16 August 2014
751
R. Linda:
Last week I received an email from Capt. Jaack, who told me he had a gift from Wolfie for me sainted grey-haired, apple-cheeked mam. I had shared with Wolfie Mam's giving up on the male population for having any worth whatsoever and he thought that sad. But he did state he understood her disappointment, after all not everyone could have good hair and be as loyal and well-balanced as himself. Uh-huh.
Anyway, he had sent Jaack something he had found in Japan that he thought would delight me mam and give her a good laugh as well as something to look after to keep her a wee bit busy. Now Jaack said he had seen Wolfie since the trip to Japan and had received the "gift" to give to me mam and he had been looking "after them Mate, fresh water, nice view," every week. What Jaack was talking about I did not know and when I asked, he said he did not know either and couldn't venture a guess because he didn't know what he was looking at. This of course intrigued me no end. What on earth had the Wolf come upon that you couldn't make out what it was, that would make me mam happy, that needed a change of scenery and freshwater? Clueless! But I was thinking whatever it was it must be ALIVE!
"Well, I'll give you me address you can send it on." I emailed Jaack.
"No, you don't understand I can't SEND these through the mail Cappy, I have to BRING them to you." He emailed back.
Now I was truly stymied. So I made a date to meet him next he was down my way.
This Saturday morning very early (because he had a Captain Jack Sparrow booking), our very own Captain pulled up me driveway looking totally unsure he was in the right place until he set eyes on me coming out the door in me wife's bunny slippers which I had not a clue I had slipped into. He knew he was in the right place. Well, I had no coffee so I was in a daze I was, so bunny slippers it was.
"I knew you by the bunny slippers," the Captain said leaning out his window and looking down at them. "Very you I might add."
"Thanks," I quipped back peering in at his passenger seat where a cardboard box sat on the front seat with a tea towel covering it.
I asked him if he wanted to come in but he said he hadn't the time, he'd take a rain check though and with that, he gingerly lifted this heavy cardboard box and gently handed it off to me from the driver's side window. As I say, it had a tea towel over it that was from Ireland and sent by the thoughtful Wolfie from that place because he knew Mam would appreciate the thought. That was I suppose if she did not appreciate what the Japanese things in the box were. I went to pull the towel back but Jacck stopped me by telling me that "they might catch their death, take them inside and then unpack them, Cappy. But I think you can leave them as they are and let your mother get a look first." And he winked at me making me very suspicious of what on earth was in the box. "OH! And Gabe, they are in water so don't slosh the box." He started to back the car up, "Oh, and they don't bite!"
With that he rolled up his window and backed down the driveway, his head nodding at me not to peek, he was watching me. I tell ya! So I went back inside being very careful and I could hear water inside the box, so I carefully set the box on the coffee table in the living room. I decided I'd go make me some joe to keep from peeking. That didn't keep the cat from taking a look though. When I came back into the lounge, there was the cat, head under the towel, one long arm in the box the rest of him hanging out.
I nearly dropped me cup as I ran to get him out of the box before he killed or ate whatever was in there, or it killed and ate him! Once I got him out from under the tea towel he was rubbing up against me and meowing to be let back up on the table. Now I was truly curious as I sat there making sure Mr. Kits stayed floor level. I took a quick sip of coffee, put the cup down quietly and looked around. No one was to be seen, so I extended one arm out toward the towel when a voice made me jump and withdraw it back.
"Is dat me present?" Mam said shuffling into the room.
"Yes, yes it is," I said with a sheepish smile I am sure.
"Aw and dat Wolf be such a taughtful laddie he be." She said, her eyes gleaming in anticipation. "And och! Woulda lookit dat he poot an Irish linen on toup fer goud measure. What a taughtful laddie like I say."
I was frowning now, thinking like I was not a thoughtful lad? Come on! But I held me tongue and temper I did as I watched her slide the towel off and then nearly put her head in the box looking at what was inside. I got real curious when she started talking to whatever was in there, the box muffling this: "Oh, look at yas, yas two . . . ooh such big 'ins ye be, bigger den I remember."
Okay, that was it, I pulled her by her bathrobe sleeve to move her back, but she swatted me and told me to be patient she'd take them out, but before she did she wanted to tell me something about Wolfie.
"Wot about 'em?" I asked in a hurry to see what was in the box.
She picked the box up and stood there waiting for me to settle it down. I did.
"Yer Mr. Wolf has sent me not only a lovely tea linen from the old sod, but he has sent me your father's balls he cut off and dey are a nice shade o' green dey be."
I sat there with me jaws to the ground. No, she never just said that and NO, I didn't just hear that and NO, HE NEVER DID!
She knew I was about to jump out of me seat so she put her hand out to me chest and kept me seated as I heard water sloshing in the box.
"Gabriel you finish yer cuppa and I will get fresh water in here." She said moving off.
"You mean embalming fluid dontcha?" I said still in shock.
I guess the commotion awoke the wife because she came lurching into the lounge asking me why I was shouting so early on a Saturday morning and at who because I was by myself.
How was I to explain? But I didn't have to, the moment she saw the tea towel, she went for it and asked where it came from? Had I a friend on the General Hospital set who sent me the towel for her? Oh, how wonderful, we must frame it just like the one on GH. It dawned on me she thought the towel was from me! I tried to explain, but she was too busy ooh and ahhing over the tea linen.
I stuttered trying to tell me wife that Wolfie had found me errant father, cut off his balls, put them in water and sent them to me mam! And I did get that out without knowing I did because she dropped the tea linen to the floor and stood looking at me in horror.
"WOLF DID WHAT?" She said as if she didn't hear me right the first time.
I shrugged I didn't know what more to say, so I said it again.
"OHHH," she mock laughed, "this is a joke right?"
"No, no joke," I said cryptically, "he's a northern man after all there Ton."
"So are you, I might point out." She pointed out!
"No, I mean a Proddy northern man probably into things he shouldn't like blowing people's kneecaps to bits and stuff like that," I said mindlessly.
"Well . . . " Tonya said giving THAT some thought but before any more could be said, in came me Mam with this small fish bowl of sorts and inside were two things that looked like separated testicles with green fuzz growing on them.
Tonya gasped, bringing her hands to her mouth in horror, stammering, "Is that, is that, is that . . . "
As for me, I could feel the size of me eyes must have been like car headlights as I watched me Mam advance into the room, put the bowl on the table in front of me and smile with great satisfaction at the two green balls in the bowl.
"Are . . . are . . . " Tonya started, "those little glass rocks on the bottom?"
I exploded with a WHAT because the little glass rocks on the bottom were the least of my concerns.
"Well, I don't know," I said flustered.
"Da Wolf put instructions in da box, he did," Mam said, "I hafta keep dem in artificial light and change da water once a week, and no chlorine in da water, and squeeze 'em every so often to get da nitrate outa dem."
Both Tonya and I looked at her in amazement. She said all that like it was nothing. We both directed our gazes back to the balls in the bowl.
"Oh my," Tonya said to me and me back to her.
Later when Mam was elsewhere Tonya and I took a real good look at those green balls.
"Your mum said when you squeeze them they float for a while. I wonder what they feel like."
"Tonya!" I said in genuine shock.
Several times that day we'd both go look at them and every time we did, Mam seemed to know because we could hear her laughing in the other room.
"So glad she thinks this is funny," Tonya whispered.
"Yeah, me poor da. I know he's a bad bad man but . . . cut his balls off? Really? And by Wolf?" I whispered back.
"How much do you think she paid him?" Tonya said.
I didn't get to answer because over our engrossed shoulders came this, "Oh I see ye are gittin' to know Left and Right." And she walked away.
"Left and Right?" Tonya whispered trying to catch her breath.
"That's what she said, OH MY GOD, she named them!" I breathed out quickly looking to see if Mam was within earshot. She wasn't.
'You better fire an emergency email off to that Wolf and find out what condition he left your father in." Tonya hissed.
And I did, I went right up to my loft, locked the doors and emailed the Wolf. I wanted to Skype but he wasn't around. Or, if he was, he wasn't saying so. An hour later I got this:
"Your da is doing well, though his voice is a few octaves higher than it was. He limps a bit, but that will right itself in time. Otherwise, don't you worry none I am an ace with a scalpel."
"BUTCHER!" I shouted at the computer screen and then an IM came ringing in.
Wolf: Calm down your da is fine. I don't know where he is anyway
O'Sully: He better be, so who's balls are they?
Wolf: They are Marimos
O'Sully: Who is this Marimos and what have you done with him? And more important why would you send his balls to me sainted mother?
Wolf: LMAO
O'Sully: Glad you find this funny. Japanese guy is he?
Wolf: Mari means a bouncy ball and Mo is a generic term for plants but in this case a species of algae that grows in water. They are called Marimos, mossy round balls of seaweed I guess. Your mam is in on the joke. So was Jaack.
Nice one on me and Tonya! Oh, and Tonya got me mam watching that soap GH and yes, the two of them are taking that tea linen to be framed for OUR kitchen wall. I suggested they take the Marimos and have them stuffed in a shadow box for Mam's bedroom wall. So far mam likes the idea but she wants the real ones. Oi!
Gabe
Copyright © 2014 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Last week I received an email from Capt. Jaack, who told me he had a gift from Wolfie for me sainted grey-haired, apple-cheeked mam. I had shared with Wolfie Mam's giving up on the male population for having any worth whatsoever and he thought that sad. But he did state he understood her disappointment, after all not everyone could have good hair and be as loyal and well-balanced as himself. Uh-huh.
Anyway, he had sent Jaack something he had found in Japan that he thought would delight me mam and give her a good laugh as well as something to look after to keep her a wee bit busy. Now Jaack said he had seen Wolfie since the trip to Japan and had received the "gift" to give to me mam and he had been looking "after them Mate, fresh water, nice view," every week. What Jaack was talking about I did not know and when I asked, he said he did not know either and couldn't venture a guess because he didn't know what he was looking at. This of course intrigued me no end. What on earth had the Wolf come upon that you couldn't make out what it was, that would make me mam happy, that needed a change of scenery and freshwater? Clueless! But I was thinking whatever it was it must be ALIVE!
"Well, I'll give you me address you can send it on." I emailed Jaack.
"No, you don't understand I can't SEND these through the mail Cappy, I have to BRING them to you." He emailed back.
Now I was truly stymied. So I made a date to meet him next he was down my way.
This Saturday morning very early (because he had a Captain Jack Sparrow booking), our very own Captain pulled up me driveway looking totally unsure he was in the right place until he set eyes on me coming out the door in me wife's bunny slippers which I had not a clue I had slipped into. He knew he was in the right place. Well, I had no coffee so I was in a daze I was, so bunny slippers it was.
"I knew you by the bunny slippers," the Captain said leaning out his window and looking down at them. "Very you I might add."
"Thanks," I quipped back peering in at his passenger seat where a cardboard box sat on the front seat with a tea towel covering it.
I asked him if he wanted to come in but he said he hadn't the time, he'd take a rain check though and with that, he gingerly lifted this heavy cardboard box and gently handed it off to me from the driver's side window. As I say, it had a tea towel over it that was from Ireland and sent by the thoughtful Wolfie from that place because he knew Mam would appreciate the thought. That was I suppose if she did not appreciate what the Japanese things in the box were. I went to pull the towel back but Jacck stopped me by telling me that "they might catch their death, take them inside and then unpack them, Cappy. But I think you can leave them as they are and let your mother get a look first." And he winked at me making me very suspicious of what on earth was in the box. "OH! And Gabe, they are in water so don't slosh the box." He started to back the car up, "Oh, and they don't bite!"
With that he rolled up his window and backed down the driveway, his head nodding at me not to peek, he was watching me. I tell ya! So I went back inside being very careful and I could hear water inside the box, so I carefully set the box on the coffee table in the living room. I decided I'd go make me some joe to keep from peeking. That didn't keep the cat from taking a look though. When I came back into the lounge, there was the cat, head under the towel, one long arm in the box the rest of him hanging out.
I nearly dropped me cup as I ran to get him out of the box before he killed or ate whatever was in there, or it killed and ate him! Once I got him out from under the tea towel he was rubbing up against me and meowing to be let back up on the table. Now I was truly curious as I sat there making sure Mr. Kits stayed floor level. I took a quick sip of coffee, put the cup down quietly and looked around. No one was to be seen, so I extended one arm out toward the towel when a voice made me jump and withdraw it back.
"Is dat me present?" Mam said shuffling into the room.
"Yes, yes it is," I said with a sheepish smile I am sure.
"Aw and dat Wolf be such a taughtful laddie he be." She said, her eyes gleaming in anticipation. "And och! Woulda lookit dat he poot an Irish linen on toup fer goud measure. What a taughtful laddie like I say."
I was frowning now, thinking like I was not a thoughtful lad? Come on! But I held me tongue and temper I did as I watched her slide the towel off and then nearly put her head in the box looking at what was inside. I got real curious when she started talking to whatever was in there, the box muffling this: "Oh, look at yas, yas two . . . ooh such big 'ins ye be, bigger den I remember."
Okay, that was it, I pulled her by her bathrobe sleeve to move her back, but she swatted me and told me to be patient she'd take them out, but before she did she wanted to tell me something about Wolfie.
"Wot about 'em?" I asked in a hurry to see what was in the box.
She picked the box up and stood there waiting for me to settle it down. I did.
"Yer Mr. Wolf has sent me not only a lovely tea linen from the old sod, but he has sent me your father's balls he cut off and dey are a nice shade o' green dey be."
I sat there with me jaws to the ground. No, she never just said that and NO, I didn't just hear that and NO, HE NEVER DID!
She knew I was about to jump out of me seat so she put her hand out to me chest and kept me seated as I heard water sloshing in the box.
"Gabriel you finish yer cuppa and I will get fresh water in here." She said moving off.
"You mean embalming fluid dontcha?" I said still in shock.
I guess the commotion awoke the wife because she came lurching into the lounge asking me why I was shouting so early on a Saturday morning and at who because I was by myself.
How was I to explain? But I didn't have to, the moment she saw the tea towel, she went for it and asked where it came from? Had I a friend on the General Hospital set who sent me the towel for her? Oh, how wonderful, we must frame it just like the one on GH. It dawned on me she thought the towel was from me! I tried to explain, but she was too busy ooh and ahhing over the tea linen.
 |
| Yup she wanted to frame it just like at Kellys on GH |
I stuttered trying to tell me wife that Wolfie had found me errant father, cut off his balls, put them in water and sent them to me mam! And I did get that out without knowing I did because she dropped the tea linen to the floor and stood looking at me in horror.
"WOLF DID WHAT?" She said as if she didn't hear me right the first time.
I shrugged I didn't know what more to say, so I said it again.
"OHHH," she mock laughed, "this is a joke right?"
"No, no joke," I said cryptically, "he's a northern man after all there Ton."
"So are you, I might point out." She pointed out!
"No, I mean a Proddy northern man probably into things he shouldn't like blowing people's kneecaps to bits and stuff like that," I said mindlessly.
"Well . . . " Tonya said giving THAT some thought but before any more could be said, in came me Mam with this small fish bowl of sorts and inside were two things that looked like separated testicles with green fuzz growing on them.
Tonya gasped, bringing her hands to her mouth in horror, stammering, "Is that, is that, is that . . . "
As for me, I could feel the size of me eyes must have been like car headlights as I watched me Mam advance into the room, put the bowl on the table in front of me and smile with great satisfaction at the two green balls in the bowl.
 |
| Here they are! |
I exploded with a WHAT because the little glass rocks on the bottom were the least of my concerns.
"Well, I don't know," I said flustered.
"Da Wolf put instructions in da box, he did," Mam said, "I hafta keep dem in artificial light and change da water once a week, and no chlorine in da water, and squeeze 'em every so often to get da nitrate outa dem."
Both Tonya and I looked at her in amazement. She said all that like it was nothing. We both directed our gazes back to the balls in the bowl.
"Oh my," Tonya said to me and me back to her.
Later when Mam was elsewhere Tonya and I took a real good look at those green balls.
"Your mum said when you squeeze them they float for a while. I wonder what they feel like."
"Tonya!" I said in genuine shock.
Several times that day we'd both go look at them and every time we did, Mam seemed to know because we could hear her laughing in the other room.
"So glad she thinks this is funny," Tonya whispered.
"Yeah, me poor da. I know he's a bad bad man but . . . cut his balls off? Really? And by Wolf?" I whispered back.
"How much do you think she paid him?" Tonya said.
I didn't get to answer because over our engrossed shoulders came this, "Oh I see ye are gittin' to know Left and Right." And she walked away.
"Left and Right?" Tonya whispered trying to catch her breath.
"That's what she said, OH MY GOD, she named them!" I breathed out quickly looking to see if Mam was within earshot. She wasn't.
'You better fire an emergency email off to that Wolf and find out what condition he left your father in." Tonya hissed.
And I did, I went right up to my loft, locked the doors and emailed the Wolf. I wanted to Skype but he wasn't around. Or, if he was, he wasn't saying so. An hour later I got this:
"Your da is doing well, though his voice is a few octaves higher than it was. He limps a bit, but that will right itself in time. Otherwise, don't you worry none I am an ace with a scalpel."
"BUTCHER!" I shouted at the computer screen and then an IM came ringing in.
Wolf: Calm down your da is fine. I don't know where he is anyway
O'Sully: He better be, so who's balls are they?
Wolf: They are Marimos
O'Sully: Who is this Marimos and what have you done with him? And more important why would you send his balls to me sainted mother?
Wolf: LMAO
O'Sully: Glad you find this funny. Japanese guy is he?
Wolf: Mari means a bouncy ball and Mo is a generic term for plants but in this case a species of algae that grows in water. They are called Marimos, mossy round balls of seaweed I guess. Your mam is in on the joke. So was Jaack.
Nice one on me and Tonya! Oh, and Tonya got me mam watching that soap GH and yes, the two of them are taking that tea linen to be framed for OUR kitchen wall. I suggested they take the Marimos and have them stuffed in a shadow box for Mam's bedroom wall. So far mam likes the idea but she wants the real ones. Oi!
Gabe
Copyright © 2014 All rights reserved
15 comments:
ROFLMAO I Don't think human testicles grow moss or are that round! Hilarious that you thought they might be! If they had been, I'd make them brass
LOL things that strangers do are impressive no matter how much a family member does.
Actually these aren't exactly round. When you look down from above, they look suspiciously like the real article only hairy green.
Yuck! LOL
that is a funny story and sounds like something weasel would do not the wolf ... but yeah him too! lmao love, love, love, your mum.
Cappy you live in the sticks. I don't think I could find you again Mate. LOL Beauties those two marimos, looks like Wolf caught you a good pair. I'd love to see footage of him hunting them in a Japanese river. I have to wonder at his patience to catch even one, knowing he has nothing that resembles patience. LOL
Perhaps the Capt. -- not being able to remember where I live is a very good thing. As to Wolf, I imagine the lad in wadders with a fly rod fishing in an ice cold and roaring Japanese river for those moss balls, patience wearing thin where he dives in and bare fisted fetched the rare and mysterious balls from where they were rolling by oblivious to the price on their uh . . . balls. Yesss, I can just imagine THAT.
Tonya's and Gabes house is super easy to find plant life of Tonyas and let's see, wild turkey, bobcat s, beaver s. Deer, lots of birds and a crazy neighbor lady....
It aint eazee 2 findie cuz it iz in de stickies. As fer wolfie HEHEHEHEHEEHEEHEEHEEEEE sendie me a few of dem balls
Wowzers! LOL When was my dad in Japan? This is news and him fishing in a river? I doubt that, the sea maybe, but rivers? LOLOLOLOL Unless he took a trip there and didn't invite me! Then I will be pissed. LOL Troublemaker Gabe
Talk about gangrene LOL
Patience of Jobe....NOT. Lol
UM . . .
All of you should be taken out to the woodshed (as they say in New Orleans) and given a good 'whooping' for the slander set against THIS GUY! Cutting off someone's 'jewels' is repugnant to me, but a good knee caping now you're talking big fella! LMAO You know if it means messing my hair I wouldn't be participating and that goes for surgery where a lot of cutting is done, fly fishing, rip cording, jumping out of aeroplanes, deep sea diving, anything that would mess the do. Not going to happen. Ever! But on another note, I like the look of those balls Gabe, I am mystified why they come in pairs when they don't reproduce. I'd have named them Himself and Herself poor sterile, nitrate loving creatures. Can you tell it took me a good dram of Chivas to write this?
Oh you're back, LMAO
While the cats away the mice will play Lucky! Grand tea linen though LOLOLOL
Himself and Herself LMAO!
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