copyright © 2017 All rights reserved

27 January, 2017

Spice bag, a fire wall, and trumpisms

27 January 2017
848

R. Linda:

I took your advice knowing perfectly well I shouldn't have, but I did anyway and the cost was a nightmare of a dream, thank you very much! Glad to say you were included in that nightmarish mess, oh yes you were and the usual suspects who follow this blog were in the muck too.

It all started off with me knowing damn well I shouldn't load up on the spicy Mexican food, and every shovelful that went into me gob was done consciously knowing it was a big mistake. But I did it anyway. I asked me Mam to make that hotter than hell chili I made when I lived in Boston, the same chili recipe that near felled an entire apartment complex. You remember THAT I be sure. So under orders she did, but forgetting who was doing the cooking (yes, the little woman who covertly adds her own spices in ADDITION to what be called for in the recipe), I was not expecting the intense heat that oozed down the back of me throat, burning hot into me cast iron stomach which turns out isn't as cast iron as I thought. I took one spoonful of that Mexican lava and good thing I was standing because I ended up doing a dance all around the kitchen island! And that was a sample taste. But more important to yours truly was -- what did I just swallow? It had the consistency of potatoes? Potatoes, R. Linda, I swear I had a chunk of potato in the chili.

"WHAT did you put in this?" I asked me Mam once I was done doing the fire dance.

"Wot ye said ta." She said smugly.

I knew full well that was an Irish white lie and called her on it. I even stirred up the mixture and saw what looked like chicken and OMG POTATOES!

"Ok, sos I put in a lil' Irish spice bag."

"Irish spice bag? There be no such ting," I ranted.

"Oh yes dere be." She said holding her ground, waving a wooden spoon at me.

"How can you make up a spicy spice out of rosemary, thyme, caraway seeds, parsley and sage? Those be the only spices I know of used in Irish cooking!"

"I used a spice bag." She said emphatically like I should know what that was.

"What be a spice bag? Never heard of it." I countered.

"Dats becauz you left Ireland when dey became popular in Dooblin," she paused looking for that to sink in, then she continued, "it be sum tatties wit chicken mixed wit peppers, garlic powder, chili powder, salt, cumin, coconut oil, rosemary, thyme, da usual. I mixed da spice bag in wit da chili recipe sos dats dat. Oh an I added a drop of Jamesons just fer good measure."

I was dumbfounded. A thing that be happening more and more to me of late. Well, no need to tell you the only person in the house that ate THAT gooey mess was me! I be a glutton for punishment and I be not the one to shy away from tasting strange foods (though this was ridiculous).

Tonya had taken one whiff and her face compressed into a pickled person face and a long "woo wee!" came out of her mouth. She waved her hands and shook her head as she went to the freezer for frozen White Castle Hamburgers and frozen french fries which she microwaved for her and the kiddos. Yes, I ate that Irish spice bag chili and no, me Mam didn't touch the stuff instead she joined the wife and kiddos for the frozen food. And why did I eat that concoction knowing full well what was in it? Because of this:

"Dat be da last tyme I cook anyting fer yer arse Gabriel. Ya wanted chili ya got chili dat I been slaven' over, breaking me back, all day long. Sos say goodbye ta Irish whiskey cake, no more shepherds pie, no more bangers an' mash, no more Bailey's creme brûlée, no more Irish anyting."

Yup that was the threat and you know I can't have THAT happen. So I forced that stuff down and I have to tell you I thought I'd die. I put on a good show of not letting any of them see me suffer through me meal. No, I ate one whole bowl and not only was me throat on fire, me stomach destroyed, but me entrails were aflame. I killed every taste bud in me mouth I did for being spiteful. I will learn me as the Weasil says.

After being up most of the night drinking vast quantities of any liquid I could get me hands on to quench not only me thirst, but the everlasting fire that was consuming me insides. From sheer exhaustion did I end up on the couch in a frenzied sleep.

I dreamt that Weasil was sitting in a chair next to me pouring me a Jamesons straight up telling me something about the hair of the pepper that bit me, and I took a healthy down the hatch swig and the fire that was roiling in me stomach lit up like the fires of hell as soon as the alcohol hit.

Next I remember there was YOU with the wooden spoon, standing in me kitchen saying, "Eat that or I swear I will make it snow in New Hampshire like it does in Denver."

"You . . . you . . . you put a spice bag in this!" I accused.

"Do you even know what that is?" You asked.

Well, no not in me dream I didn't, but I got help on that score. Next I hear the person sitting next to me (who was playing with her spoon and NOT eating the spice bag chili by the bye), say to me, "Dublin Spice Bag, look it up."

I jumped near out of me skin for there was Dewdropper, hair growing a mile a minute. I swiped me chili bowl away from the blond tendrils creeping around it. If I hadn't been dreaming I'd have let the hair have the bowl just to see what would happen. But no in me dream I did no such thing because I didn't want to insult YOU over that concoction. Oi!

I looked over at Dew she was disappearing in the hair, I shouted at her, "Why are you doing that?"

"I am building a wall Gabe, a big golden wall and Mexico will pay for it when I'm done. It will be splendidly gargantuan and tremendous. Giant size, truly marvellous, even 100% absolutely terrific."

"WHAT?" I shouted, but too late she was completely gone behind the wall of hair.

I went to sit out of hair range when I jumped again because there was Fiona her head a massive cabbage eating a salad. She patted the bench she was sitting on across from where Dew used to be, signalling me to have a seat. "Come sit here loser," she said. That wasn't happening, I was totally distracted between her cabbage head and her salad and the hair tendrils that were encompassing the other side of the room which was scaring me. Those two events right there should have awoken me, but no I dreamt on stupid me.

I stepped on someones booted foot and realised it was Capt. Jaack, he was watching the wall of hair get bigger and bigger and he said, "If I pour this fabulous bottle of rum, and Gabe it is a fabulous bottle of rum, on that wall over there and Wolfie lights it with his light sabre, well, absolutely 100% it will catch on fire and I guarantee it. It will be adventurous, staggering, behemoth, vast, HUGE."

"Huh?" I said looking around for the Wolf who was standing stock still watching the hair wall mesmerised by it. He had in his hand a light sabre and he gulped as he watched the growing hair wall.

"Why is everyone talking like Donald Trump?" I asked them.

Captain Jaack came swinging on a rope pouring a huge bottle of rum on the hair wall. He swung back and forth three times and on the second I heard the hum of the light sabre and I looked to see Wolf had switched it on and was getting ready to move toward the hair wall.

"No, don't do it," I yelled and as I did I started off in his direction as if to stop him when I tripped over YOU, R. Linda, I hadn't seen your diminutive self standing there watching it all with glee. And when I tripped, the bowl of fire flew into the wall and with a giant WHOOSH the hair wall lit up. Wolfie didn't have to do a thing but he stepped back from the flames looking at his light sabre not knowing how he lit the wall up, which he hadn't. Talk about dazed and confused, he was both those things.

"Wowwee woo woo -- a maz ing," Weasil said suddenly appearing beside me. "Makes ya wanna be a pyromaniac, heh heh."

Before I could react to that pearl, Wolfie was shouting to Jaack to get water, there was a person in the wall. Well, that person was the Dewdropper. I could just make her out choking on the smoke as the fire roared as it moved towards her.

"No water, you'll make it worse I guarantee it, fetch salt it is fabulous, you stupid lightweight." Fiona shouted still shoving greens in her cabbage hole.

"No, let it burn that's not Dewdropper in there, look at that hair, moron." You said pointing the spoon and simultaneously getting Jaack in a headlock so his pail of water splashed to the floor.

Wolfie made to walk by you to the fire, only you tripped him and once he was to his knees you threw Jacck from you with the spoon and grabbed Wolfie running your fingers through his "good hair." I was aghast.

"Unhand his hair," I said but you were totally enjoying the experience and no longer conscious of anything but his professionally coiffed hair. "Stop I say."

"I can't it is so elegant, done in a classy style, absolutely 100% fabulous and above all stylish." You said as I tried to wrestle you off him.

"Stop! Both of you this is detrimental to my fabulous good looks," Wolfie stammered, trying to catch a hold of your roving hands. "You are a nasty woman! My hair!"

"Look how fetching you look now," you said to him, "you are fabulously engaging."

I stood up, I didn't know what to say. There he was sitting on the floor, and there you were standing next to him smoothing down his tresses and I realised standing you were as tall as he was sitting. I had to shake meself from that reverie.

"Oh my god, DEW we forgot about DEW." I shouted as everyone came running from wherever they had disappeared to and well, fire was out. And sitting there completely bald was Donald Trump. He looked a little disoriented.

"Are you ok?" I called him.

"Not bad, not bad. Feeling a bit obtuse, but other than that, not bad."

"Fabulous." I said.

I woke up then, not sure what the hell that was all about, still not sure. But one thing I am sure of, no more of your spicy food suggestions. Uh huh.

Gabe
Copyright © 2017 All rights reserved

23 January, 2017

Me wonderful day on the frozen lake

23 January 2017
847

R. Linda:

Well, here I be awaiting 7 to 8 more inches of snow on top of what be already out there. I understand (since I have opted out of telly watching) the New England Patriots are going to the Super Bowl and everyone up here be happy about that at least. Meanwhile, the day has dawned drizzly and gloomy and seems to have been this way since the coronation. I hope we don't have this continue in the atmosphere as most of us already have a dark cloud over our heads. Anyhootie, I remember the last sunny day up here (vaguely) and in me quest to keep your and my mind off the obvious elephant in the nation, I thought I'd post a couple of pictures (since I know you love pictures of snow).

Let me preface these first two shots with how they came about and what they are. On Saturday I had to work, so off I went on another dumb assignment this time snowmobile races on a frozen lake. Yup, I love to be outdoors in frigid weather, standing on  ice, the wind blowing over the open lake, yeah it doesn't get much better than that -- not! I bundled up in me insulated parka, had me a knit hat and me parka hood over that. Warm gloves, boots to the knees and a pair of ice skates just in case I had to keep up with sleds as they zoomed across the ice with me handy dandy action camera, aka me I Phone. Can you picture it? For sure you can!

I did not know that some of these gents on the lake (and I use that term loosely) fire up their snowmobiles or sleds as they call em' up here, with nitrous oxide. Holy cannoli R. Linda, these things  fly across the icy lake and I knew no way would I be able to film them while skating a distance away in the same direction. No, unless as some helpful bud offered, with the aid of a small tank attached to each skate and fuelled with hybrid rocket fuel was I going to be able to keep up.

I know I should have let them do it and they would have. You'd have had a laugh if not downright hysterics over me being propelled over solid ice at a rate of speed that me brain can't conceive, zooming away into the woods unable to stop. Yup, so I declined that offer. These New Hampshire boys are all out for fun. Yes they are, I have never met so many crazies in me life! I thought Northern Ireland was bad, but no, no, they could learn a thing or two from the swamp yankee kingdom of New England.

I did me best but the sleds were blurs and not worth the effort of me trying to film. I decided instead to just watch and report and not waste life and limb on moving along the ice (which cracks like crazy R. Linda, sounds like thunder underground. This scared the bejesus out of me, but I was told it was the ice merely thickening, uh huh). I was offered the shelter between races of a bob house where inside they were setting it up. I found a sofa, easy chair, bunk beds, small kitchenette, and best of all a wood stove. I have pictures of before it was fully set up! I was too cold once it was set up to take it all done up because quite literally, me brain was frozen by that time along with me fingers, bur! Wanna see? Look below:

One end
The other end
Now you've seen the inside of a bob house, a rather large one at that. The bob houses tend to be clustered in places together where they form a compound of friends and family. Some stay overnight in them (that's why bunk beds) and other bob houses are scattered about dotting the lake in blobs of colour. Made me wonder what you do if the ice cracks and your bob house with you in it, are on the crack. I was told the houses 'bob' that's why the name. I can't imagine.

What stuns me be the amount of vehicles driven out on the lake. There are campers, trucks, large trucks and then there are the air planes. Yes, R. Linda while I was standing there waiting for one of the many races to begin, a plane landed and a SUV went out to meet the occupants and bring them to one of the bob houses for drinks and race watching. I tell ya!

Here ya go, pics of the plane landing and taking off:

Landing
Takeoff
Yes indeedie me, it was a frigid day for yours truly doing what he likes best, standing out on the frozen tundra with frozen fingers trying to handle a camera and be a good joe at the same time. Yeah works for me -- not!

Gabe
Copyright © 2017 All rights reserved

22 January, 2017

Mad onna wanting to blow up the White House and me more interested in her cheek balls

22 January 2017
846

R. Linda:

Oh you don't know how hard I be biting me tongue and sitting on me fingers to keep from going wild humour over current events. There be so much writing fodder being thrown around out there it be to the extreme I be TRYING to behave and ignore it. Many others are picking that stuff up and running with it and the more they run the more the makers of it throw out. So because I have to get this yearning to go hog wild out of me system I will be only mentioning one event that I just cannot ignore. And which be that out of all the thousands of craziness being strewn about? It be Madonna!

I cannot help meself but I sat mesmerised thinking to meself, what has she done to her face? She looks like she's trying to look like Faye Dunaway. She has some kind of balls implanted at the bottom of her chipmunk cheeks that catch into six dimples on each side of her face and interfere with the botox. I be fascinated by plastic surgery gone awry. Lookie here:

Courtesy Fox News - Do you see them?
I was knocked out of me contemplation of those lower cheek balls at the three times mention of the f word. I started to pay some attention, and it was difficult because of those cheek balls let me tell ya, but suddenly she is spouting about wanting to blow up the White House, O M G! R. Linda, I image a lot of people are thinking it but no one would really do it let alone say it out loud, BUT Mad onna did. Yup she did and I had to play it back to make sure I heard right and I did!

So right away I be thinking, well Mad, the whole world be watching especially Kellyanne Conway and gees Louise but I bet by midnight or as late as tomorrow your arse will be on the investigation list for terrorists activity. And sure enough . . . What next the no fly list? I think Mad should have tried to contain her anger by saying something that might give the depressed masses out there hope instead of inciting something that would land her in a whole lot of censored trouble. Problem with celebrities be they are very full of themselves (most of them) and they think saying things like that makes them sound like a big deal, seemingly forgetting that what they said could influence some half brained scoundrel to think it a good idea and go do it because Mad said she'd do it or like to do it, or thought of doing it.

I be one for non-violence so this spouting off of awful thoughts where some innocent people and an American historical landmark could be ended bothers me. No matter how much one abhors the people and the man in that landmark, there are other ways of dissent. I also believe the power of the people is greater than any one figurehead. I do wish things were different but they are not. Of course, it doesn't help those of us that had the wait and see attitude; we are now seeing too early how things happening and being said are making the fear level go way up instead of staying in a steady range and the wait and see be slowly losing its grip on minds that were willing to hope.

If the media nonsense coming from that landmark doesn't stop it's only going to get worse. When I think about the great and weighty matters that are before us, I get rather pissed off when a war between the powers that currently occupy the White House and the huge media conglomerates break out. Would you not think the White House would be focused and preoccupied with matters of state instead of how many people showed up to see a swearing in, how many people rode mass transit and complaints that reporting by media outlets wasn't more positive? Come on!

So to Mad onna, I say "Get off the soapbox and do something constructive Mad. Adding to the hostility in this country be not the solution."

I have said me piece and I be finished with system wash out, getting off me own soapbox now. Oh and Mad, get the balls out of your cheeks and grow some someplace else where it matters.

Gabe
Copyright © 2017 All rights reserved