Driving The Captain's Car With The Captain In It This Time

31 October 2015

789

R. Linda:

Well, I got me wish or curse, as the case may be told. I got a call early this morn, the Captain had a gig down in Massachusetts and would be sailing by me abode on the way home if I liked. I was coffee-less as it were and said, "Sure Captain, sail on in, I'll have the dock ready for the Pearl. Har!" And so it was the Pearl sailed in with the Captain at the helm. I was ordered back inside to get me Captain Hook costume on, but Hook disappeared in the move, so out of the boot of the Pearl the Captain produced Hook's brother Bentley Hook's blue pirate coat, ruff, hat, wig, and SWORD. The sword was the thing, if it wasn't for THAT I wouldn't have dressed up as Hook's younger and better-looking bro!

Oh, and this was not just any sword, the sword actually made electronic swishing and clanging noises, so you can see THAT was quite a big thing for yours truly.

So once dressed and still coffee-less, I was thrown in the passenger side of the Pearl and we were flying like the Dutchman out the drive and onto the country roads where there is usually NO ONE. But today, because I was dressed like a fool, there were lots of people walking dogs or jogging. Yes, but lucky for us they were facing the same direction as we were, so they did not get to see the two jolly Rogers in the front seat. UNTIL we came to a little country bistro that specialises in breakfast on down the road. Parking is on both sides of the road, and it being Saturday it was packed. People were crossing the road and here it is the law one must stop as pedestrians go first! I had to sit there cringing as pointing children and worse, their parents pointed at us all animated curiosity that the license plate indicated it was Captain Jack Sparrow and yes, he did roll down his window and gave a spectacular performance of guiding the gawking and amused public across the road so we could proceed. I am sure that made THEIR day.

I was slumped in me seat while this was going on, hoping no one I knew was in the gawking crowd. Once our path was clear we started on and I told Captain Jack we were good to go for a while because it was highway, one lane, no lights until we hit two towns over. And that light was always green so no fear of stopping, but hark, we were coming up to it when it changed to amber and were too far back to gun the Pearl through (not that the Captain would, seeing how stopping with people in other cars staring doesn't faze him).

So there we were by ourselves, me thanking the heavens until a car on the right pulled into the turn lane next to us and another on the left. We were sandwiched there for a good five minutes and the gawkers on the left sat through the go light because they were too busy trying to get our attention of which I would not let the Captain even look their way for fear of just that happening. Our light changed and off we flew.

I was begging for coffee, I needed it bad. The Captain was all for hitting a pub to brace me up, but it was 10:30 a.m. and well, none open! Thank the good Lord for THAT or he would have stopped. As it was, he was all for stopping at a Whole Foods Store just to be seen inside. I tell ya.

"A little trick or treat, Cappy. I could get us free food if you are inclined." He laughed but he was serious, I just know he was. The answer was DRIVE ON CAPTAIN!

So it was on to Dunks we went and I have to tell you it was a pleasant time it was. We ordered at the drive-thru (because there was no way he was getting me out of the Pearl) and we pulled up to three wenches dressed in girly pirate gear. They were surprised to see us at first until they noticed the Captain and then it was everyone who worked there was at the drive-thru window to see if that WAS really Johnny Depp ordering coffee and doughnuts. I tell ya, the Captain made the most of this he did. He got a free doughnut and coffee, I had to pay! What is up with that I wanted to know. He told the "wenches" they would make perfect partners for us two pirates and they were all about that. I wanted to hit him with me sword but I was too amazed at this flirting that I just sat there like an idiot with me yammer hanging open.

To add insult to injury I handed him me money, a ten dollar bill and so enamoured of the gushing wenches or because he didn't want to burst their Johnny Depp bubble, he told them to keep the change, me change!!!

Somehow we extracted ourselves from the fawning and flirting, pulling off to drink our coffee and eat a few doughnuts. I should know the Captain gets high on sugar because when he was done, he got the Pearl in gear and off we sailed down the road, him waving and doffing his Captain tri-cornered hat at all the adoring people. I tell ya the man has no modesty whatsoever. By now we were on a two-lane town road. I think most people were still waking up so we were relatively unnoticed unless we pulled up next to them at a light and the Captain did his number on them. Hard to believe I know! Gees.

Incognito didn't last long because we hit a village green and people were walking to the general store who certainly saw us. The first glance they stop, double take, and look again, an uncertain smile comes across their faces, then recognition of who one of us looked like, then wide smiles, tentative waves and finally the total abandonment of amusement fills their whole bodies as suddenly the thought hits them, HEY THAT LOOKS LIKE JOHNNY DEPP! HELL, THAT IS JOHNNY DEPP! And they start toward the direction of the car, read the license plate and then ARE CONVINCED R. Linda, that has to be HIM!

Unfortunately for the star-struck, the Captain be used to all this and knows when to put the boot to the pedal and zoom on out of there leaving them wondering. Yes, he's very good at manoeuvring himself out of what could be long autograph sessions with him denying he is who they hope he is which always ends with them not believing he isn't who they think he is, but says he is not. Oi!

That happened when the Captain had a sneezing fit and needed tissues. We pulled up to a Walgreens and he handed me a ten and instructions I should go in and buy him a box of Kleenex and anything else I might want.

"Nooo, why me? You're the one needs the tissues." I pointed out as we sat in front of the store, passersby starting to notice.

"If I go in there mate, I will be mistaken for you know who and never get out. It would be faster and painless if YOU do it."

I couldn't find any reason not to do his bidding and so I did. Not an eye blinked at me get up. You would think tall men dressed as pirate captains come into Walgreens every day of the year! When I came out I found the Captain signing autographs (whose name he was writing I do not know), and he used me as his excuse to go, citing I had a terrible case of seasickness and he needed to get me home. All this said sounding like Depp and using Jack's witticisms at me expense. Much laughter was directed at me and off we sailed. I tell ya!

The drive home was uneventful as there was hardly any traffic but the traffic there DID notice us, unlike the morning traffic that was tooling along, drivers deep in their own thoughts.

So now I know what it is like to be Captain Jack and drive the Pearl around. I would think on Halloween (such is the day) we were not given a second thought, but if it WASN'T Halloween, I bet we would attract lots more attention.

He did tell me he's been pulled over by the police for silly things just so they can get a gander at him. He has told me ladies get all excited and flushed of face when they pull up and realise who is sitting in the next car over. I can attest to this being true as it happened several times, especially when we pulled through Wal Mart and had to wait to make a turn and if it was a woman making that turn well golly gee womphers as the Weasil would say, they would actually stop, roll down the window and yell, "JACK! I LOVE YOU JACK!" Oi.

Jack has told me he knows a makeup artist will do a nice job on the Weasil to make him look "exactly" like DiCaprio and we can drive around in a limo next year. Wouldn't that be a thrill he asked me. Well Jack, no, no it would not because for one thing, Weasil would truly get into that and there would be no getting him out of character or home, ever. I would be stuck forever being his chauffeur and I can't imagine the torture THAT would be like. No, this was enough for me. I be not curious any longer how the famous move among the public. I do know I couldn't do it. I couldn't keep up the act that's for darn sure. I'd be too overwrought by the time I got home, I'd be certifiable. More power to the Captain, I guess his personality is adjustable and he enjoys it.

The mind boggles.

Gabe
Copyright © 2015 All rights reserved