I often ponder what the world be coming to, but more importantly me ego is wondering what in the world me own world be coming to, especially if the world was to run out of coffee. I tell ya right up front, I'd be totally useless. Coffee be me life blood, me fix. Without it I become someone I don't recognise. Take the other morning, I got up because the dogs were making a ruckus they wanted out, they wanted to be fed, and they simply did not care it was the crack of dawn they were getting me up to satisfy their wants over me want of sleep!
I blindly went about the process of watering and feeding, and letting out. I was then waylaid by the cats, who wanted equal treatment, and so the same thing and THIS did not put me in a good mood. I knew I wouldn't make it back to bed, I was up even if I was in a sleep induced fog.
Enter the old one, shuffling in and muttering did I make the coffee? Well, duh no, no I didn't. I had been quite a bit busy!
She pulled up a stool and planted her elbows on the counter top, head in hands as if she had a headache and does nothing! I be starting to feel the insult of me doing everything for everyone. I grabbed the coffee pot, filled it with water, then fumbled for the coffee filters, slapped one in the coffee thingee and then grabbed the canister of coffee and what ho! NO FREAKING COFFEE. I was near beside meself I tell ya. How could this happen? We had coffee yesterday, then it dawned on me. The old woman (since arriving upon these shores) has developed the penchant for many cups of the black gold every hour on the hour and makes at least five pots a day, which she has the luxury of sipping at her leisure.
|EMPTY!!! Oh the horror.|
I threw the measurer in the sink with a bang and that woke her with a start.
"Oh coffee be ready?" She asked blinking.
"No, coffee be not ready, there be no coffee because someone, I won't mention who, has drunk it all and did not replace it."
Nothing, not a stir, just sat there blinking at me like she had never seen me before in her entire life.
I sat across the counter staring at her as she blinked her way to sinking her head on her arms, on the counter and either she was feigning sleep or really back at it. I was about to shake her awake when the cheery wife enters with good mornings all around and if not for that I wouldn't have known the status of me mam, but that she gave herself away with a muffled "good morning'."
I explained the coffee situation in halting sentences trying to keep the tears from spilling over me face, as the pain of knowing I had to start me day coffee-less was more than staring me right in the face or in this case, empty cup. This explanation of a coffee hound's flagrant misuse of coffee, who was sitting across from me, brought that particular person to semi-conscientiousness as she mumbled her protests and said how I got her started on loving that beverage so therefore, it was all me fault!
The wife pulled a fast one and took herself off by covertly opening the side door where we could not see or hear her existing the bickering abode as she did not like mother/son confrontations and there have been some doozies! It took us two hours to discover the wife had left us on our own.
"Maybe she went for coffee," Mam suggested all hopeful.
"No, she went shopping, she does that when we bicker if you haven't noticed." I said pointing out the set of copper jello molds she decorated the kitchen with, the set of new cutlery we did not need, the new door mats, the set of wooden spoons, and the new curtains (we also did not need). That tell ya how many argys me and Mam have had?
Well, to make a very long coffee-less day short, Tonya did not appear until 5 p.m. Meanwhile, mam and I sat at the counter in our pyjamas, bickering. When Tonya appeared, she greeted us with, "Look what I bought Bickersons!"
She bought a Kurig coffee maker which lit the two of us still sleepy people up, only to find she forgot the K cups. How does that happen? She had picked up tea and hot chocolate K cups no coffee! I was near beside meself as she went back to the car to check for coffee K cups. She thought she bought some, so maybe they fell out of the bag.
I knew that would be too good to be true and as we two coffee-less wonders waited for her to come back the snipping started again.
"I tink wit dis ting she bought you will horde da cuppy tings." Mam threw at me.
We didn't even have it set up, we had no coffee k cups and already I was being accused of doing what she probably had in mind to do herself, I tell ya!
Tonya returned with a cup of Dunk's coffee in hand and wow did mam and I perk up. She took the last sip and announced she had not bought the coffee k cups. WHO DOES THAT TO SUFFERING PEOPLE? Stands there making a terrible announcement all the while holding a cup of joe and when asked if she had the wherewithal to buy US a cup, was told no, she thought by now we had gone out and gotten coffee. AS IF!
"Do you mean we are still out of coffee for tomorrow?" She asked.
I could have killed the cat I was so angry at her. DUH we are both still in pyjamas, does it look like we are wired? So no, we have not been out of the house.
She had put the Styro cup down. I grabbed it before me mam could get her arthritic hands around it and flipped off the lid. There at the bottom was one single drop! If I was not in coffee hell all day, I would have lifted the cup up to me mouth and let that last precious drop cruise into me waiting mouth, but because I could not focus, as the result of no coffee I tried to put me tongue inside the cup trying to lap up that last drop and of course me tongue isn't 8" long and couldn't do it! Even me mam groaned at me inability to get that last drop.
Well, that did it, I'll show Tonya. I took the left over Brussel sprouts (which I hate and she likes), threw them in the microwave and then ate every last one of them!
"I hope you're happy now that you have a vitamin rush probably going on, on an empty stomach no less, Mister." Said she.
"I be so." Said I as defiantly as I could.
I swiped me keys off the counter, put me slippers on and in full pyjama kit I was off to me car to drive to Dunken Donuts. Not because I had finally caved in for coffee craziness, it was because the taste of the Brussel sprouts was so yucky I couldn't stand it. I wasn't about to down a gallon of water in front of a smirking Tonya to kill the taste, so in me brainless haze I thought driving away the next best thing. See THIS is what happens when there is no coffee in the morning, brain does not work. And worse it causes you to do stupid things like eat Brussel sprouts when you don't even like them.
I noticed I needed petrol and was thinking I'd get me cuppa joe, some bags of dark roast for later and tomorrow, and then fill the old motor up with it's own brand of coffee. But as I pulled in to the petrol station/Dunken Donuts, I became vaguely aware of the sound of bing, bing, bing, which I had heard almost all the way to Dunks. It was the motor telling me it was on empty. I stopped and debated for not even a nanosecond that first was coffee, second was petrol. I pulled up to the drive thru and was two feet from the order microphone when me car died. Yes, if freaking died! Angry now, I got out and slammed the door shut, walked up to the order mic and gave me order. I walked around to the pick up window, much to the surprise of the workers inside, who noticed the outfit or lack of, got me two bags of coffee, gave me two cups (yes, I bought one for the old coot) and then walked over to the curb and sat down to enjoy and savour me cuppa.
Meanwhile, I am hearing the honking of horns when I realised there was a long line of cars in the drive thru line and they were honking at me empty motor. Nothing I could do about that I thought, still not thoroughly awake. I was still in need of coffee, so I started on the one I had bought me mam. As I was sitting on me curb, savouring, I saw a tow-truck, but I gave it no mind, and soon after I hear it coming around the building and what is it hauling? You guessed it, me petrol empty Saturn!
That got me awake with a jolt. I could have (had I been thinking clearly) gone over to the petrol station and got someone to steer the motor while I pushed it to a petrol dispenser. NOW I was going to be paying a 5 yard tow bill! REALLY? Oh yes, really. I went over to the station and they asked where I had been, and then handed me a bill for $150.00 towing charge and informed me they did me a favour before someone called the police and I got a fine for obstructing the flow of traffic through a drive thru (a coffee drive thru at that) and an impound fee. REALLY?! I mean REALLY REALLY? WOW. That was all I could say.
I vaguely wondered why they were looking at me funny and it wasn't until I was home, I realised what I was wearing. I was still in me PJ's and slippers!
I wrote out a cheque, had them gas up the motor, paid for that, and laid rubber taking off out of there. I was so furious, I hadn't realised I left me two bags of paid for coffee on the curb outside Dunks. I was so embarrassed (yes, the brain was kicking in) I did not drive back because I knew that bags of ground roast would be GONE! So when I got home empty handed, me mam was ready for me. Oh yes she was. It wasn't pretty I can tell ya that much!
Having disowned me as a son, she (still in her pyjamas), got in her Mini and off she went for a Turbo coffee and she probably bought the same two bags of dark roast, because the girl at the checkout said she just happened to have two bags left by some crazy absent minded customer who was dressed in pyjamas can you believe it. The girl stopped talking when she realised what she was looking at. An old lady in HER pyjamas! Uh huh. Mam told Tonya because of her Irish accent she goes inside because it takes an age of repeating herself at the drive thru. She said service was great, but the people that worked there were strange. They were looking at her funny. This said in the middle of the kitchen, her in pyjamas with fuzzy slippers and an old bathrobe, sipping her Turbo, completely oblivious.
I am sure she will realise WHY the Dunk's people were staring at her and the girl cut herself off abruptly when she comes down from the wired, bustling, coffee charged jolt her brain is currently experiencing. Me house is the cleanest I've ever seen it, she's somehow managed six loads of wash in two hours, and the floors shine so much they look like mirrors. I would love to laugh at her, but I did the same thing pyjama-wise and worse. So we won't be going there.
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