13 August 2014
750
R. Linda:
I want to know who invented the soft ice cream cone? Such an experience should come with a warning: EAT FAST BUT BE WARNED YOU MAY SUFFER COLD HEADACHE IN THE PROCESS AND A LARGE DRY CLEANING BILL WITH HUMILIATION ON TOP OF IT!
Well, if I had known THAT, things might have gone in a different direction or not at all! But I didn't know THAT and so I was in for it I was. And when I get some free time I am going to go hunting for the inventor of said ice cream.
It was the weekend, last to be exact when me dear old Mam was missing Ireland and in the doldrums over it. Well, I couldn't afford to fly her there and back so I thought I'd do the next best thing take her out for a ride to see lovely scenic and many-treed New Hampshire with a stop at that soft ice cream truck that had installed itself for the summer down the road. Yes, me intentions were all good ones they were, but as with every good intention I have, that too went astray and ended up a sloppy, cold, wet, sticky mess!
I had driven over the hills of Peterborough I did, and then upward and onward all the way to Alstead and back. Her take on this, "I tink you live in one big forest Gabe I 'ave never seen dis many trees since . . . since . . . since I don't knooe."
"But Ma, isn't it all scenic? I mean all these trees and woods and forests and bears?"
"Oooh da bears now dey be da ting dey be." She said looking scared.
We had come upon a family of three crossing the highway and I joked about them looking for Goldilocks and she better duck in case they think she's her. Mam did not find me funny, she sat there like a deer caught in headlights watching them meander across the road. I had stopped so she could see them and what she wanted was for me to floor it and get passed them.
"Ye shouldna stop Gabriel, dey might come an git on da motor and rock us out fer dere dinner!"
I would like to say that would never happen, but it could, so as they crossed one stood up to full height and he was a big fella so I made sure I was way far on the other side of the road as I passed him by, and of course me waving and saying, "Bye bye Michael Collins!" did not earn me any kudos from the little grey-haired, apple-cheeked woman with the big eyes in the passenger seat.
So for the rest of the drive, Mam was unnerved and wanted to go back before something else got her. I was hoping not to see a moose because those are big mothers and that would have had her locked in her room forever, or finding a way back to Ireland in a huge hurry, but I be not mean, I couldn't do that to her, so I turned the car around and we headed back.
I thought to calm her down and since we were not far from me house, I'd stop and get her and me an ice cream. Nice of me right? Intentions good? Oh, so I thought. So she tells me she'll have what I have since she knows nothing about this soft-serve ice cream. And would I mind if she waited in the car in case there were bears about? I tell ya! Well, I got out and went to the stand, looked at the menu and decided on vanilla with the hard chocolate shell topped on a cone. There was one person ahead of me and she ordered one of those and it looked good, but it was a size medium which looked like a size gigantic to me and it was leaning as she was licking at it to keep it upright. So, I decided to be safe and ordered two smalls which were the size of a large! I tell ya. I was told to pay first because once I got the cones I'd want to hoof it to the car. I had no clue why, but ok. So I am handed the first cone and it is wrapped in paper napkin around the cone and I go to the car and handed it in. Then I went back for mine and the same thing.
As I was turning from the counter to go back to the car I hear, "OOOH HELP!" and there was Mam licking her hand, the ice cream and then the top of the cone as the ice cream ran in drippy white streams out of the chocolate hard shell and down the sides to drip where it pleased which was not only her hands but her lap, her blouse, the seat of me car. I tell ya! And, her face was white with the stuff as she tried her best to keep the drips from dripping.
When I got up to her window my cone was dripping too! What to do?
"'Ere lick dis will ya." Mam shoved the drippy mess at me. So there I was looking like a horse's patootie licking her cone from inside the car and then licking me own outside the car. I must have looked like I couldn't get enough of the stuff I was consuming her cone AND mine all at the same time!
Here take a look at this:
So I realised I was being looked at by everyone who was sitting at the benches near the stand. They must have thought me the right pig or just mad. I couldn't wait to get out of there but I couldn't because the damn things were dripping and well . . . you get the picture. So I continued as we'd both lick hers then we both would lick mine, until I got enough cleaned up that I could sprint to the driver's side and get in. Oi!
Only the wind from me running made me cone weep more. I couldn't cut a break! So I had to sit there, at once licking mine, then hers, then mine and she doing the same because we couldn't lick around the top on one side the other didn't weep.
Then something really terrible and awful happened, we stopped in mid lick looking at each other when the cold headache smacked us both in the forehead.
"Owww . . . ooh . . . " Mam moaned.
"Cold headache?" I asked and she nodded, "Me tooo."
So now we sat there smacking our foreheads with sticky napkin bits stuck to our hands and letting the soft ice cream run down our shirt fronts our hands full of the sticky stuff so we could touch nothing and the napkins saturated and tearing in bits and sticking to everything including MY TONGUE!
"Gabriel get out and goo git us sum fresh paper," Mam said.
I looked at her stunned, I was wearing ice cream, me face and hands, arms and clothing covered in it and she wanted ME to get out of the car in front of all those people and get fresh napkins. Oh no, not this guy. I'd had enough observation for one day by the masses thinking me a horse's arse I wasn't about to venture for a second showing. Especially now, covered in paper napkin bits, sticky ice creams, crumbs from the cone, oh no, no, no.
Suddenly she shoved her cone in my other sticky hand and shook her head at me.
"Wha . . .?" I started to utter.
But that didn't stop her from getting out. I wanted to crawl under the dashboard, she had the stuff in her hair, on her face, her clothes! I tried to tell her but she was off to the stand hot for those napkins. People all turned to look at the mess she was and smiles were being exchanged at the humour of it, and it was then I noticed all of them, YES every single one of those people had a CUP under their cones and some had spoons so when the stupid thing melted they could eat it without wearing it!
OI, OI, OI!!!
Live and learn R. Linda. This is the last time I ever do soft-serve ice cream. EVER! And don't tell me about sweets, I learned me lessons on the doughnuts and now the ice cream! So done, done, done.
Gabe
Copyright © 2014 All rights reserved
I want to know who invented the soft ice cream cone? Such an experience should come with a warning: EAT FAST BUT BE WARNED YOU MAY SUFFER COLD HEADACHE IN THE PROCESS AND A LARGE DRY CLEANING BILL WITH HUMILIATION ON TOP OF IT!
Well, if I had known THAT, things might have gone in a different direction or not at all! But I didn't know THAT and so I was in for it I was. And when I get some free time I am going to go hunting for the inventor of said ice cream.
It was the weekend, last to be exact when me dear old Mam was missing Ireland and in the doldrums over it. Well, I couldn't afford to fly her there and back so I thought I'd do the next best thing take her out for a ride to see lovely scenic and many-treed New Hampshire with a stop at that soft ice cream truck that had installed itself for the summer down the road. Yes, me intentions were all good ones they were, but as with every good intention I have, that too went astray and ended up a sloppy, cold, wet, sticky mess!
I had driven over the hills of Peterborough I did, and then upward and onward all the way to Alstead and back. Her take on this, "I tink you live in one big forest Gabe I 'ave never seen dis many trees since . . . since . . . since I don't knooe."
"But Ma, isn't it all scenic? I mean all these trees and woods and forests and bears?"
"Oooh da bears now dey be da ting dey be." She said looking scared.
We had come upon a family of three crossing the highway and I joked about them looking for Goldilocks and she better duck in case they think she's her. Mam did not find me funny, she sat there like a deer caught in headlights watching them meander across the road. I had stopped so she could see them and what she wanted was for me to floor it and get passed them.
"Ye shouldna stop Gabriel, dey might come an git on da motor and rock us out fer dere dinner!"
I would like to say that would never happen, but it could, so as they crossed one stood up to full height and he was a big fella so I made sure I was way far on the other side of the road as I passed him by, and of course me waving and saying, "Bye bye Michael Collins!" did not earn me any kudos from the little grey-haired, apple-cheeked woman with the big eyes in the passenger seat.
So for the rest of the drive, Mam was unnerved and wanted to go back before something else got her. I was hoping not to see a moose because those are big mothers and that would have had her locked in her room forever, or finding a way back to Ireland in a huge hurry, but I be not mean, I couldn't do that to her, so I turned the car around and we headed back.
I thought to calm her down and since we were not far from me house, I'd stop and get her and me an ice cream. Nice of me right? Intentions good? Oh, so I thought. So she tells me she'll have what I have since she knows nothing about this soft-serve ice cream. And would I mind if she waited in the car in case there were bears about? I tell ya! Well, I got out and went to the stand, looked at the menu and decided on vanilla with the hard chocolate shell topped on a cone. There was one person ahead of me and she ordered one of those and it looked good, but it was a size medium which looked like a size gigantic to me and it was leaning as she was licking at it to keep it upright. So, I decided to be safe and ordered two smalls which were the size of a large! I tell ya. I was told to pay first because once I got the cones I'd want to hoof it to the car. I had no clue why, but ok. So I am handed the first cone and it is wrapped in paper napkin around the cone and I go to the car and handed it in. Then I went back for mine and the same thing.
As I was turning from the counter to go back to the car I hear, "OOOH HELP!" and there was Mam licking her hand, the ice cream and then the top of the cone as the ice cream ran in drippy white streams out of the chocolate hard shell and down the sides to drip where it pleased which was not only her hands but her lap, her blouse, the seat of me car. I tell ya! And, her face was white with the stuff as she tried her best to keep the drips from dripping.
When I got up to her window my cone was dripping too! What to do?
"'Ere lick dis will ya." Mam shoved the drippy mess at me. So there I was looking like a horse's patootie licking her cone from inside the car and then licking me own outside the car. I must have looked like I couldn't get enough of the stuff I was consuming her cone AND mine all at the same time!
Here take a look at this:
 |
| Me Mam's cone still a drippy mess but not as bad as it was |
Only the wind from me running made me cone weep more. I couldn't cut a break! So I had to sit there, at once licking mine, then hers, then mine and she doing the same because we couldn't lick around the top on one side the other didn't weep.
Then something really terrible and awful happened, we stopped in mid lick looking at each other when the cold headache smacked us both in the forehead.
"Owww . . . ooh . . . " Mam moaned.
"Cold headache?" I asked and she nodded, "Me tooo."
So now we sat there smacking our foreheads with sticky napkin bits stuck to our hands and letting the soft ice cream run down our shirt fronts our hands full of the sticky stuff so we could touch nothing and the napkins saturated and tearing in bits and sticking to everything including MY TONGUE!
"Gabriel get out and goo git us sum fresh paper," Mam said.
I looked at her stunned, I was wearing ice cream, me face and hands, arms and clothing covered in it and she wanted ME to get out of the car in front of all those people and get fresh napkins. Oh no, not this guy. I'd had enough observation for one day by the masses thinking me a horse's arse I wasn't about to venture for a second showing. Especially now, covered in paper napkin bits, sticky ice creams, crumbs from the cone, oh no, no, no.
Suddenly she shoved her cone in my other sticky hand and shook her head at me.
"Wha . . .?" I started to utter.
But that didn't stop her from getting out. I wanted to crawl under the dashboard, she had the stuff in her hair, on her face, her clothes! I tried to tell her but she was off to the stand hot for those napkins. People all turned to look at the mess she was and smiles were being exchanged at the humour of it, and it was then I noticed all of them, YES every single one of those people had a CUP under their cones and some had spoons so when the stupid thing melted they could eat it without wearing it!
OI, OI, OI!!!
Live and learn R. Linda. This is the last time I ever do soft-serve ice cream. EVER! And don't tell me about sweets, I learned me lessons on the doughnuts and now the ice cream! So done, done, done.
Gabe
Copyright © 2014 All rights reserved
5 comments:
yeah you gave up sweets not! lmao you should have taken pictures of your stickiness would have been a hoot.
ROFLMAO what is sweet is you a STICKY mess with BRAIIN FREEZE! being chased by a bear would have been a bonus bit only AFTER the soft serve. Getting licked by a bear troop.LMAO
Yeah and if I did probably turn you on. So NO.
During my visit to your home, you were always good looking. Clean or messy, you have nothing to hide.LMAO SHOULD have taken a few messies for proof!
Glad you didn't and kind of you, but I know what you are up to and it won't work, LMAO
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