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12 March 2016
R. Linda:
Below are some of the pearls I had to put up with while the Dragon Lady convalesced at me abode. I will miss none of this, but I do hope she gets that cataract operation soon. She nearly drove me up a pole each morning as I poured me cup of joe, all set to slowly wake up and then, with a rattle of the newspaper she'd announced the daily headlines (Dragon version). I put in parenthesis the word she misread.
""Brain (burn) victim transforms herself with makeup." How does someone do that? I mean . . . how?"
"Let me see that," I said. I read what it really said, and she got up to fetch her reading glasses. Her glasses have that beaded chain that hooks around one earpiece and then the other so they hang around her neck if she needs them. Me, being me said nothing of the fact she was wearing them and let her go hunt about the place for what was right in front of her. Tonya was the one who put me game to bed by informing her mother her reading glasses were where they were.
The next day I got another read out.
""Police say sweating (swatting) hoax led to shelter in place." Since when do the police come if someone is sweating? I don't get it."
"Here let me see that," I said, and read it but not out loud. "OH, that's a new policy the department put into effect a few weeks ago," said I.
12 March 2016
R. Linda:
Below are some of the pearls I had to put up with while the Dragon Lady convalesced at me abode. I will miss none of this, but I do hope she gets that cataract operation soon. She nearly drove me up a pole each morning as I poured me cup of joe, all set to slowly wake up and then, with a rattle of the newspaper she'd announced the daily headlines (Dragon version). I put in parenthesis the word she misread.
""Brain (burn) victim transforms herself with makeup." How does someone do that? I mean . . . how?"
"Let me see that," I said. I read what it really said, and she got up to fetch her reading glasses. Her glasses have that beaded chain that hooks around one earpiece and then the other so they hang around her neck if she needs them. Me, being me said nothing of the fact she was wearing them and let her go hunt about the place for what was right in front of her. Tonya was the one who put me game to bed by informing her mother her reading glasses were where they were.
The next day I got another read out.
""Police say sweating (swatting) hoax led to shelter in place." Since when do the police come if someone is sweating? I don't get it."
"Here let me see that," I said, and read it but not out loud. "OH, that's a new policy the department put into effect a few weeks ago," said I.
She looked at me frowning and I said, yes indeed, the road department can get pretty sweaty. That's when Tonya came over and took the paper, read the headline and corrected both of us. I had that Dragon going I tell ya, it was amusing to me at least, while it lasted.
""Utah (UNH) studies oyster farming." I thought Utah was landlocked? Are there really oysters in the Great Salt Lake?"
Now used to this crazy blindness, I said yes, yes, that's right a new study and the male-dominated Mormons wanted to study the effects of consuming oysters, to which I was shut down pretty quickly by the wife AGAIN. Then there was this:
""Geek (Greek) governor seeks help with migrants." Where is this? Is this where they send the geeks from Staples?"
I said nothing, but almost choked on me cup of joe, and neither did the wife or me very own apple-cheeked, grey-haired Mam pipe up with a correction. We let her keep that one. None of us had a retort. Though I made up for it on the next misread:
""North Korean fighter (freighter) impounded." Just how do you impound a fighter and when did North Korea have boxing?"
"Oh," says I, "they have a great boxer, just one mother Abdullah. Just one, but he is a feisty one he is (I started throwing air punches to emphasise that statement). He is so feisty, right Ma?" (I said to me Mam who was keeping a suspicious eye on yours truly) to which she nodded. "Well there you go, if me Mam agreed it must be true." Tonya was getting the kiddos ready for school so I got that gem under me belt. Yesterday she read this:
""Search for gift (girl) underway." WHAT?"
I took the paper, there was a teen missing and I didn't want to make light of that, but she had no clue, so I quipped that the Mayor's birthday present had gone missing and well . . . to which me wife walked in, looked over Dragon's shoulder, read the headline and gave me an angry look. I dropped it knowing I had gone too far. Then just this morning I walked into this:
""Chaos as magnates (migrants) jostle for food supplies." Since when do magnates need to compete against each other for food? Why I never. What is this world coming to?"
"OH," said I, "is Donald Trump about those steaks again?" But I didn't get far the wife caught me and that was that until Dragon read another line out to us.
""Mother of three sleeping on sheets (streets)." Well, where else would she be sleeping? Tsk!"
I nodded in commiseration that the news reporting was just plain stupid and said so. I mean, I said to her, it must be a slow news day that my associates stoop so low as to write commonalities that we are all aware of. Yes, I said shaking me head, it is awful when nothing much be happening and you have to write about someone sleeping on sheets or worse not being able to read what is really there because they are blind as a bat. Yes indeed.
For that, I got from the wife, "Stop that right now, enough of this foolishness in the morning."
Well, me amusement be over, the Dragon be on her way to the airport as I write this, yes she has got her broom and headed out with her pointy hat and shoes. I can't say I will miss the old bat, but the morning readout of the daily headlines will be not the same. SIGH. But I be so damn happy she's gone home to the Pine Barrens to take up her mantle as the Jersey Devil. So damn happy I can't express it enough.
Gabe
Copyright © 2016 All rights reserved
""Utah (UNH) studies oyster farming." I thought Utah was landlocked? Are there really oysters in the Great Salt Lake?"
Now used to this crazy blindness, I said yes, yes, that's right a new study and the male-dominated Mormons wanted to study the effects of consuming oysters, to which I was shut down pretty quickly by the wife AGAIN. Then there was this:
""Geek (Greek) governor seeks help with migrants." Where is this? Is this where they send the geeks from Staples?"
I said nothing, but almost choked on me cup of joe, and neither did the wife or me very own apple-cheeked, grey-haired Mam pipe up with a correction. We let her keep that one. None of us had a retort. Though I made up for it on the next misread:
""North Korean fighter (freighter) impounded." Just how do you impound a fighter and when did North Korea have boxing?"
"Oh," says I, "they have a great boxer, just one mother Abdullah. Just one, but he is a feisty one he is (I started throwing air punches to emphasise that statement). He is so feisty, right Ma?" (I said to me Mam who was keeping a suspicious eye on yours truly) to which she nodded. "Well there you go, if me Mam agreed it must be true." Tonya was getting the kiddos ready for school so I got that gem under me belt. Yesterday she read this:
""Search for gift (girl) underway." WHAT?"
I took the paper, there was a teen missing and I didn't want to make light of that, but she had no clue, so I quipped that the Mayor's birthday present had gone missing and well . . . to which me wife walked in, looked over Dragon's shoulder, read the headline and gave me an angry look. I dropped it knowing I had gone too far. Then just this morning I walked into this:
""Chaos as magnates (migrants) jostle for food supplies." Since when do magnates need to compete against each other for food? Why I never. What is this world coming to?"
"OH," said I, "is Donald Trump about those steaks again?" But I didn't get far the wife caught me and that was that until Dragon read another line out to us.
""Mother of three sleeping on sheets (streets)." Well, where else would she be sleeping? Tsk!"
I nodded in commiseration that the news reporting was just plain stupid and said so. I mean, I said to her, it must be a slow news day that my associates stoop so low as to write commonalities that we are all aware of. Yes, I said shaking me head, it is awful when nothing much be happening and you have to write about someone sleeping on sheets or worse not being able to read what is really there because they are blind as a bat. Yes indeed.
For that, I got from the wife, "Stop that right now, enough of this foolishness in the morning."
Well, me amusement be over, the Dragon be on her way to the airport as I write this, yes she has got her broom and headed out with her pointy hat and shoes. I can't say I will miss the old bat, but the morning readout of the daily headlines will be not the same. SIGH. But I be so damn happy she's gone home to the Pine Barrens to take up her mantle as the Jersey Devil. So damn happy I can't express it enough.
Gabe
Copyright © 2016 All rights reserved
6 comments:
you sounded amused by her headlines you will miss her ... not. lmao
I am surprised your kids didn't pick up on this or maybe they did. Question is, is she getting the eyes taken care of or did you send her home in happy oblivion? LOL
Oh they did indeed pick up on that. The eldest was mimicking her until his mother caught him reading out loud to his brothers, "Today's headlines: Massive fart (art) work to be installed on the common." Yup the laddie has been around Weasil to often. I have no clue if she's having the cataract operation or not. Didn't ask.
LOL
This is so clever and very funny!
Haha This is very funny
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