29 July, 2014

He's the man!

08 August 2014
747

R. Linda:

Well, now I've seen it all. The bi-annual trip to Kittery, Maine with Mr. Weasil and Mr. Kincaid has come and gone until the fall. Yes, indeed.

I should stop here and say no more, but I can't help meself I need to get this out. This trip was filled with flirting up a girl with a boyfriend, one of us getting punched in the face for our nerve, an entire pizza that disappeared while one of us was minding the food, ordering speciality drinks we had no clue existed and worse liking one of them, a rather harrowing drive to Maine being cut off by a logging truck, and the missing cheese on the cheeseburger.

I got the cryptic message on me voicemail from a voice that was all too familiar. It didn't identify itself but then it didn't have to.

"Itz da man, me an Willie Wonka be at yer door tomorry." CLICK.

Well, ok then lucky me, and how is it the young whippersnapper knows when I have a day off I wanna know!

I knew what that message meant, yes, I knew the time for the Tri-State Tour was coming up I just didn't know when, but now I did know and I was in a terror over it because I now knew! Yes, I was terrified, those two miscreants make sure I end up in not one or two states in the union, but THREE! Always we end up in Massachusetts at the Dunkin' Donuts in Salisbury because as "the man" says, "It be da nicest Dunks in da worl and we needies us to go dere at leastie once a year ta pay homage!" When put like that . . .

Now we have something new going on with the Weasil. Ever since he found out that Wolfie and little Wolfie went to Brazil to see England lose the World Cup (I need not mention NI nor the Republic qualified for the games?) ANYWAY, they did this dastardly trip WITHOUT the Weasil in tow. Yes, they never mentioned it, never said they had tickets, never said they had hotel reservations, airline tickets, no, they mentioned nothing, never even said the words -- World Cup, Brazil, GREAT SEATS,  GOOD TIME, notta! This situation (as you can well imagine) got the Weasil in a snit it did and out of that snit came the birth of THE MAN. Yes, Weasil refers to himself as THE MAN, or in Weasilese, "Da man!" OK THEN.

I don't know how Rabbie Kincaid became Willie Wonka, but when one considers the size of that great Scot the images of tons of candy bars seem to invade the imagination. But enough on Kincaid, I digress, let's get back to DA MAN because I must get this out and off me chest once and for all.

Now in the scheme of things, I knew none of this. I had not a clue the Wolf clan had gone to the games, but in hindsight, that doesn't surprise me. That Weasil knew about it doesn't surprise me either as he knows all about everybody, every day, every hour, because he hacks into their phones, computers, any electronic device any of us might have is NOT safe I tell ya! Thus, the covert plans between the two were KNOWN, yes they were R. Linda.

What better way to get back at the two Wolves than plan something just as spectacular . . . only in his case, the Weasil could come up with nothing. But the tri-state tour was coming up so THAT would have to do (yeah like the two Wolf twins would be salivating over a stupid trip to Maine and back when there were all those babes in Rio -- give me a freaking break).

The next day dawned bright and clear and there it was that shiny red Mustang slowly pulling up me driveway, the crunch of gravel under the tyres warning me that the two ball busters had arrived. Reluctantly, I scraped meself off the door I was holding shut and opened it cautiously. I saw no booby traps so I went out to the vehicle.

I slipped quietly into the back seat because it was plain the two of them had pulled an all-nighter. They had circles under their eyes like two raccoons about to steal through a cat door and raid the kitchen. There were steaming cups of Dunks in the cup holder by the console. A hand slowly and unsteadily handed me a cup of me own. I was grateful and grunted thanks in response so as not to rock the zoned-out boat the two of them were obviously in.

We slowly crept down the driveway to the sound of gravel crunching again, then silently down the smooth paved driveway of me old neighbour to the road where we came to a stop and it took a few seconds for the Weasil's brain to kick in as to what direction to go. I tell ya! When the decision was made he realised halfway through the turn he was going in the wrong direction and without looking made a U-turn in the middle of the road. Thank God it was a country road less travelled. Gees the man!

We backed up, we went forward, we backed up again, we went forward! This took something like 20 minutes. I think I caught a nap it took so long.

It wasn't until a half hour later both boyos kicked out of rote and became as human as they can manage between them. The chat turned lively and stupid as usual and I shut me eyes, sipped me coffee and hoped they would forget I was even in the motor with them.

But that didn't happen as you can well guess. They poked fun at me between reminisces between them. I sat back there and responded with, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

All the way up to Maine we had this logging truck that would pass us and then we'd pass it and this was going on until I got a wee bit concerned that we were playing auto roulette with a large crushing weight on gigantic wheels. The driver of the logger was not looking pleasant when he passed us and this concerned me more. But not the Weasil, he'd fly by that truck and each time yelling out the open window, "Ima da man!"

Somehow we made it to Maine in one piece but not before we were almost run off the road as we came up to a toll booth. The truck swerved around us and cut us off to get in front as we were slowing for the stop. Of course, the truck went to the truck lane, but it pulled off slowly making Weasil near put us through the windscreen as he applied the brakes.

I tell ya, the young whippersnapper should know better than fool with truckers! But his excuse to me was he be DA MAN and being he be DA MAN he has to act like he's DA MAN. Of course, he had a word for the driver of the logging rig that sounded like a trucker but wasn't. I'll leave you to rhyme that one out.

Not the logger we were playing motor roulette with, but you get the idea

Because of all the excitement, that left a powerful thirst in the occupants of the front seat. By now I had a headache and an empty cup. It was decided we'd stop at a Dunken Donuts, no not the one in Massachusetts, and thank the Lord for small favours. Now I happen to like the Arnold Palmer drink Dunk's offers. I had a similar drink at a restaurant and besides the iced tea and lemonade, it was spiked with rum. Very tasty but I knew this would be sans rum at Dunks, but I needed something cold. So we pulled up and I told Weasil what I wanted and he and Rabbie got a laugh. I be thinking they think I be ordering a girly drink, but no they thought I was making it up. Weasil kept saying I was trying to embarrass him because he is The Man, and Rabbie kept saying, "Come on dude get serious wot do ye want?" I swore up and down it was a real drink and just order it. So Da Man reluctantly orders an Arnold Palmer. The voice comes back and asks if he wants whipped cream on the Arnold Palmer. Well, now the Weasil believes me. I say no, he relays the message and in the passenger seat a snickering Rabbie leans towards Weasil's open window and asks for a "Monica Lewinski."

"You didn't just do that." I remarked looking with gaping jaws of incredulity at Mr. Kincaid, but before he could respond the voice came back and said, "Of course, there is whipped cream on THAT one." And we could hear an evil snickering coming back over the loudspeaker but we weren't sure. We all exchanged looks, but there was an increasing scowl on Kincaid's brow as he had no clue what to expect in a cup, and he got a cup. Of what we are not sure, but it had whipped cream on top and was kind of creamy looking. Stupid drank it and rather liked it and I dread think he will be ordering Monicas at every Dunk's he goes to.

Once we had the thirst in the front seat sated, it was announced by Wonka he was hungry and not for chocolate, he wanted pizza. So what did Weasil do? He drove directly to a pizza place. We went inside, ordered a large pizza with the works and sat down with cokes. As we are sitting there waiting for the pizza, this rather lovely and long-legged chickie comes in and orders a coke. She was standing at the counter minding her own business when the two bozos decided they needed to get her attention. So without ado, Weasil got himself up to his full height and stalked over to where she was standing and started a conversation with her in his best British.

She, poor brain-dead thing, did not know this was a Weasil ploy and was rather overcome with the smilies as she turned to listen to him lay it on thick. I for one, was horrified a married individual (even the Weasil) would do such a thing so I elbowed fatso and said, "You are single, you gonna let him take your girl?"

"She nought me girl ye knoo. Never seen er' before." Says stupid.

"And you never will at this rate," I interjected.

"Huh? Oh, ye think I should goo an jaw wit er' say wot?"

I nodded not sure what the hell he had said. And that must have been the right thing to do because he got himself groaning to his feet and shuffled up to the other side of the beauty who was pretty smitten with Weasil or so it seemed. Either that or she was trying to be polite and think of a way to run out.

However, being sandwiched between the two of them got her brain working that she might not be safe. Oh gee, do ya think? So she found an excuse to leave as soon as she got her coke.

Weasil came back and sat down like he had failed, as the other one continued to stand at the counter watching her go off into the noontime sunshine.

"Dint she SEE she wuz talkin' wit DA MAN?" He commiserated. "Wots wrong wit 'er?"

Suddenly without warning, Rabbie says, "I'll be right back," with an obvious determination in his voice, and heads out the door. I could see a group of young people and the young chickie complaining to one rather jacked fella, and I kind of figured out what or rather who she was complaining. As Rabbie came up to the group, one young man looked rather disturbed as he stared at the oncoming Rabbie. Me brain was saying to meself, "Uh oh, this cannot be good."

The two of us sat there trying to see as the circle of people closed around Rabbie, blocking any view. I told Weasil I was going to go look for him and if the pizza came while I was thus engaged, have the pizza guy keep it warm until we came back.

I went outside and saw our Mr. Kincaid in a dilemma of huge sorts. Seemed the girl didn't like he followed her and her BOYFRIEND didn't like he followed her and well, there was a bit of ear-boxing going on between the boyfriend and Willie Wonka AKA Rabbie Kincaid.

I ran up to stop it and near had me sunglasses broken by Rabbie swinging at me because he was in a muck sweat and not looking who he was batting at. I dragged him away with the shouts of the boyfriend coming after us saying depreciating things about Rabbie's nerve and weight, yes he just had to get that in, and then at me as some "tall drink of water with as funny an accent" as Rabbie's and illegal aliens, and oh it went on and on and on all the way to the pizza place.

I got Rabbie inside pulling on his collar and throwing him in a chair which considering his weight wasn't an easy task, and it was then we both noticed that the pizza tray was empty, but there was evidence there had been a pie on it from the crumbs left.

"Did you eat that entire pizza by yourself?" I asked Weasil trying to catch me breath.

"Yuppers I dun so," he mumbled through a mouthful of pizza crust. "I eat when I gits me excited and all datty goin' on outty dere . . . AND Iz da man ya sees so welly!"

You can't leave the Weasil alone he won't do something like that.

"Wot 'appened ta YOU?" He asked Rabbie.

"I wuz jumped frum behind."

"Yeah you got jumped from behind, that's why your face is all hacked," I said annoyed.

"Why is it me and Justin Bieber can't catch a break?" He moaned.

Wonders of wonders though Rabbie had lost his appetite so we decided to carry on, Rabbie looking like he had been dragged face down through the parking lot (which I kind of think he was) and off we went.

The shopping experience was as painful as it usually is. Weasil decked himself out in a light blue Lauren polo shirt, a Ralph Lauren navy blue blazer with a coat of arms on the pocket, white linen trousers, no socks and deck shoes topped off with a captains hat. Oi! He stopped at every mirror in all the stores we went into to admire his manly reflection. "Iz DA MAN!" he'd say loud enough for the entire store to hear him. I tell ya! After a while, I was laughing so hard at this display I had to take meself several aisles away to contain the laughter. The other one had bags of tie-dyed shirts from Old Navy in XXL and was feeling quite the hippy. Which he looked anything but. He looked like a homeless beach bum high on himself. And me, nothing as usual. Just along to be insulted. Like this for example:

Weasil: "Sos yer tellin' me yer bad self wuz not popular in school. Wuz datty dere all da way through school, or just in da beginnin' when yer wuz an ugly little kid?"

Me: "No, I said I was shy and reserved most of me school days until I got to college and then I was very social."

Rabbie: "Yeah well, when someone says that about themselves we think . . . " and they both said this together holding their fingers up in an 'L', "LOSER!"

Me: "Thanks. Wow."

There be no need to tell anymore, but one last crazy happening. On the way home, since Rabbie and I had nothing to eat all day thanks to the pizza monster, we stopped at a hamburger joint. Strangely enough, The Man wasn't hungry, gee I wonder why not? Anyway, Rabbie decided to leave Weasil to order for him while he went for a "wash up." Never a good thing to leave Weasil to do anything for oneself and not be there to supervise. Let me tell ya! We get our turn, I ordered a burger, fries and a coke and Weasil ordered Rabbie a Cheeseburger "witoutty da cheese," french fries, onion rings, cole slaw and a super duper-sized coke. I stood there like I wasn't with him because when he ordered the cheeseburger, hold the cheese, the person taking the order stood looking dumbly at him as if he thought the man was kidding with him. The orders came out before Rabbie was back, so me and Weas went to sit down. Rabbie comes up looking all refreshed, hair sopping because he put his head under the sink (don't ask me why) and he pulls up a chair or I should say scrapes the chair along the floor like fingernails on a blackboard, and sits it down.

"Sos wot ye order me?" He says rubbing his hands together looking down at the giant burger.

"A Cheeseyburger," says you-know-who.

"Ooh good!" Says the Scot and he bites into it and is chewing along and talking with his mouth full until the very end he notices something seems to be missing. He was running his tongue over his teeth so I decided to take the plunge.

"How'd you like that cheeseburger?" I asked genuinely wondering how he could demolish the burger and not notice there was no cheese thanks to his cohort in crime.

"It wuz good but I dint taste the cheese," he says frowning.

"Datty dere iz cuz ya ate it too fast." The Man comments with a sneer.

"I guess," sighed Rabbie, "but good cheese iz like that ye don't tastes it roight away."

OK then! I wanted to knock their heads together. Is Kincaid that stupid? Well, I guess so! And Da Man was enjoying the stupidity no end, I can tell ya that much!

We took off after that, the man snickering himself silly all the way to the motor, Kincaid oblivious, his tongue still searching his teeth for remnants of cheese, and me just wanting to get home as soon as possible. I'd had enough. But me getting home fast didn't happen because we went to Salisbury to the Dunken Mecca of New England, and once again Da Man was in rare form, announcing as we walked in, to the whole store he was buying coffee for everyone because he was THE MAN! And everyone was us three, the four people behind the counter and the one guy who already had coffee munching a doughnut, looking stunned at the Weasil's nautical get-up. There was no one else in there! I must find someplace to hide come fall. I can't do this anymore. Any ideas on your part would be appreciated.

Gabe
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7 comments:

mobit22 said...

you were good the pigs were not!LOL

mobit22 said...

There IS no hiding, you're a truffle and some pigs find them Anywhere!

Gabriel O'Sullivan said...

I'm a truffle? Been called a lot of things but never a truffle. Harumph!

Fionnula said...

he's the man all right lol. the cheese-less cheeseburger was a hoot. you need to move and not leave a forwarding address lol

Tomas said...

The Wolf twins? LMAO I have never met the Weasil, sorry about the lack of invite Mr. Weasil but had I known ... but then again it was a super good time in spite of the British loss.

Gabriel O'Sullivan said...

That's how to rub it into the Weasil's not so thick skin, eh? Wait a minute, you guys do what for a living? Why is it . . . you must have a rich uncle or is that daddy?

Dew said...

Great beach reading even though I had a few funny looks coming my way because I was laughing so hard. LOL. Now on to the next story!