23 February, 2016

The Great Muffin Caper

23 February 2016
799

R. Linda:

Last night I was feeling a bit peckish. The ladies of the house usually have baked goodies hanging around the kitchen, but lately, because of the Dragon Lady's convalescence, the baking department is pretty much closed down. Yes, indeed and when one, such as meself, has an operating sweet tooth that is in residence 24/7 it is agony I tell ya!

The problem has been the constant need to be waited on hand and foot. The Dragon lady is to be up and about as you know, exercising the new knee but because of her weight, it be taking a tad longer to heal than skinny old me did. We complain of being tired and needing to sit down for a spell. Yes, she does, and I be very accommodating by saying, "Yes Ducky, you must sit it down, throwing all that weight around must wear your poor self out." Oh, I do say that because I can no longer hold me displeasure of the woman in. She hardly talks to me and I act like I be offended but secretly I be very pleased with meself, for not being engaged in the senseless Dragon conversations.

The main reason for this be not me dislike for her (though that factors in), but the fact she still has not had her cataract operation and so she reads things askew. She drives me nuts with things like, "What are these pigs on sale at the produce section?" It said FIGS, not PIGS. And then there was "Hog licenses are due by April 2?" It was a notice for DOG licenses, I swear because of her inability to see and hear, her mind be on swine.

So because people avoid the kitchen area where the Dragon stakes herself out most all day and all night, the O'Sullivan Baked Goods be closed for business. Neither me Mam nor the Dragon's lovely daughter will venture into the kitchen only long enough to make coffee or tea, and that's about it. A liquid diet doesn't do it for the candyholic. So desperate for something sweet, I ventured into the kitchen last evening, when the ladies of the house (including the Dragon) had gone next door for coffee and cookies at a neighbour who had been going through a horrendous divorce (when we first moved in) who now wanted to meet her new neighbours. That is the ladies of me abode, but not the husband because she now hates men. Thus, I was home with a promise from me apple-cheeked grey-haired mum to steal a few cookies for her sonny boy, ME!

There I was looking through the cupboards for anything I could whip up in a jiffy. The only thing was a box of cranberry muffins. Well, better than nothing I thought and when saw all I needed to add was a cup and a quarter of water, well easy peasy!

I did this, got it all mixed by hand with me only audience, me hyper setter and Dragon's hound, I popped those babies in the oven. Yes, the hound is back! I heated the oven to 400 and while I waited, boiled water for me French roast coffee. I had the muffins in, me feet up on the table (I could get away with that since the ladies were out and about), and so I waited. After 20 minutes, the baking was done. I got the hot water in the French Roast to steep and got all the muffins on a wire rack to cool when suddenly the fire alarm went off.

I realised I left the oven door open and I suppose some of the batter had dripped on the elements below causing smoke. Well, I ran over to the cellar door which be where the alarm be located and fanned the door back and forth to disperse the smoke before the ADT people called the fire department and oh my how embarrassing. The fire department had been over three times in a week already because, one time the fireplace kicked back smoke because it was cold when we lit it. The second was the carbon monoxide alarm went off when we lit the wood boiler downstairs. It had been cold too and kicked back smoke when first lit with a lot of carbon monoxide. We have had an exceptionally warm winter so heat was not needed, but those two cold nights well, it was fire department time! The last was me wife had put in a pork pie she made special for me in the oven, and the oven she used (we have two) needed to be cleaned but she forgot to use the other oven and well, the fire department was here again for the smoke. Oi! So it was imperative I beat the ADT people to calling the fire department for the fourth time in a week. I whipped that door back and forth like a man out of his mind I tell ya! I had only a few more beeps before the system would kick in and the firemen arrived. I worked me tail off moving that door back and forth like a bellows.

Meanwhile, the two cats were creeping up the basement stairs to make an escape and I was doing me best to fan the door and kick in the air on the basement side to keep the two escapees below. However, as I was doing this which was becoming hard work, I hear behind me a crash and then dogs fighting. I turned as much as I could and there were the two dogs with the muffins, on the floor, fighting over them. They were dashed to pieces and the alarm was still going off, the cats were still challenging me kicking leg to get passed me into the kitchen and well R. Linda I was cursing at all of them, especially the dogs. FINALLY, I got the alarm to stop, ran to the stove, closed the door and then to the counter where I rescued four muffins! FOUR MUFFINS R. LINDA that's all I had left of me stash of cranberry goodies! Then I rushed to me phone to see if in all the noisy excitement me phone had rung with the ADT people calling to tell me they had called the fire department. To me relief there was no call so I caught it in the nick, BUT at the cost of me muffins! I was beside meself in grief. Much like you feel when you've made a batch of fudge and leave it to cool and come back to find the Daddy Man has eaten it all!

And to add insult to injury one is dented! Probably from a dog tooth.

And equal time to the two miscreants who ate me fresh handmade cranberry muffins. You will notice the one, THE HOUND has not the brains to cover his guilty face, but me dog does. She be thinking by wearing that mask I won't recognise her guilty self. Uh-huh.

The guilty HOUND

The equally guilty SETTER

I be so disappointed in both of them.

Gabe
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9 comments:

mobit22 said...

ROFLMAO at leasy you got a taste of what could have been! The dragon has been there for a long time. When is she going home

Gabriel O'Sullivan said...

Not soon enough

Fionnula said...

those are some sad looking flat muffins mr. man lol. isn't your mother-in-law married? what must her husband think of her living with you guys? probably happy she's gone lmao

Tomas said...

Muffins? Really? Why not chocolate chip cookies or something edible? I do like the masked dog though. Your mother-in-law should make you treats for letting her invade your privacy. You ever think of that? Food for thought Gabe.

Gabriel O'Sullivan said...

Like the Dragon would make me treats, LOL.

mobit22 said...

Actually, I think she would! Laced with ex-lax

Gabriel O'Sullivan said...

Thats lovely.

Dew said...

Shame that! A bit of Kerry Gold and Jam would do those muffins up nicely. Mmmmm LOL. Make another batch they actually don't look too bad.

Gabriel O'Sullivan said...

No more muffin making for me